Is there anything more quiet...

Than an unquiet mind?

I have not done any paper crafting, card making, scrapbooking or other such related craft pretty much all year. For several years, this was where my heart was. I didn't need to write about anything- the act of picking the right color, texture, picture, lettering, the composition; all of it was my therapy. It was my place to unwind and put my thoughts, even if I didn't "verbalize" it with journaling- it was simply the act of creating that made me tick.

For the most part, anything I worked on this year was half-hearted at best, and lasted for about an hour-maybe two. I stopped having interest late last year (due to the layoff) and it just kept spreading. I kept making excuses and putting it off, and now it's the end of the year and I am still working 2 jobs and I don't have enough days off in a row and my life is in a holding pattern and ......

UGH.

I haven't painted minis for a while. I had them out a couple months back, and finished all but a couple of my guys (based & everything, woot!) but I can't bring myself to finish the last couple. This &**&^%% squad looks horrible, and I am sure that is part of the problem. I don't want to finish something I don't love. I keep making excuses and .....


UGH.

I haven't been writing (either here or in my personal space) because I just don't want to face the stuff I'm dealing with. My deal with myself is that I will be totally and completely honest- no lies, no excuses, no crud. I honestly don't have the emotional energy to not only stick it out and DO it, but also hold myself accountable and not make excuses and .....

UGH.

I've been dumping my thoughts back into games, and the characters I've been playing. I may not be able to continue one of my regular games due to work (for which I am grateful: thank you, Lord, for work) and I haven't been able to do what I am best at in the other. I've been exceptionally limited and I'm trying to find ways to break out of that. I've had this game on my mind a lot but it has not been productive and it's making me crazy. It's so frustrating there are times it isn't fun (because of things I am doing to myself) and I just want to quit or make excuses and .....

UGH

~It's just as I feared, I have come undone ~

It all comes down to how I handle it. I have to decide if I'll crumble under the pressure, or if I'll dust myself off and move on. I have to be "smarter than the equipment" and tougher than the adverse conditions. Life is full of change, and it's my turn to make it.

Now,

what project sounds fun? Maybe knitting.

Alphabet Street

JAK- he's been on my mind lately
WOD- been considering running a game (in my spare time) *HA*
SOA- great show
SOAD- screaming guitars and shouting Armenians at 1:30 am. Perfect wake up stuff
CTN, BAN, MDN, MSID, SD, RWC- work related and my head is about to explode

CIA, NSA, ... EIEIO (homage to Mouth Bandits. Can't remember it all, though it should be burned into my brain)

Breathe/Be Yourself Tonight

So this year, with all its difficulty, pressures, concerns and things that have stretched me beyond belief is almost over. I see some very happy changes coming ahead- I just have to get there.

I have been treading water; trying to keep my head above the incoming fray (and I've just about gone under a couple times) for the past few months. I've had some AWESOME friends come along side me and throw me a lifeline- and I've held on for dear life. I've been so grateful that I have had people to rely on, and I've been hopeful I won't HAVE to ask for help for long.

I see the light at the end of the tunnel- but getting to the end is going to be physically and emotionally hard. I know these next couple weeks are yet another test- of my character, my endurance, my faith and my family. I need to hold myself up and keep moving to the end- and the means will make sense on their own.

I am looking forward to a chance to be MYSELF soon- fatigue, stress and pain have hindered me greatly and I am very hopeful things will be as they should be once again.

It's Complicated

I have a place in my life that is really important to me. It's been crucial to my ability to keep my sanity throughout this year. It's a place where I feel comfortable, safe, relaxed, and like "me". I can open up, unwind, enjoy being unpressured or stressed, and move along with my life.

I hold this place very dear to me. It's "off limits" to other interruptions (including work) and I make every effort to treat it with respect.

I have done a lot of work to help this place grow. I've been aware that it in growing, it is changing, and I am trying to grow with it. I have been pretty excited about some of the changes, even when others involved were not so sure.

I know my hard work and willingness to stick it out when it got hard is part of why this place is so special. I know that I'm a big part of why this place is where it is now. I'm not the only one involved, and others are getting most, if not all, of the recognition for the improvements and changes.

They definitely deserve recognition. The parts they play are important to where this place is going and what's happening to it, and I recognize that. I'm not upset that they are getting their due.

I'm a little jealous, and a little hurt that my contributions are being overlooked. I'm feeling pushed out and less than respected, and it bothers me. Very recently, there was a talk about who had done what, and I wasn't mentioned once.

There was definitely a strong feeling of pettiness ("what about me"), but I swallowed it at the time. Expressing that would not have done anything to help or improve things, and I really believe in making it better above all else.

Do I really need the recognition, or do I need this place? Do I want to keep at it, or move past this and find a "new" safe haven? Am I strong enough to handle this disappointment or will I cave like I have in the past? Do I grow with this place, and find ways to help others involved through my efforts?

It bothers me that I care about what others think so much, and it drives me nuts that this is even an issue. Being who I want to be means rising above this "fluffy emo" stuff and taking pride in the work I've done, regardless of peer perception. I know I am not there yet, and it bugs me.

Life is full of changes (thanks, Julee!) and how you handle them shows a lot about who you are. These changes in both my safe place and myself are important, but scary. I'm aware of my struggle and I'm trying to open myself to being better than whining.

It's just really complicated.

Let me off this ride!

So, this year has been a challenge. I have had so many of my comfort zones widened, expanded, stretched or even outright demolished I have very little left that I feel "safe" in.

Layoff. Unemployment. Working every single shift (days, evenings, nights) at a part time job, all in the same week with no semblance of a "normal schedule". Interviews. Strange Interviews. Crazy Interviews. A few interviews, I thought I was being "Punk'd". A new job. A couple breaths. 10 to 14 hour days, on a regular basis. No set idea how or when I'd see my kids. Driving 100+ miles a DAY. Quitting. Part time job. Interviews, more interviews, and interviews again. This round seemed much more "normal" than round 1 at the beginning of the year. New job (again).

I hate this. It feels like a bad carnival ride, and I really want to get off. I want some of my comforts, the things I can depend on. But it seems as if it's up to me to be the dependable one, the one others rely on for strength and stability.

I used to be a really tough cookie, but grew over time into who I feel I am today- a loving, compassionate woman with a tender heart. And now, I get to be the fighter again.

I'm trying to balance the tough & strength with the caring concern, and I haven't figured out how. I'm trying to be what is needed and who I am is very hard to see right now. I am upside down and I don't like it.

I want off this ride.

But I know I'm getting stronger every day.

And that's a good thing, right?

Twang

My heartstrings have been plucked quite mightily, by fate, time, frivolity and reality. I faced this the other day- a magical person who had once been a tiny terror (but still terrific), a mini monarch; a toddler tyrant. Now, this person is more than magical- majestic, tremendous, exhilarating and WAY TOO BIG!




TallBoy pronounced that she looked like a "Wampire" (whiny vampire) and thus needed to be "twanged" with arrows (through the heart, of course) to re-deadify her. He proceeded to walk around proclaiming "twang" at her all evening, with much giggling and sighing, depending on her mood.

Twang, indeed.

Crud

It's been going around. I am trying to avoid it. I don't think I am fast enough.

All Kidding Aside

I don't have kids anymore, I have teenagers!

My lovely girl turns 13 today. I am so tremendously proud of everything she is, all that she wants to be, and every possibility she entertains for herself. She is a fun, cool, silly, wacky, wonderful, ever-changing and always challenging person.

I adore my beautiful girl and hope that she gets everything she wants, needs and deserves- today, tomorrow and always.

I'm a big blue weirdo

I'm doing laundry!

Yay.

So NOT ready

SweetPea is 13 Friday. EEP.

Stretchy

Yesterday I had the opportunity to spend the day with my dad on a road trip. I brought my wonderful SweetPea along for some quality "Poppa" time. We drove about 2 hours north of where he lives (very close to his hometowm) and spent the day watching a small start up wrestling federation at a local mall. They were putting on a free show to expand interest in their little group and get some fans.

FULL DISCLOSURE:

I love professional wrestling. LOVE IT. This is a gushy "marked-out" post and I will not apologize.

Back to the action:

My dad's got a good friend in his life that had been heavily involved in this promotion until about 2 months ago. She came along with on this trip. She knows the owners, the bookers, the gorilla, some of the talent, etc. We got their early and got GREAT seats, and she chatted with the various VIPS for a bit. It was kind of neat to watch her in her element.

The show starts out with some of the brand new talent- and some of them are pretty good, while one was HILARIOUSLY bad. I laughed at a lot of the blown spots but really enjoyed it. There were two exceptionally high points I just have to share:

One- they had this cute kid going by the name of "Juice Robinson" wrestling. SweetPea & I often discuss "hot guys" with each other and have a good time pointing them out when we see them. Juice came out and her exact words were:

"WOW!"
She then proceeded to turn as pink as her shirt.



yeah, wow.

