The Story of the Dude (Another Whammy and Another Country)

Those weird feelings keep coming. They aren't all the time, but they are consistent. They are also annoying as heck. I try really hard to convince myself I have lost my mind and throw myself into something else for a while.

Life conspires against me in this plot, and I find myself around the Dude- a LOT. And these nagging, weird, fluttery, flip-floppy feelings just will not stop.

I try subtlety for a while, hoping maybe he will catch on.

That is a bad plan and does not work.

Someone that was hanging around the gaming group for a while convinces me to "go for it" and that I will never know whether things will work with The Dude if I do not try a more direct approach.

The plan goes something like this: look totally awesome around him, and see what unfolds. If nothing, then The Dude is a loser (in the sense that he does not get wonderful me) and I move on. If something happens, everyone wins. This is sometime in the springtime, I think near The Dude's birthday.

It sounded so easy...

I wore a dress. Not just any dress, but a dress that would have made Kelly Bundy from Married With Children PROUD. I get my hair prettied up. I wear makeup.

And then head to The Dude's place of work.

I drop in, say hi, talk for a bit, and while The Dude seems SURPRISED, he does not seem impressed at all.

I chalk this adventure up as a lesson in loss, and tell myself it is time to move on.

My heart does not like this idea one bit and I have a hard time letting go of my weird, annoying feelings for the Dude.

All the while, I have been planning a trip to France for the summer. I expect to be gone a month, and I am pretty excited. I know absolutely nothing about the family I will stay with, but I have a place to go and adventures to have. I tell myself that if nothing happens with The Dude before I leave for France, I will force myself to move on- I will NOT have a repeat of the 2 year crush I had on Guy X.

The end of the school year rolls around and I get serious about my preparations for my trip. I start planning "one last hurrah" events with my closest friends- including The Dude.

My plane for France leaves on the 4th of July. I am planning to head to my grandparents who live near the airport on the 2nd, and spend the 3rd at the conference for the exchange students. All of my plans with my friends are at the end of June.

It's June 30th, and the Dude & I are hanging out. I am dressed completely casually- cute jeans and my favorite top- a slightly tight black top with a low sweetheart neckline. We wander all over the local campus- pretty standard for us. We hit a few record stores, and there is a specific point when The Dude starts acting really buggy.

He won't look me in the face and keeps making slightly underhanded digs at my appearance. I am having too much fun to pay too much attention, but it is seriously weird behavior for The Dude.

We wind up at Arby's. I don't have a lot of money-most of it is going to my trip. The Dude offers to pay. I'm not super hungry, so I order a large curly fries with cheese. We head to a table and sit down, and The Dude is in full on absolutely crazy mode. I have NO idea what is going on but he pretty much ignores me to read the liner notes of a 247 Spies CD. The few times he speaks to me are weird, cryptic comments that could be come-ons or put downs.

I keep pretending nothing is wrong, but I get those darn feelings again, and I have a total mental freakout about halfway back to his apartment. Luckily I was able to cover it with a falsehood of needing to tie my shoes and things progress from there.

We're at his apartment, hanging out on the couch, talking and having a good time. The weirdness has passed and I feel comfortable and relaxed around The Dude again. I feel confident that he's set as my best friend and I can start looking for new guys to date when I get back from my trip.

Then it happens.

The Dude tells me that he likes me, and is looking for a "serious relationship". He goes on to say that he doesn't want anything casual, but something that will last a while, and possibly lead to more than just dating. And he wants it to be with me.

I am beyond petrified. I hoped for something like this with The Dude for a while, but the timing couldn't be worse, and I had JUST (I mean literally minutes prior to this revelation) relegated him to the "Friend Zone".

I decide the best thing to do is to be honest. I tell him that I'm afraid our dating will ruin our friendship. I tell him that he has lousy timing, too.

He seems strangely unphased by this and acts like he understands. We talk for a while more. We agree that we should at least try dating with the understanding that if it is "weird", we will go back to being friends, and no hurt feelings.

We stand up, and hug. It's pretty nice. There's a moment where I am stuck in my fear, my anticipation and my nerves, and I freeze with my face against his chest. He's wearing a Faith No More T-shirt, with the band members on it rather than their logo. He is warm and smells good. I hear:

"Are you going to kiss me, or are you going to stand there staring at Mike Patton all night?"

I kiss him for the first time, and I am home. I know I am where I am meant to be and I never want to leave.

I am scheduled to leave town in 2 days.