It's Complicated

I have a place in my life that is really important to me. It's been crucial to my ability to keep my sanity throughout this year. It's a place where I feel comfortable, safe, relaxed, and like "me". I can open up, unwind, enjoy being unpressured or stressed, and move along with my life.

I hold this place very dear to me. It's "off limits" to other interruptions (including work) and I make every effort to treat it with respect.

I have done a lot of work to help this place grow. I've been aware that it in growing, it is changing, and I am trying to grow with it. I have been pretty excited about some of the changes, even when others involved were not so sure.

I know my hard work and willingness to stick it out when it got hard is part of why this place is so special. I know that I'm a big part of why this place is where it is now. I'm not the only one involved, and others are getting most, if not all, of the recognition for the improvements and changes.

They definitely deserve recognition. The parts they play are important to where this place is going and what's happening to it, and I recognize that. I'm not upset that they are getting their due.

I'm a little jealous, and a little hurt that my contributions are being overlooked. I'm feeling pushed out and less than respected, and it bothers me. Very recently, there was a talk about who had done what, and I wasn't mentioned once.

There was definitely a strong feeling of pettiness ("what about me"), but I swallowed it at the time. Expressing that would not have done anything to help or improve things, and I really believe in making it better above all else.

Do I really need the recognition, or do I need this place? Do I want to keep at it, or move past this and find a "new" safe haven? Am I strong enough to handle this disappointment or will I cave like I have in the past? Do I grow with this place, and find ways to help others involved through my efforts?

It bothers me that I care about what others think so much, and it drives me nuts that this is even an issue. Being who I want to be means rising above this "fluffy emo" stuff and taking pride in the work I've done, regardless of peer perception. I know I am not there yet, and it bugs me.

Life is full of changes (thanks, Julee!) and how you handle them shows a lot about who you are. These changes in both my safe place and myself are important, but scary. I'm aware of my struggle and I'm trying to open myself to being better than whining.

It's just really complicated.

Let me off this ride!

So, this year has been a challenge. I have had so many of my comfort zones widened, expanded, stretched or even outright demolished I have very little left that I feel "safe" in.

Layoff. Unemployment. Working every single shift (days, evenings, nights) at a part time job, all in the same week with no semblance of a "normal schedule". Interviews. Strange Interviews. Crazy Interviews. A few interviews, I thought I was being "Punk'd". A new job. A couple breaths. 10 to 14 hour days, on a regular basis. No set idea how or when I'd see my kids. Driving 100+ miles a DAY. Quitting. Part time job. Interviews, more interviews, and interviews again. This round seemed much more "normal" than round 1 at the beginning of the year. New job (again).

I hate this. It feels like a bad carnival ride, and I really want to get off. I want some of my comforts, the things I can depend on. But it seems as if it's up to me to be the dependable one, the one others rely on for strength and stability.

I used to be a really tough cookie, but grew over time into who I feel I am today- a loving, compassionate woman with a tender heart. And now, I get to be the fighter again.

I'm trying to balance the tough & strength with the caring concern, and I haven't figured out how. I'm trying to be what is needed and who I am is very hard to see right now. I am upside down and I don't like it.

I want off this ride.

But I know I'm getting stronger every day.

And that's a good thing, right?

Twang

My heartstrings have been plucked quite mightily, by fate, time, frivolity and reality. I faced this the other day- a magical person who had once been a tiny terror (but still terrific), a mini monarch; a toddler tyrant. Now, this person is more than magical- majestic, tremendous, exhilarating and WAY TOO BIG!




TallBoy pronounced that she looked like a "Wampire" (whiny vampire) and thus needed to be "twanged" with arrows (through the heart, of course) to re-deadify her. He proceeded to walk around proclaiming "twang" at her all evening, with much giggling and sighing, depending on her mood.

Twang, indeed.