The next moment (or set of them, really) was a young guy named GT Vega. He was a fan favorite and VERY talented. SweetPea let out a squeal/squeek noise when she saw him, and when he got up on the turnbuckle, she was pointing and fanning herself at the same time. She was a pretty dang funny sight. (I was on the aisle seat, one row away from the stairs. I got some GREAT pictures.) Vega entering the ring :



Not bad!



Vega on the ropes- oh, yum!

And the best- My dad's friend went and talked to the back stage manager (the gorilla) and asked if Vega would come out and sign an autograph for SweetPea- but it was all hush hush and SweetPea had NO IDEA it was happening until the manager tapped her on the shoulder and told her to come with him for a minute. He was taking her backstage!

SweetPea just about cried she was so excited- and I asked if I could take a quick picture. By then, Vega had come out and signed and posed- just for SweetPea. She was SO excited, she could hardly contain herself. She was just a little self conscious, but happy as can be. Here she is with Vega-



She then attacked our friend with the world's greatest hug:



I love that my kids have so many people that love them in their lives. I love that my family keeps expanding and that we're a lot like the spandex the wrestlers wore yesterday- stretchy enough to wrap around a lot, but strong enough to hold it tight.

Busted!

So the creep that started all the fires here in our little town has been arrested. He's a member of a family that is just a little known around here and when I heard who it was, I was not surprised. Sad, though. He apparently was on a wide variety of drugs & then had a bottle or 2 of something also at the time. I had a pointed conversation with my kids about these facts, as the guy is 17. I know my kids a little better than that, but if nothing else, he can serve as a horrible warning.

My washer broke last week. This is ultimate sadness as there is no laundromat anywhere near our little town and lugging laundry to my mother-in-law's home is a HUGE pain in my rear.

This week is Homecoming week at our little school and of course that means SpiritWeek. Today was "Dress Like a Hobo" day. TallBoy decided to dress like our friend Tom's character from the World of Darkness game we play. Tom's character is a "little touched" as they say; and often does nonsensical things. One of his most famous "bits" is carrying a non-functional lightbulb because it "illuminates" things. Here's TallBoy as "Coyote Joe":



One of my turn signal lights is out and now my car makes that annoying superfast click noise when I signal. I need a bulb, and it needs to function.

Fire Bad

Many apologies to Camp Chaos...

My little town was hit by a string of arsons last night. From what I've heard, they were all further south of me and they were all focused on cars or garages.

I'd always assumed fire would be the last of my worries out here. I live directly across from the pump house, there's a hydrant across the street from me, and the south station is literally less than 100 feet from my house.

I guess that only helps if the firemen are only fighting YOUR fire and not 6 different ones. At 2 in the morning. The fires went on until almost 6 am. The arsonists went through yards, hitting new targets just as the fire crews were cleaning up from one place, so they were literally rolling from one fire to the next.

Our little volunteer corps deserves a great many thanks, as do all the coops that came to help prevent the fires from spreading further.

I hope they, and our town get some sleep tonight. We're a little jumpy.

Not Too Shabby Herself

(This post was written Saturday...)

Today was our little town's Fall Festival type thing. There's a car show (in my front yard, and those dang car guys do NOT care on whit that it is rude to rev an engine early in the am!), vendors, food, games, contests, etc.

SweetPea is a true star in the making. She wants to sing, dance, write, create, design clothes- if it is creative and "over the top", she wants to do it- and do it WELL. She is completely comfortable as a performer and cannot WAIT to get solos and be 'famous'. I am always listening to her practice, and always impressed with her intensity.

She entered the KrazyKostume Kontest and the Talent Show. She was completely at ease in front of the whole town- even parading around with flair and abandon in her getup. She sang Green Day's Viva La Gloria during the talent show and was totally comfortable with the modern day punk ballad.

I listened from my spot down the street, waiting to see how she did. A little later I saw her "sneaking" down the street with SOMETHING sort of hidden behind her. I giggled at her enthusiasm and desire to surprise me, so I pretended not to see.

She got a big fat trophy! She won 2nd place. She's a total rock star in the making... and I know her now, when she is sweet, and funny, and tender, and wacky and totally HER.

Here's a few pictures- she was in a fashion show a couple weeks ago, and then her costume and her trophy.

The Fashionista!



her wacky costume!



the trophy! It's SHINY!!!!!


Look at that beautiful girl! I am so proud of her- because she's doing what she loves and she has no fear. Wahoo!

More words than normal today

Life has a funny way of telling you how small your world is when you least expect it, and showing you the treasures you never knew you had right under your nose.

We recently heard that one of TallBoy's friends from church lost his mom to cancer. This buddy has a very special place in MY heart (although I don't think he knows it) because he reminds me SOOOOOOOOOO much of my middle brother. They are built in a very similar fashion, they talk and act very alike, they dress in very similar ways and even like the same kind of music. I quite honestly did a large number of double takes when I first met him because he resembled my brother SO much I was having a hard time figuring out what he (my brother) was doing 500 miles from home.

TallBoy and I discuss how TallBoy feels about this whole deal- someone he knows and cares about is hurting and needs friends to be around him, to support him, and to listen to whatever might be on the friend's mind. TallBoy agreed very strongly that he should attend the visitation and offer whatever support he could to his friend.


I heard about a local Blogger's Toys For Troops rallies, and came out to help a while ago. I sent out emails to friends and family that understand supporting troops in physical ways, gathered my kids and took them with me to a day of gift sorting & present wrapping. I made Christmas cards to send out. I still have a batch of thank you cards for her next batch of goodies to go out.


This lady, My fellow Blogger over at This Just In was relaying over the course of several months (if not longer) that she was losing her sister to cancer. I didn't say a lot about it, but I kept GnightGirl's family in my prayers as they dealt with the many "whammy"s of cancer and grief.

When she announced the death of her sister and gave details on the service, I was stunned to realize that her sister was also TallBoy's buddy's mom.

The day of the visitation, TallBoy was sick, so I went in his place. I knew two of the people touched by this woman's life, and I had as much compassion and concern as TallBoy- it was just different. TallBoy's friend was very surprised to learn I knew his aunt, but it was a good time.

TallBoy felt better, and went to the funeral, burial, and church luncheon to be a support for his friend. I honestly couldn't be prouder of him than I am right now.

I really don't have a lot I am super passionate about (as discussed previously), but compassion is something I am HUGE on. I never know if my lessons and examples make their mark on my children. I never know if I am truly passing on my values or if my kids just pay lip service while they are still home to get me off their backs.

TallBoy showed not only me, but himself and his buddy, that he GETS it. Caring about other people's feelings is important and it should be DONE. He didn't care that it was uncomfortable, or hard, or a distraction. He just did what was RIGHT and offered the only thing he had to his friend- his presence.

I am so completely thrilled with him. He's truly a fine young man, and I saw just a glimmer of the great potential he has within him.

Surprises

I did not know that I cared even a little how I performed in relation to others; I am not terribly competitive at all. Usually I care most about how I am doing vs myself. If I have set a goal and I am closer to it this time than the last time I set the same goal, then...tada, improvement. I am satisfied by doing my best, and by seeing other people happy through my work.

Then this career in insurance came about... and it is very competitive. Everything is a contest in some way at my office. I usually ignore it as it doesn't really motivate me in any way. I sit next to and across from the two "go getters" in my office and that is usually more than enough competitive thinking for me for a whole year.

Something funny happened recently. We're in the biggest sales contest of the year, and I was in the lead for the first 2 weeks. It was really a major surprise to discover how much I liked being FIRST on that list of agents. During this contest, I have been in the top three the whole time. It's kind of exciting.

I am in the last week and will need to pull something out of my rear to place any higher than third, but for me, third would be HUGE.

I want to win something. Who knew?

Thank Heaven for Husbands

I can't tell you enough how much I love and appreciate mine today.

I love you, Darling Dude!

That is all.

Facebook

So a while ago I joined the ranks of the Facebook folks. It's been interesting. I use it mostly to talk to my brother in Arkansas, my former high school best friends, and of all people,


The Dude (!)

I've had longer, better, and more in-depth conversations with the Dude via chat than I'm able to in person many times. If there was only a "hug" feature, Facebook would be the champion of my marriage right now.


I have to be a little careful- the Dude tends to have the monitor so anyone can see the screen, and I've been known to send him a racy note or two. But it makes my life a little interesting. I like interesting.

I love that I can pop on, talk to my wonderful man for a few minutes, and then jet about on with my regular day. FB chat makes my evenings go more quickly, helps me keep things in perspective, and generally reminds me that there are two of us in this crazy partnership. It makes going to bed alone a little more tolerable.

More on Passion

In the Family Fued kind of world, if you were to ask a set group of people who is more passionate- the Dude or me, the answer would almost definitely be The Dude.

He's a red head. He's got a hot temper. He likes to share his opinion, usually loudly, with anyone within the room/town/county. He gets upset about a great many things and he feels that it is only fair that he share the misery/outrage/etc.

As a rule, I am viewed as the more level headed, calm and understanding one. I am usually able to smooth things out or offer a soothing voice to a solution. I am often seen as moderate. Usually, that view is correct.

I am pretty open minded about things. I try not to have a set opinion about very much. I learned the lesson of critical thinking very well, and I work hard to understand both sides of an issue. I am very capable of viewing both sides of an arguement and identifying and feeling compassion for both.

Some people call this sort of thinking "wishy-washy". I call it fair.

I value this ability very highly- it is one of the strongest reasons I am so good at my job. The talent for seeing someone else's perspective and challenges is valued very highly in my field, and I use it to my advantage as often as I can.

I'm pretty fair about most things. But there are things I am firm on- there's a line in the sand and I'll cause irreparable damage to anyone that crosses it.

The things I am passionate about include being a fantastic wife, and an outstanding mother.

I have to admit I fell down on the job for many years as a wife, and I still haven't completely forgiven myself. I know I have not always supported The Dude as well as I should or could have, and our relationship certainly suffered for it. I am making a concerted effort to be sure to demonstrate in word AND action how passionate I am about being his number one defender. He deserves to have a champion that backs him and supports him with love and respect, and I am trying my best to accomplish that.

I'm working on being the best mom ever, but it's a work in progress and there's just no way I will ever measure up to the awesome kids I've been blessed with. I keep trying, and love them all the same.

The Dude might be more outspoken, more obviously stricken with passions, and more vehement about the "wrongs" in the world- but I feel very sorry for the person that stands between me and my calling to be a wife, or mother. I might do a lot worse than with hold fudge...

Passion

So, in my real life, The Dude and I own a small retail store.

No, that's a lie.

We own an awesome game store that brings complete and total happiness to the man I adore. We offer a home, a community, a PLACE to be to our local gaming friends & family and we happen to do it while making sales and staying afloat.

We are totally passionate about this place. It is vital, essential and tantamount to our day to day operations. We work hard to make it a going concern and are always looking for ways to grow. We constantly work to offer more value and something better to the folks that make the store successful.

We didn't do it on our own- we inherited/bought the store from some other local guys that wanted a place where everyone was welcome, and we've poured our hearts into it ever since.

The energy, the enthusiasm, the utter passion- they are wonderful and I am glad they finally have a place to go...

The game store.... OUR game store.

She can't roll in her grave, she is not dead yet

I recently discovered something very strange. I discovered the fiction of Christopher Buckley (William F Buckley Jr's son) and I REALLY like it.

I think the guy is hysterical! His sense of humor really appeals to me- finding amusement in the obscure and obscene. I just love his stuff. I've been devouring whatever I can get my hands on- and while I don't totally understand it all, I find myself nodding my head and enjoying what he has to say in the political world as well.

I don't think I will ever tell my mother. There are just some things you do not share or say to your parents.

Telling your ULTRA Liberal, super crunchy, VERY granola, totally leftist mother that you enjoy and identify with one of the leading conservatives in the nation....maybe I'll keep that to myself.

It's interesting to discover how different I am from my parents- but also just as interesting to see our similarities. I like myself more and more every day- because I become more and more myself and less impressionable.

But don't tell my mom. She wouldn't understand....

A Rose By Any Other Name- Or Something

A post on the message board I frequent brought this line of thinking about.

I really hate my name. My name has always felt weird or awkward on me. I have never felt it fit me. It doesn't feel like the person I am inside my head. I don't know what name would fit me better, but I know it isn't the name I have.

Plus, It's boring, and there is absolutely NO nickname for it. It's also VERY VERY American and it's darn near impossible to explain to someone from another country because there is nothing equivalent to it.

Most of the time, I usually answer to "hey" much better than my own name.

Sign me,

"Hey"

The Story of the Dude (Today)

Today marks my 18th wedding anniversary with The Dude.

18 years ago today, I walked down a sidewalk in a park, and let go of my family's hand to join my hand with The Dude's.

I'm leaving the man in my life, the guy I adore - still sleeping. I'm headed for Lafayette for work, and I'm tired. It's a long drive. I'm writing this in part as an anniversary present. I'm also writing it for me.

Our relationship has been a long road, but we have been on it together.

I know I can count on The Dude to be my friend, my support, my champion, my love, my husband and my mate through any challenge. I know that with The Dude, I can do anything. I know that what we have is special, and important, and worth fighting for. I know I have found the place I belong.

I believe that there are people that are meant for each other. I often told The Dude in our early years that "God knew what he was doing" when he put us together. I know without a doubt in my heart that our hearts, our minds and our lives were designed to work best together.

I am a part of something very special and very rare. I have true, honest, fierce and passionate love with someone I trust and admire.

I have found where I belong. I have found a person to cling to and hold tight.

I am home no matter where I go.

I am....

(Babe, you know the rest. Happy Anniversary.)

The Story of the Dude (Returns & Rejoinders)

I spend another day with the Dude before I head out to my grandparents and then France.

I leave for another country feeling very good about myself- I have a boyfriend, I am going on an international adventure, and things are good.

For my exchange program, I've been paired with a 22 year old guy, but he has a younger sister who is 16 and I spend a bit more time with her.

My host family has a villa on the beach in St. Tropez, and we are spending 2 weeks there for their vacation. There are two Swiss boys about the same age as myself and my host sister, and they are WAY hot. They spend a good week hanging out with us on the beach, and there is a lot of good natured flirting. I enjoy my trip, but at one point I curse my timing and The Dude's presence in my life.

The moment where I wish my luck was different passes and I realize I have no chance with these very gorgeous men, and I am glad I have the Dude.

I come back in early August from my trip, and things with The Dude & I are intense. There is no doubt in my mind that he is the RIGHT guy for me, and I enjoy the deepening relationship. We've already been through a lot together, we've developed a strong friendship, and we have seen bad sides of each other. I am confident this is a good thing and will only grow.

The Dude and several room mates (including Tune) throw a party in the late summer- late August or early September to the best of my memory. The Dude has a few drinks. He's enjoying what he calls a "Piledriver"- a VERY strong screwdriver. I'm not drinking- just enjoying the music, having a nice time, and hanging out. The Dude is in his own apartment, he's a legal adult, and it's a party- so he continues to drink.

Music is playing, and he is laying with his head in my lap. He looks at me and says-

"Not to sound presumptuous or anything, but you WILL marry me, right?"

My world stops. I don't see anything but him for a moment. I consider how well I know him. I consider that my dad adores him. I consider that he has been nothing but good to me and that I am truly happy.

"Of course I will."

There's no further discussion- no date, no ring, no plans; just that we intend to get married. That's enough for me, and I am fairly settled on the idea of a long engagement at this point.

2 weeks later, we're alone. We're having a quiet moment, being tender and just relaxing with each other; and he says:

"I want you to marry me."

My comment - now hilariously funny- but at the time completely serious:

"I'll say what I said the first time; Of course"

The Dude responds true to form- a little oblivious:

"What first time?"

I go on to tell him in pretty graphic detail when, where, and how he initially proposed. The Dude is more than a little embarrassed to admit he remembers absolutely nothing of the situation until I remind him, as he had WAY too much to drink that night.

THIS is the beginning of our commitment to each other...

He doesn't remember his first outburst, and I am patient enough to forgive him.

The Story of the Dude (Another Whammy and Another Country)

Those weird feelings keep coming. They aren't all the time, but they are consistent. They are also annoying as heck. I try really hard to convince myself I have lost my mind and throw myself into something else for a while.

Life conspires against me in this plot, and I find myself around the Dude- a LOT. And these nagging, weird, fluttery, flip-floppy feelings just will not stop.

I try subtlety for a while, hoping maybe he will catch on.

That is a bad plan and does not work.

Someone that was hanging around the gaming group for a while convinces me to "go for it" and that I will never know whether things will work with The Dude if I do not try a more direct approach.

The plan goes something like this: look totally awesome around him, and see what unfolds. If nothing, then The Dude is a loser (in the sense that he does not get wonderful me) and I move on. If something happens, everyone wins. This is sometime in the springtime, I think near The Dude's birthday.

It sounded so easy...

I wore a dress. Not just any dress, but a dress that would have made Kelly Bundy from Married With Children PROUD. I get my hair prettied up. I wear makeup.

And then head to The Dude's place of work.

I drop in, say hi, talk for a bit, and while The Dude seems SURPRISED, he does not seem impressed at all.

I chalk this adventure up as a lesson in loss, and tell myself it is time to move on.

My heart does not like this idea one bit and I have a hard time letting go of my weird, annoying feelings for the Dude.

All the while, I have been planning a trip to France for the summer. I expect to be gone a month, and I am pretty excited. I know absolutely nothing about the family I will stay with, but I have a place to go and adventures to have. I tell myself that if nothing happens with The Dude before I leave for France, I will force myself to move on- I will NOT have a repeat of the 2 year crush I had on Guy X.

The end of the school year rolls around and I get serious about my preparations for my trip. I start planning "one last hurrah" events with my closest friends- including The Dude.

My plane for France leaves on the 4th of July. I am planning to head to my grandparents who live near the airport on the 2nd, and spend the 3rd at the conference for the exchange students. All of my plans with my friends are at the end of June.

It's June 30th, and the Dude & I are hanging out. I am dressed completely casually- cute jeans and my favorite top- a slightly tight black top with a low sweetheart neckline. We wander all over the local campus- pretty standard for us. We hit a few record stores, and there is a specific point when The Dude starts acting really buggy.

He won't look me in the face and keeps making slightly underhanded digs at my appearance. I am having too much fun to pay too much attention, but it is seriously weird behavior for The Dude.

We wind up at Arby's. I don't have a lot of money-most of it is going to my trip. The Dude offers to pay. I'm not super hungry, so I order a large curly fries with cheese. We head to a table and sit down, and The Dude is in full on absolutely crazy mode. I have NO idea what is going on but he pretty much ignores me to read the liner notes of a 247 Spies CD. The few times he speaks to me are weird, cryptic comments that could be come-ons or put downs.

I keep pretending nothing is wrong, but I get those darn feelings again, and I have a total mental freakout about halfway back to his apartment. Luckily I was able to cover it with a falsehood of needing to tie my shoes and things progress from there.

We're at his apartment, hanging out on the couch, talking and having a good time. The weirdness has passed and I feel comfortable and relaxed around The Dude again. I feel confident that he's set as my best friend and I can start looking for new guys to date when I get back from my trip.

Then it happens.

The Dude tells me that he likes me, and is looking for a "serious relationship". He goes on to say that he doesn't want anything casual, but something that will last a while, and possibly lead to more than just dating. And he wants it to be with me.

I am beyond petrified. I hoped for something like this with The Dude for a while, but the timing couldn't be worse, and I had JUST (I mean literally minutes prior to this revelation) relegated him to the "Friend Zone".

I decide the best thing to do is to be honest. I tell him that I'm afraid our dating will ruin our friendship. I tell him that he has lousy timing, too.

He seems strangely unphased by this and acts like he understands. We talk for a while more. We agree that we should at least try dating with the understanding that if it is "weird", we will go back to being friends, and no hurt feelings.

We stand up, and hug. It's pretty nice. There's a moment where I am stuck in my fear, my anticipation and my nerves, and I freeze with my face against his chest. He's wearing a Faith No More T-shirt, with the band members on it rather than their logo. He is warm and smells good. I hear:

"Are you going to kiss me, or are you going to stand there staring at Mike Patton all night?"

I kiss him for the first time, and I am home. I know I am where I am meant to be and I never want to leave.

I am scheduled to leave town in 2 days.

The Story of the Dude (The Whammy)

Every good story I have ever read has a part where things start to go sideways a little bit, and I think to myself, "what the heck just happened here?".

We're about to enter into the "Weirdness Magnet" section of the Story of the Dude.

It's the summer after my sophomore year.

Through late spring and early summer of this year, The Dude has been dating my best friend from high school, who has just moved away to New York at the end of the school year.

I am taking summer school for some darn computer thing and Driver's Ed. I completely, totally, and utterly stink at both.

I cannot understand the computer crap to save my life. I can type and spell. I can follow directions. But I can't, for the life of me, understand how to "talk" to a machine to make it do something as simple as addition. I just do NOT "get it".

Many of the guys I game with are something of computer nerds, and very kindly offer to help with the summer school stuff. I take in my dumb, make-no-sense-to-me assignments, and a couple of guys help me several times. One of them, "Tune", also offers to help me with some driving practice as long as my dad okays the deal.

My dad has always parented me pretty loosely. He lets me decide what works and what does not, tells me when I am a dumbass, and then helps me figure out how to solve whatever mess I am in. He rarely if ever has rules, and even less often has qualms about me doing something as outright ludicrous sounding as driving around alone in the country with a guy 5-6 years older than me. So he agrees.

Somewhere in between teaching me computer jibberish and trying valiantly to instruct me in driving, Tune and I start dating. There's a certain band and song I associate with him still- there was a tape deck in his pickup truck and he had a particular tape in the deck through all those "driving lessons". I know I didn't learn much about driving after the first couple weeks.

It's a pretty hot and heavy deal, with me being young, foolish, a little lacking in sense as a direct result of a smart older guy paying attention to me in a way I liked. He was young, foolish, in his first relationship away from his parents, and lacking a little sense too.

Some time in the summer, the Dude asked my best friend to marry him, even though they were hundreds of miles apart. She said yes. The Dude tries to come up with a plan to go visit her, but has a problem: he doesn't drive.

Somehow the idea that Tune, The Dude & I would drive all the way to upstate New York (literally 10 miles from the Canada Border) together came about.

Yet again, this plan depends on my dad's approval. The idea that I am driving across the country in a pickup truck with a topper on the back with 2 adult guys 5-6 years older than me apparently does not phase him MUCH, and off we go.

The trip was weird, fun, and short. In the time we are there, I see the Dude treat my best friend in a way that is the stuff of romance novels & chick flick movies. He totally pampers her and makes it known that he adores her.

I am dating Tune, but I tell myself that I want a guy that treats me that way- someday.

We come back from our trip. The Dude and Tune are now room mates. Tune and I break up sometime in later summer, early fall. It wasn't pretty. The Dude, who has become a close friend at this point, sympathizes and does his best to help me patch up.

About a month or two (maybe more but not much) later, my best friend breaks up with The Dude. It wasn't pretty. I am a close friend to him at this point, and I sympathize and try to help him patch up.

Somewhere in late winter or early spring of my junior year, I have these weird feelings whenever I am around the Dude.

I tell myself I am crazy and try to shake them.

The Story of the Dude (In the Middle)

I decided to move in with my dad.

I did not come up with this plan overnight, and I did not do it totally alone. It took about a month of serious conversations back and forth to convince my dad I was not making a split decision before he would even CONSIDER discussing it with my mom.

My mom was not thrilled with my plan at all.


We'd been separated before- when I was little, she sent me to live with friends while she got her life back together after the divorce from my dad. She moved the earth to get us all back together, and I know the idea of me moving away to live with the person that had caused our first separation could not have been an easy one.

She said no for several months.

I don't know exactly what changed her mind, but I moved back in with my dad sometime in June or July before my freshman year of high school.

My baby brother was born in August.

I started high school with almost no friends- I had been away for a year and the year prior (7th grade), I had gone to a school in another town nearby so the people I knew previously did not attend the high school I would go to.

I started the cycle of no friends and mean girls all over again, but I had someplace stable to come home.

I struggled through freshman year. My dad was never a cook of any kind and I ate a lot of macaroni & cheese. I also ate a lot of frozen pizza. I learned to do the dishes & vacuum, as well as doing a ton of mindless homework.

Somewhere in my freshman year, my dad started taking me back to gaming again. I got into a few games and started making friends again. The friends I'd had before (for the most part) were much older and not interested in hanging out with a geeky, un-pretty 14 year old girl. A few exceptions stood out, and I tried to make the best of my situation.

Maybe I clung a little to hard to this group, but it was my lifeline. It was my safety and my freedom from the crap I faced daily at school.

It was because of a game that I finally learned to tell time and it was because of games & my gaming friends that I learned how to deal with fractions.

It was a lot of fun.

Somewhere around sophomore year, a new guy started coming to the group. I've mentioned him before- Guy X. Again at first glance, he was not impressive to me, but within a month or two I had it BAD for this guy. He was MUCH closer to me in age than the rest of the guys, and he was well dressed, well spoken, smart, and relevant.

So began the 2 year crush.

There were a few other guys I had fleeting crushes on during this time frame- I was the only girl surrounded by single guys who were smart and fun. Many of them were within 3-5 years of my age. It happened with me- a LOT. But my steadfast sigh inducer was Guy X, for well over 2 years.

In this time, I started to gain a stronger understanding of the games I played. People graduated high school or went off to college, and the core group of people I was friends with at gaming shrunk even further. The Dude became a regular part of my circle. Our relationship at first was a little stilted- he was friends with my friends, rather than with me. We slowly did more things in common or talked about more things, and got to be friends.

We started doing a variety of things outside of gaming together (or in a big group that we were both part of) and I got to see what HE was into. He loved music. He was a huge collector and an amateur rock historian. Every paycheck, he would hit the record stores scouring the import, new, and rock bins for things that struck his interest. I'd go along more often than not, amazed at what he knew and got exposed to a whole new world of music.

Either through high school, activities, or through a teen group I was also part of, I finally started dating as a sophomore. Most of the time it was mindless and the boys were not worth mentioning.

However, there was one guy that was actually a boyfriend through the winter. He was very charming, and not terrible looking. He was in band, which was a huge plus in my book- I was in orchestra and loved music. He had a car and we could actually DO things. He was also a creep. I did not know it at the time, but he was a massive player and kept me on board as a back up in case other girls fell through.

We were still going out at my birthday (which is very close to Valentine's day). He was supposed to pick me up to go out to eat and then a movie that Friday (birthday was Saturday). He never showed and never called.

I went into town Saturday to hang out, and stopped by where we hung out to game. The Dude was there, along with a few others. I was griping about my bad day (it was my birthday and my boyfriend stood me up) when the Dude said "come with me, I'll cheer you up".

We wound up hitting a record store, just browsing and talking. He was talking a mile a minute, and cracking jokes like no tomorrow. I was laughing pretty hard- he's a funny guy; I'm easily amused; and I needed the distractions. He had me nearly peeing my pants several times and I was relaxing out of my mad-on.

I was walking through the stacks and found a vinyl copy of Prince's Purple Rain. If there's one guy I love musically, it is PRINCE. I love his music, and the Dude knew it VERY well. I picked it up and oohed and aahed over it for a bit, and then stuck it back in the bin.

I was jabbering on about something completely different when I see the Dude at the cash register checking out. I figure we are headed to the next store when he hands me the Purple Rain album and says

"Happy Birthday"

It's probably one of the 5 nicest things anyone has ever done for me.

The Story of The Dude (Early Years)

For a while, I went to gaming with my dad because I was bored. However, it didn't take long before I wanted to go. While the guys there were weird and geeky, they talked to me. They treated me like a real person with feelings. They didn't completely shun me because I am not quite pretty. There were no comments about being thick or heavy. I was just as real as they were.

I know a lot of them talked to me and hung out with me initially as a favor to my dad. I know I wasn't really easy to get along with or very nice (essentially due to incessant teasing & bullying by people my own age). I know I was a bit jaded and cynical, and maybe a little b*tchy. But I did develop friendships and was starting to feel like I had something that "fit me".

I did not hang out with or interact with the Dude much at first. When I did, I was not impressed. He seemed like an argumentative know-it-all. I spent most of my time with some other guys doing really dumb, innocent stuff like delivering newspapers and wandering around town after school.

I was starting to find a place where I felt comfortable when my mom announced we (our family was my mom, me, my two brothers, and a brand new stepdad at this point) were moving to Iowa with her new husband. He was taking an associate (or maybe assistant) professor position with Iowa State University, and mom was going back to college there.

I was not thrilled with this idea at all. I had finally made FRIENDS and had something I liked doing, and I had to leave it. I fully admit I threw the world's biggest angstiest nastiest tantrum ever over this turn of events. It didn't change that we moved to Iowa.

Iowa stunk.

I was going into 8th grade in a small town where everyone knew everyone else and already had friendships and allegiances developed. I moved in, and tried to make friends with the next door neighbor girl- a shy, quiet girl with a small social circle. When school started, she faded into the woodwork like she always did, and I was left to the vultures. I was pretty much ignored, and I spent the year trying too hard to impress people that just didn't care.

I'll admit I was caught up in appearances and did everything I could to "look cool". While all my 8th grade shenanigans were going on, my mom announced that she was pregnant.

It did not take long for me to figure out that my mom, who was hip deep in school, and my step-dad, who was doing lots of cruddy work for nearly no pay, would be very busy and a baby would only make it worse. I was going to be/had just become a teenager and had not found a lot of activities or things to keep me busy. I was in a town with no friends, nothing I wanted to be involved in and no definite future- and my mom was going to have a baby.

I did not like this situation at all and what I felt it meant for me. I was headed to high school soon, with no friends and no way to do anything I might enjoy. I started to come up with a plan.

Interlude

Just a quick stop here in the present to say that The Dude totally rocks in every way. He is my absolute best friend ever and I can't imagine my life without him. I totally adore him in every possible way and I am so completely thankful for him in my life.

Baby, you're the best!

The Story of the Dude (The Day we Met)

My dad has worked out an arrangement for visitation with my mom. He takes each one of the three kids at separate times and does something "together".

My dad is a guy I didn't know much about or really understand at this time, but I desperately wanted a dad in my life. So I went on our outings.

We did a few random things- bowling, pizza, etc. One week, he had me and gaming at the same time, and so he took me with.

My dad was an old school strategic war-games guy at the time. He played a lot of ASL and other TSR/Avalon Hill/SSI games. He hung out with guys his age and older that played chit/grid games. They met once a week at a building at the local campus.

It just so happens that there is also a group of younger guys that play role-playing games that meet at the same time in the same building. The set up was similar to church groups- kind of grouped by age or interest, but this was for geeks.

I was not a typical geek in any standard definition. I did not like comics, not a huge fan of fantasy fiction, did not like science fiction much, and did not know the first thing about computers. My main geekery lay in a love of books. I was a bookworm at heart. I liked and did well in school.

My dad walks me around this building that smelled of chalk and bricks, introducing me to his friends and people he knows. We went through several rooms and they were all pretty much a blur. He came to a room with some people close to my age, and they were reading/discussing an extremely colorful book with flying people on it. I asked if I could hang around and see what they were up to, and I was invited to sit down.

In this room to the best of my memory was The Dude, "D" (our best man), my friend the "Yankee",and a few other guys who I'll refer to as "Flowers", "the Quaker" and "Red". There were a few other people either in the room or in the one next door that I met that night as well, but very few of them were involved in the the early years.

These strange guys with weird senses of humor started explaining what they were doing in extremely simple terms to me. They got me asking questions, and then started teaching me the rules of the game they were playing.

I was interested enough to ask my dad to bring me back again.

I can honestly tell you I did not think a whole lot of The Dude at that time. He was just some smart, geeky older guy my dad knew.

I know that first night was just the beginning of a long road to where we are now.

The Story of the Dude (Intro)

I've been asked to share the long & somewhat convoluted story of how the Dude & I came to be together... and because it's long, I am dividing it up into pieces.

Setting the scene:

I am the child of divorced parents. I am 12 or so. My dad is finally back in my life, and making a concerted effort to spend time with me and my brothers. My mom is cooperating, I go to visit my dad one week, and then things started to happen.


More to come!

Weirdness for Jak

I have been playing Jak, a formery Army medic, in a World of Darkness game for a while now. This game has gone through several transformations (including a 6 month hiatus and almost dying an untimely death) and Jak has been through a lot of WEIRD stuff. The game is currently a mixed genre setting, with a blend of base books being used.

An update since my last Jak report: The game USED to be set in Chicago and is now in Austin, TX. TallBoy is in the game but playing a new character, and Tom is still playing the Hobo(but improved). There are a number of other people involved now.

Jak has been alone for a long time. Any family or close friends have been dead for a while. So Jak depends on himself. Jak has a very simplistic approach to life- he can fix it or fight it. His longtime primary motivation had been to heal things, or attempt to make them better. If he wasn't able to do that, THEN it was time to crack some heads. He's a simple guy, really.

For about 6 months now, he's been forced to re-think this strategy. Jak doesn't deal with changes well, and reacts even LESS well to radical changes in philosophy. As a rule, if he doesn't understand something or something is outside his sense of immediacy, he tends to ignore it. Stuff that invades his life or his head usually makes him break out into fits of violence.

Jak was never intended to be a combat monster, but I discovered very quickly that he is a fighting machine. So his violence is usually VERY effective. And messy.

Lately, all kinds of things have been breaking into Jak's life and head that have been driving him to the verge of insanity. Jak is a little unbalanced anyway- he hasn't had a night without a nightmare in years. He's killed with his bare hands. He knows he has an explosive temper. So Jak decided to find a nice safe outlet for his frustration and found a fight club. Jak's done it before, and thought he knew GENERALLY what to expect...

but I keep forgetting this is Squirl's game, and things are always a little sideways from the norm. Jak apparently discovered the local werewolf "playground"- the place to vent steam, let off aggression, and not have outside questions or interference.

Problem is, Jak is human. He's the only non-supernatural being in the entire game at the moment.

Jak has somehow managed to win both the fights he's been in, which amuses the heck out of me- I laughed the whole way home that I kicked a werewolf's butt. But Jak has no clue this is going on. He just goes, and fights, and walks away the winner.

Jak is dealing with a lot right now- he recently moved across the country and since he moved, he has had TWO good dreams. AND not just happy, something is going right dreams- IMMENSELY good, exceptionally vivid dreams about things in his life that are so close to real, Jak can't tell if they happened or not.

He's seeing things. He's feeling weird. He found himself wanting to make friends- and actively took steps to do so. Jak asked a girl out on a date- something I never imagined Jak being willing to do (bad track record with women...). Jak is starting to evolve... Jak is freaking out.... and I am loving it.

I am being asked to step out of my comfort zone, deal with things, and really "be" Jak inside this little world. Jak is annoyed beyond belief and even more than a little angry, but *I* love this. It's why I game. I can't wait to see what happens next!

Action, Driving, Adventure, Exhaustion

I returned Friday from my trip. The trip was long. I learned a lot- mostly, that 4 hours on my own in the car is about my limit; and that I do not ever want to leave the kids for that long again. (Until they are grown or something. I am not obsessive.)


I was SO proud of myself. I drove there (4 hours) all by myself- to somewhere I had never been before, with directions from Google. My experience with Google directions is that they are usually right on either distances OR street/highway names- but very rarely BOTH at the same time. Despite that, I got there in one piece and DID NOT GET LOST!

Later in the week, I decided to be adventurous, and drove to a suburb of Cincinnati. I yet again drove all the way there by myself, with Google directions, and DID NOT GET LOST! I had a wonderful time in Cincinnati visiting with an "online friend" and paid a visit to one of the very nicest stamp stores I have ever seen.

I then returned to my hotel, on my own- without any written directions- Just "get off at "X" street" directions... AND DID NOT GET LOST!

I drove home, by myself, and while I *HAD* directions, I did not really need to use them until the middle of Indianapolis. Once I got past Indy, I knew the way home, and I made it safe and sound. I did NOT get lost.

I have to say that all this excitement is a little more than I am used to, and way more than I want to engage in regularly. I was worn out for the whole weekend after I got home!

My dog was so happy to see me he ran in circles, barked a bunch (very rare in the house anymore), licked me to pieces, and then laid in my lap.

My kids attacked me. The Dude was VERY glad to have me home. I am glad to be home.

Gulp

Today, I drive 4 hours away to a place I have never been, by myself. I don't exactly know where I am going and I am very good at getting lost.

I will be gone until Friday afternoon and I have NEVER been away from the kids for more than a 2 day weekend.

It'll be ok, right?

For the Dude

Just an open letter, because I know he looks here.

You are an amazing man, and I adore you more every day.

You know I like to read that message board-it's a little like a soap opera and I am always interested in other people's lives.

Every day that I read it, I am strongly reminded of how LUCKY I am. I am reminded every day of my life, but seeing slices of other people's lives just reinforces how wonderful you are. I have a faithful, honest, hardworking, dedicated and loving man that showers me with love and respect.

I can honestly say that even the "grrr" stuff is not enough to warrant a vent there- you're just too good and I won't subject you to the wrath of all those women that aren't in our situation.

Even on the weird or not so good days, I have a "strange relationship that's worth holdin' on 2" and I am glad for your presence in my life.

You light me up and make me feel so special, so important, so central to your life. You praise the stuff I do right and pick me up and dust me off when I fall down on the job. You hold me when I am all wrecky and encourage me when I need it. You remind me of how big & tough I am, and how I can handle anything, as long as

I have you.



I am beyond blessed and I am so glad that you are my best friend and my husband... and that I quit looking at FNM, took a chance, and kissed you.

(me/yours)

Constant State of Undone

So my life has taken a crazy and weird turn. No matter how much I'm prepared, no matter how much I plan, I never feel like I'm ready for the week ahead. I haven't been able to relax in my "normal" ways in a long time.

I haven't been able to let my guard down - to truly let myself go- in months. I tried to make cards, or scrapbook a couple weeks ago and nothing I did worked. I couldn't let go of the pit of fear, or the anxious knowing no matter what I did.

It's tiring and I'm trying to be positive. I could have a million other things to worry about, but I can't stop obsessing on the ones I am dealing with.

Bridges

Last year about this time, I posted some pictures from my drive to work. At the time, there was an overpass/bridge that was being worked on and replaced. The actual bridge going over the highway was completely gone and the shoring on the side was being strengthened.

Last year, it didn't really affect me much. The bridge and overpass were at a different exit and with the exception of slower traffic for a couple miles, the bridge being out did not have any impact on my life.

This year, the exit and overpass I use to get onto the highway are being replaced. This means that I can't get where I want to go without a lot of hassle. I have to drive 10 extra miles to get to the highway. There's a large amount of delay going in either direction near my exit so I have to allow extra time as well as extra driving.

These bridges were not in good shape. They weren't well maintained. Over time, their strengths, supports and shoring had eroded and they weren't safe to use.

I'm learning that if you take good care of your bridges and maintain them, you can get where you want to go without lots of hassles. It's easier to keep maintenance than it is to tear something down and start all over.

The bridges in my life are slowly getting on the maintenance schedule rather than the replacement one.

Not enough naps

I need a few more than I am getting.


It's a little fun, though.

Exhausted!

I recently started my new job. I discovered/got shoved into Facebook. I have a TIF meeting tonight. it's been storming here and I haven't slept for a couple days. My dog wants to play. My kids are hungry and my dishes are undone.

Life is beautiful and I am glad I am tired. I am glad for my challenges and my fun stuff. I'm asking a friend to take notes at the TIF meeting. I'm going to cook a simple dinner, ignore dishes and read a book.

Hooray!

Wonderments abound

I have been ducking life and laying low for a bit. I had mentioned some stuff going on in the background and I think I finally have a handle on what is happening and how I am going to deal with it.

Last Thursday, I was offered a very good part time job back at the paper I used to work for, in the same department, for my old boss (who I loved working for and wish I could clone). It was a strong base plus commission and potential for extra hours was plentiful. I was very excited about this and was going to train on a new system they installed in my absence tomorrow.

I had also been recruited by an insurance company and was being heavily pursued at the time of my interview with the paper. However, I had not yet passed my licensing exam, so they could not legally offer me a position with their firm.

I took and passed the exam today. I have a full time, professional career-oriented position waiting for me at the life insurance company starting Monday.

I stopped in to visit my former and soon-to-be again boss at the paper after I got my Certificate of Authority (aka License) to tell him in person that I was declining his offer of employment. He had been NOTHING but good to me in all of my dealings with him and I felt he deserved the courtesy of being told face-to-face that I was going onto "greener pastures". (Again- I left him to move onto the job I was recently laid off from under career advancement circumstances as well.)

He was completely gracious and very excited for me. He wished me all the best, and invited me to call on him once I got my feet under me. He also, without reservation or condition, told me that if the insurance job didn't work out, or if I did not like it, or anything went wrong in any way- to CALL HIM. He would FIND a job for me.

I have a plan and a contingency. I have awesome friends, fabulous family, wonderful church support and a rockin' husband.

I am fearfully and wonderfully made. And I am valued at a price beyond rubies. I get it now, that this was to show me a whole lot about who my friends are, and what I am meant to do.

I'm ok. And I'm getting better.

Amen.

Pink Lemonade Truth (*)

I have an awesome life. I have great friends and a loving family that care for me, support me and pray for me on a regular basis. I have a rockin' husband and fantastic kids. My dog is soft and lovable and showers me with kisses all the time. I'm blessed.









(*) Many thanks to Mr. McKeehan for this super apt wording.

Taking -

Stock-
chances-
interest-
risk-
heart-

These are all going on at my place. I have something pretty major going on behind the scenes and I can't really talk about it much. But I'm excited to be moving forward and I'm looking at ways to turn myself around.

Getting Back to "Me"

As a rule, I am a pretty laid back, mellow person. I do what needs to be done, I make lists, move on, and face the next day with a smile as much as I can.

Since the layoff, all of my fears have started to take over my normal way of thinking. They have started to creep into my head on a daily basis, and my regular self has morphed into someone I really do not like. Anxious, cranky, irritable, short-tempered, a little paranoid, disinterested in just about anything, disorganized, unable to complete projects- just a wreck. I really don't like this person I was turning into and the worst part was I felt trapped and couldn't find a way out.

This week, the grocery store job didn't have a lot of hours because of the University's spring break (the store is on campus so it is directly affected by student mass exodus). I didn't have any scheduled interviews or places to be.

So Monday, I slept in. I read a book. I hung out with The Dude. I cooked a real meal- actual dinner. I watched a few TV shows with the kids. I played with Cash. I was totally mentally lazy and did nothing but relax. Tuesday I applied for some jobs, but I did it all in about an hour.(I have gotten very good at it- it's a ninja skill!) Then, I helped a friend with his resume and got ideas on how to help him find a job he would like and be happy with. After this was done, I helped run him around to a few places (I have a car and his needs repairs) and then went home. I cooked dinner again. I hung out with the kids. I played with Cash. I read another book. Wednesday I did some chores around the house. I broke out my PaperCrafts magazine for ideas. I read a book. I hung out with the Dude when he got home from work. I made dinner. I've been helping my girlfriend get out of her own rut and possibly consider dating and I texted with her about cute guys for a while. Then I went into town and played in a new game- and had a BLAST. Yesterday I hung out at home for a while. I made the kids' dinner in advance and left them directions on the stove so they would have a real home-cooked dinner last night. I did work at the grocery store for a while, but it was slow and they sent me home early. I came home, hugged the kids, and watched a few episodes of Supernatural with TallBoy before bed.

Today is my "work day"- I am helping a dear friend clean his apartment before he moves away to HappilyEverAfter(TM) with his bride-to-be in Georgia. I'm scheduled to call back about an interview I had last week. I've got an appointment with a friend to talk about random (but important) stuff. I'm planning on making dinner.

All of this has really helped me find the "real me" again- and I feel more like my normal self. I'm starting to have interests in my hobbies again- I actually want to scrapbook again. It's been a gradual process- like pulling back the curtains and the light falling on the "old me"- but I like it. A lot.

My life isn't perfect and I want to be working at a full time job again soon, but I like my life right now. I have a lot of flexibility and I can work on projects, apply for jobs, or even take a nap if I want to, and I am still ok.

Being OK is good enough for me for now. It's actually kind of nice.

Maybe turning a corner

I think I finally hit on a great thinking process for this "no job"/"looking for work" stuff....

I am in sales and I am selling me. I can't take the rejections personally- I just have to find the right customer. And then do what I do best....

Angels

I'm a pretty eclectic person. I like all kinds of things with very few things being my absolute "favorite". I have knick knacks and pretty shiny things, but I was never known for collecting things until about 10 years ago.

I saw an angel Christmas tree topper that I just LOVED and I had to have it. My wonderful grandmother found one like it on clearance and sent it to me as a birthday gift. I really love her- she's the first. She's gilt with gold and lace, and was hand made. I have her on my "creation table" (as it is no longer restricted to scrap booking). I love to look at her when I am in my thinking process.

She was the only one for a while until I saw a snow globe with an angel inside it- one of the heralds, trumpeting Christ's arrival. It's silver and white- very wintery. I found her when I was pregnant with SweetPea, and she represents a very special moment in time when I knew SweetPea would change my life in fabulous ways. Another angel was present at that moment, telling me about how much joy my precious girl would bring me. Love you, Dolly.

They slowly started showing up in my home after SweetPea was a year or so old. I'd get an angel from a friend, and soon people saw that I had "more than one", and it was decided I collected them. I didn't really do anything to discourage the idea, and soon enough I was getting angels for my birthday, Christmas, anniversary, Mother's Day, St. Somebody's day (you know, the no-reason holiday), etc.

I do have a preference for bisque, white or wooden angels, without a lot of facial details. However, I have one or two that completely defy those general categories that I adore.

I have a pretty impressive collection, but my display space has been cut dramatically since we moved to our home in LittleTown. We just don't have enough wall space or shelves for them all to be displayed. So my favorites, or the ones with a great story are in my living room, under my picture window.

Here are a few of the angels in my home:

* Phew *

I've finally caught my breath!

I've been working quite a few hours at the grocery store lately. I've barely had time to sleep much less think or blog- but I am happy to have something to do.

I continue to look for a full time, professional job. I've had some good luck lately and hope I'll have some more.

It's Fat Tuesday and I haven't thought even one moment whether and/or what I'll sacrifice for Lent.

I've missed church and small group due to work lately, but I've kept myself in touch with some great worship music and hanging around some wonderful people.

I'm having a good day.

A Treat

Quite a few people that love me and care for me have been after me to take care of myself and give myself a "break" or a "treat" since I lost my job. Even my mom suggested a vacation. I put a lot of thought into how or if I could justify doing anything frivolous when my family needed me putting all my energy towards finding a way to support us.

But yesterday, I let myself have a treat. I asked my dad to watch the kids and the Dude and I went *out*. We went to a local bar and saw a band we enjoy-a LOT- play. We bought a couple drinks (with birthday money), and some souvenir T shirts (with some true "fun money").

I had a fabulous time. I danced, sang along, did some headbanging, and just enjoyed myself. I didn't worry about a thing, and I am glad.

Special Days

My SweetPea was recently discussing her favorite day. She loves Friday. She is all about the weekend and how much freedom Friday represents. She's always excited about Friday and looks forward to it all week.

Of course she wanted to know what MY favorite day of the week was. For many years, it has been Wednesday. I know lots of people that don't like it, but I do. I met the Dude on a Wednesday. For years, Wednesday was when I hung out with my friends (including the Dude) at gaming, at youth group, or just around town. I always looked forward to Wednesday.

But I've come to realize that my favorite day is changing. I think it's Tuesday now.

It's American Idol night. I dedicate that hour (or two) to spending time with my SweetPea, hanging out with her, watching singers, discussing our favorites, and generally enjoying each other. I learn more about her in that small window of time when we are on the couch eating "snacky food" and furiously writing down names & call-in numbers than I do all week.

For me, that's the best time in the world. I love having a chance to show my darling girl how important she is to me (enough that I have blocked off Tuesday night availability from any job application) and that we do have something in common.

She's been SweetPea for years- since she was teeny tiny. Within the past couple years, AT&T has started showing a commercial with that "SweetPea, apple of my eye" song showing a traveling Daddy and his little girl. Well, let me tell you, we had some tears at our house over it. The Dude is gone on Tuesday night at our store, and our SweetPea MISSES her daddy. That commercial would come on, and she would call him just to say hi. She knows that the Dude is home on Mondays (for the most part) and has taken to giving him extra hugs & kisses to last until Tuesday.

I love Tuesday and all the fun I have with her.

Simple Gifts

The major plus about this "no job" thing is that I have had an opportunity to spend a WHOLE lot more time with my kids. Yesterday and today, one or both of them have been sick, and I got to stay home with them with ABSOLUTELY NO guilt.

Best feeling in the world.

We piled on the couch with pillows and blankets and watched TV. We snoozed. We cuddled and hugged and glommed on each other.

I made comfort food for dinner ( spaghetti and jello) and baked brownies for dessert.

I held my ever growing children and kissed their heads. I took their temperatures and babied them endlessly.

I can't tell you how much I needed a day where I was a mom again, with no worries or interference, and all I had to worry about was if their feet were in my face.

Last night, the Dude took me out to dinner. It was a psuedo birthday dinner, as my birthday is Thursday and I am working (at my part time job) and the Dude will be at our business in the evening. We're HOPING that we can go see Clutch at a local club on Sunday for my "official" birthday celebration. (Paid for by my parents so I don't feel guilty about spending money on myself.)

I have a lot of hours at the part time job and was offered a position of responsibility (I accepted).

I had another interview on the phone today. It was short, but I continue to get called and find leads.

My kids are asking for their mom.

Being Challenged

I try really hard to avoid conflict or dealing with stuff that makes me upset. Usually, I make The Dude go scare whoever is making me cranky or I have someone run interference for me. Every now and then I threaten something crazy like refusing to make any more fudge and things get all better. But usually, I hide like a little girl and avoid, avoid, avoid.

Today, I acted like a "Big Girl" and dealt with a problem directly by myself.

I told someone that they were upsetting me.

I darn near puked the entire time I was talking to this person. I came close to crying and hyperventilating, too. I was so horribly nervous that this person would be mad and not like me anymore that I didn't want to tell them important stuff about how I felt.

I did it. And they didn't hate me. They actually listened and respected what I had to say.

I don't like this being challenged stuff. It's hard and makes me learn more new things about me.

Like, I have value.

Yeah, me.

You too.

Something... everything...nothing

There are days when your personal weaknesses will eat you up and spit you out if you let them.

I've had a long series of days where I have learned more and more about myself in a fairly un-fun way and now all my weaknesses are coming to kick my butt.

I might be a strong, tough woman- but I don't respond well to yelling or bullying. I might WANT to be a good manager/leader/in-charge person, but I'm not. I might want to be self-sufficient and good at quick decisions; but I'm not. I might want to pretend I don't give a darn what anyone else thinks of me, but I do. I might want to quit being so eager to please, but it hasn't happened yet.

All these weaknesses are magnified a million fold when around people I love dearly- and while all these things are subconscious, my loved ones pick up on them and find ways to "push my buttons".

And of course I haven't learned how to ignore this stuff yet and I get upset, hurt and angry. I haven't learned how to express this stuff well, either.

Cue Eric Clapton...

Because I am at a crossroads...

Music is a huge part of my life, by the way. I usually have a mental soundtrack going on in my head to go along with whatever is happening at the moment. So pardon my extremely old references when I make them... they make sense to me.

I'm considering using this "no job" time period to go back to school. I really only started to consider school again within the past 3-4 weeks and it wasn't really in reference to no job, but more about what I personally hope to achieve with my life. Since then, the thoughts have become a lot more about "no job", but have factored my personal feelings in a little.

I have a couple of thoughts-

One:

a short term deal where I recertify for a professional license I held previously - in order to find a GOOD job quickly. I checked and this profession has no less than 15 full time, well-paying openings in my area. The recert could be as short as 6 weeks- so I could be back working pretty quickly.

It wouldn't be the job I really want to do, but it's a job I am good at, pays well, offers insurance, and there is a need for it in my area. It would be very good for my family's stability. Is this good for me? I don't know. Will I regret it? I don't know.

Two:

is to really go back to school for something I actually want to study. It would be hard. It would probably be expensive. But I would have a degree (at least 2 year, and then possibly transfer to a university for a Bachelor's).

Would it result in a job? I don't know. Would I be glad I did it? I don't know. Can I afford it with a 15 yr old and a 12 yr old following behind me? I don't know.


School is not something I have really had an interest in. I tried it, it didn't work, and I am not sure how well I would do now that I am an adult with kids & house etc to worry about too. I don't have any idea how I could afford it with no job but apparently people do it. I don't know if more debt is the answer to my situation now. I don't know that I'd be any sort of good return on investment.

So I'm probably going to visit my local community college Monday to see what I need to do if I decide to try school again.

They don't bite, do they?

I don't mean to be wrecky, I just am!

Yesterday I had a total and complete mental meltdown. Absolute and utter hysteria, tears and general wailing were happening at my house- loudly. And it was my fault.

I learned a couple of important lessons yesterday - most importantly:

Dodge Durango trucks are BIG. One should not completely and totally be oblivious to these vehicles.

But I was. I backed right into one. I was luckily going really slowly, and just barely TOUCHED the guy's wheel fender. The damage is extremely minor, but he called it in within an HOUR of the incident. YAY insurance.

Next lesson:

My Dude is a wonderful man and loves me - a LOT.

I was a wreck yesterday and he just held me and then got me laughing.

He rocks.

Back to bed... I hope

So since the layoff notice, I have had serious troubles sleeping. Some days are better than others, but as a rule, when I am nervous or worried, I get obsessive and then worry some more which makes me obsessive etc. I often focus on something that MUST be done RIGHT NOW (yeah, 3am really makes a difference) and then can't sleep until it is done.

I have found that I think a little better in the quiet and dark of the middle of the night, but that there's no one to talk to or hug me.

The clinic didn't work out, but it's ok. I was able to say no to the crummy job without lying (something I don't like to do and am pretty bad at) due to a job related commitment.

I keep hoping I'll find some sort of routine and that will help- but my schedule has been crazy since the first week of January and it is not looking to improve any time soon.

I keep getting calls and I keep finding leads for jobs. I still have some hope for the job south of me. I'm staying busy, but my schedule changes from day to day. That's a good thing. I need to work out my "flexibility" muscle.

And go back to bed.

It's "quiet"...

Actually, the TV is on and I think it is Spongebob. TallBoy was just in the dining room, jumping- because he wanted to try to touch the ceiling. He's got Disturbed going on his stereo loud enough that I can hear it over the TV.

These noises assure me my kids are alive & well, enjoying their interests. I love the loudness of it- it becomes a kind of background noise for me. I love the "quiet" of a busy house with teenagers (TallBoy almost always has Fin or another friend over) and an-almost teen to-ing and fro-ing.

TV is off now. SweetPea is now in her room, with her iPod going- and she's singing along. I'm now hearing Joan Jett and Megadeth at the same time....

Only at my house is that quiet.

Ponzi, Peanuts and Prayers

I am at a loss for how to explain today except in one word:

Sucky.

I went to an "interview" that wound up to be just as I imagined a "business opportunity" in disguise (they didn't even want my resume and were ready to sign me up without a single sentence out of my mouth). I said no thank you and left. Ponzi schemes are not for me.

I went on to an open house for what I thought was a serious, professional position in the sales field. While sales is not necessarily what I WANT to be doing, I am pretty good at it and it usually pays well. I get there and I'm actually watching the "sales office" as I wait for my interview.

It was telemarketing for ads (which I did at our local paper for several years) with nothing but a headset and a phone book. (No personal computer, no email, no pictures, nothing.) The phones are designed so that you can only get an inside line if the office manager allows it. Your time on the phone is monitored and you are docked if you are even a minute low. Your breaks are scheduled a la "2nd grade". You don't even lock in and confirm your own sales- you pass if over the the "floor manager" to confirm that you can write down what the customer ordered appropriately. You don't do any layout, design- you don't even keep track of how much of the page is left to sell- it's all handled by the manager. This is all stuff I did the first WEEK I worked at the paper, so I am seeing it as a serious step backwards.

I get to the interview. The interviewer talks for a moment, shows me the product, and then asks me to read from their standard script (which is crummy, btw).

I frickin rock the script. I have an OUTSTANDING phone voice and I know how to modulate, breathe and follow a script well. I nail it and I know it.


The interviewer is trying to fill X amount of positions and tells me that he will know by the end of the day and expects to make calls tomorrow morning. He "has a feeling" he will be calling me. The job would start Monday.

I don't want to take this job.

I'm in the middle of my career and trying to move forward as a professional. This is a job that I would have gladly taken 6 or 7 years ago, but today is a different story.

The pay is about half what I currently make. Absolutely no mention of benefits or anything else.

If I decline, I might not qualify for unemployment. But taking it would be career suicide. This is a seriously peanuts job.

And the prayer:

The local clinic called me back; after I had a great 2nd interview last Friday. The call came while I was in a training session for my part time job.

I'm calling back tomorrow morning, right away. I'm praying for good news.

What I like to play

A conversation/comment on another blog caused me to really consider what I really like to play.

I'm not a typical gamer in any sense at all. I don't really enjoy fantasy, don't really like sci-fi, not a huge fan of comic books, certainly not a computer geek... I don't do Trek or Wars very much... so what DO I like?

I like dark future/creepy and sometimes scary. I like gritty, underworld, us-against-them, fighting to survive, maybe getting tough enough to fight a revolution type stuff. Dark Conspiracy, Shadowrun, Steampunk, Dreampark, World of Darkness, Feng Shui, Chill and even Chtulu when done right are the kinds of things I love to play. Some of Shane Hensley's stuff in Deadlands and related works hits the spot, but his sensibilities are often just a little too weird for me.

I really don't MIND futuristic games, as long as the science does not take over the fiction. It's kind of reminiscant of the old Reese's Peanut Butter Cup commercial- "hey, you got science in my fiction!". I don't want a stupid physics lesson on why the planet's geography, climate or size is impossible according to So & So's laws.... I want to PLAY!

I seriously quit a game after three people I know, like and respect spent 2 HOURS disagreeing over whether a certain planet type could exist within a certain solar system type in a MAKE BELIEVE world. BTW, full disclosure- one of these guys was my dad.

There's a lot of games I like *parts* of. I loved Earthdawn's setting- it was seriously the best fantasy setting I had ever encountered. But the system sucked booty. I like the idea of a flexible system like GURPS, but I've found the execution to be seriously lacking. Or, in a case like HERO, overdone. (Mr. Long needs an editor, badly.)

For fun & fluff, I like playing heroic games (Champions, Seventh Sea, Feng Shui sometimes)- but almost always a hopelessly twisted, somewhat dark & brooding character. I've gone out of my way to play someone different the past two games- we'll see what happens.

I like board games- but not strategic or tactical games. I like games where the point is obvious, easy to understand but might take some time to master, and fun. (Robo Rally and Infernal Contraption are good examples of this kind of game.) I do NOT like time or resource management games at ALL. I like puzzle games, and games that invoke laughter. (Jungle Speed is one of my favorites even though I am awful at it!)

I like miniature games for the most part. There are certain kinds I'm not fond of- I don't always see the point of a WWII game because um... we know what happened. But I love "fantastic" games like 40K, WarMachine, At-43 (even though I haven't played it, the idea is totally fascinating) and such.

I'll admit I like Magic in a casual setting. I happen to be the owner of several thousand cards, but they are inventory of the store- I can't really play with them. I can't and won't let myself get obsessive about them or tournament playing. It's just not that important to me.

There's certain games I will never play again. I seriously doubt I could ever be convinced to play a D&D style game ever again. I did it once, to say I did it, and it was ok. I did have fun, but I found the whole thing very limiting. The entire genre is not my cup of tea, so I doubt another run at it -a lot. VERY unlikely to play Traveller ever again- a certain GM pretty much ruined the game for me and stole all the possibility for fun right out of it. Any game where GM takes glee in killing the PCs (and not because they were stupid), where the Munchkins run the table, or the point is more about winning than having fun is going to be on my "no way" list.

I play to have fun and hang out with people I like. Usually HOW is irrelevant, as long as it is fun.

Some random stuff

John Williams' "Air & Simple Gifts" brought me to tears. "Simple Gifts" is a favorite... It's always been one of my favorite hymns and/or religious songs, reminding me of my childhood in the local UU fellowship group and my strong Irish heritage. (So much of the blessing is reminiscent of the old Irish benediction "may the road rise to meet you, may the wind be forever at your back...") The new take on it was interesting, not too "majestic" (my main complaint about Williams' compositions) very resonant, and short enough to keep your attention. I really loved it.

Speaking of Irish heritage, I don't always agree with Mr. Kennedy's politics, but I'm sincerely praying for him. There is in him the man that wrote one of the best national treasures of the modern generation, the eulogy for his brother. Anyone with that depth of passion, that knowledge, understanding of man, language and the common good is well worth a few prayers.


I found out that my former employer is doing layoffs. I encountered some of these people Friday when I was finally eligible to apply for unemployment. I heard of many of my previous colleagues who have lost their jobs. I must admit with full disclosure I was very unkind about one of them and I deeply regret it. I have to watch myself more carefully- it could be ME someone says something about to someone else... I blew it, I own it, and I have asked forgiveness for it.

I had the chance to help 2 people with their resume yesterday. I offered to help our friend KM and someone heard me talking about my experience and passed my name on to their friend. Said friend emailed me and I sent some advice back. I hope it works for them.


I'm still under consideration for a very good professional position about an hour south of me, as well as with a local clinic. I have an "interview" tomorrow, but I did some research and it's another "business opportunity" where you are an independent contractor without any support system. I'm going, because every person I meet is an opportunity. I've got to be positive about and to everyone I encounter.

because it could be ME that someone says something about to someone else.