Cue Eric Clapton...

Because I am at a crossroads...

Music is a huge part of my life, by the way. I usually have a mental soundtrack going on in my head to go along with whatever is happening at the moment. So pardon my extremely old references when I make them... they make sense to me.

I'm considering using this "no job" time period to go back to school. I really only started to consider school again within the past 3-4 weeks and it wasn't really in reference to no job, but more about what I personally hope to achieve with my life. Since then, the thoughts have become a lot more about "no job", but have factored my personal feelings in a little.

I have a couple of thoughts-

One:

a short term deal where I recertify for a professional license I held previously - in order to find a GOOD job quickly. I checked and this profession has no less than 15 full time, well-paying openings in my area. The recert could be as short as 6 weeks- so I could be back working pretty quickly.

It wouldn't be the job I really want to do, but it's a job I am good at, pays well, offers insurance, and there is a need for it in my area. It would be very good for my family's stability. Is this good for me? I don't know. Will I regret it? I don't know.

Two:

is to really go back to school for something I actually want to study. It would be hard. It would probably be expensive. But I would have a degree (at least 2 year, and then possibly transfer to a university for a Bachelor's).

Would it result in a job? I don't know. Would I be glad I did it? I don't know. Can I afford it with a 15 yr old and a 12 yr old following behind me? I don't know.


School is not something I have really had an interest in. I tried it, it didn't work, and I am not sure how well I would do now that I am an adult with kids & house etc to worry about too. I don't have any idea how I could afford it with no job but apparently people do it. I don't know if more debt is the answer to my situation now. I don't know that I'd be any sort of good return on investment.

So I'm probably going to visit my local community college Monday to see what I need to do if I decide to try school again.

They don't bite, do they?

I don't mean to be wrecky, I just am!

Yesterday I had a total and complete mental meltdown. Absolute and utter hysteria, tears and general wailing were happening at my house- loudly. And it was my fault.

I learned a couple of important lessons yesterday - most importantly:

Dodge Durango trucks are BIG. One should not completely and totally be oblivious to these vehicles.

But I was. I backed right into one. I was luckily going really slowly, and just barely TOUCHED the guy's wheel fender. The damage is extremely minor, but he called it in within an HOUR of the incident. YAY insurance.

Next lesson:

My Dude is a wonderful man and loves me - a LOT.

I was a wreck yesterday and he just held me and then got me laughing.

He rocks.

Back to bed... I hope

So since the layoff notice, I have had serious troubles sleeping. Some days are better than others, but as a rule, when I am nervous or worried, I get obsessive and then worry some more which makes me obsessive etc. I often focus on something that MUST be done RIGHT NOW (yeah, 3am really makes a difference) and then can't sleep until it is done.

I have found that I think a little better in the quiet and dark of the middle of the night, but that there's no one to talk to or hug me.

The clinic didn't work out, but it's ok. I was able to say no to the crummy job without lying (something I don't like to do and am pretty bad at) due to a job related commitment.

I keep hoping I'll find some sort of routine and that will help- but my schedule has been crazy since the first week of January and it is not looking to improve any time soon.

I keep getting calls and I keep finding leads for jobs. I still have some hope for the job south of me. I'm staying busy, but my schedule changes from day to day. That's a good thing. I need to work out my "flexibility" muscle.

And go back to bed.

It's "quiet"...

Actually, the TV is on and I think it is Spongebob. TallBoy was just in the dining room, jumping- because he wanted to try to touch the ceiling. He's got Disturbed going on his stereo loud enough that I can hear it over the TV.

These noises assure me my kids are alive & well, enjoying their interests. I love the loudness of it- it becomes a kind of background noise for me. I love the "quiet" of a busy house with teenagers (TallBoy almost always has Fin or another friend over) and an-almost teen to-ing and fro-ing.

TV is off now. SweetPea is now in her room, with her iPod going- and she's singing along. I'm now hearing Joan Jett and Megadeth at the same time....

Only at my house is that quiet.

Ponzi, Peanuts and Prayers

I am at a loss for how to explain today except in one word:

Sucky.

I went to an "interview" that wound up to be just as I imagined a "business opportunity" in disguise (they didn't even want my resume and were ready to sign me up without a single sentence out of my mouth). I said no thank you and left. Ponzi schemes are not for me.

I went on to an open house for what I thought was a serious, professional position in the sales field. While sales is not necessarily what I WANT to be doing, I am pretty good at it and it usually pays well. I get there and I'm actually watching the "sales office" as I wait for my interview.

It was telemarketing for ads (which I did at our local paper for several years) with nothing but a headset and a phone book. (No personal computer, no email, no pictures, nothing.) The phones are designed so that you can only get an inside line if the office manager allows it. Your time on the phone is monitored and you are docked if you are even a minute low. Your breaks are scheduled a la "2nd grade". You don't even lock in and confirm your own sales- you pass if over the the "floor manager" to confirm that you can write down what the customer ordered appropriately. You don't do any layout, design- you don't even keep track of how much of the page is left to sell- it's all handled by the manager. This is all stuff I did the first WEEK I worked at the paper, so I am seeing it as a serious step backwards.

I get to the interview. The interviewer talks for a moment, shows me the product, and then asks me to read from their standard script (which is crummy, btw).

I frickin rock the script. I have an OUTSTANDING phone voice and I know how to modulate, breathe and follow a script well. I nail it and I know it.


The interviewer is trying to fill X amount of positions and tells me that he will know by the end of the day and expects to make calls tomorrow morning. He "has a feeling" he will be calling me. The job would start Monday.

I don't want to take this job.

I'm in the middle of my career and trying to move forward as a professional. This is a job that I would have gladly taken 6 or 7 years ago, but today is a different story.

The pay is about half what I currently make. Absolutely no mention of benefits or anything else.

If I decline, I might not qualify for unemployment. But taking it would be career suicide. This is a seriously peanuts job.

And the prayer:

The local clinic called me back; after I had a great 2nd interview last Friday. The call came while I was in a training session for my part time job.

I'm calling back tomorrow morning, right away. I'm praying for good news.

What I like to play

A conversation/comment on another blog caused me to really consider what I really like to play.

I'm not a typical gamer in any sense at all. I don't really enjoy fantasy, don't really like sci-fi, not a huge fan of comic books, certainly not a computer geek... I don't do Trek or Wars very much... so what DO I like?

I like dark future/creepy and sometimes scary. I like gritty, underworld, us-against-them, fighting to survive, maybe getting tough enough to fight a revolution type stuff. Dark Conspiracy, Shadowrun, Steampunk, Dreampark, World of Darkness, Feng Shui, Chill and even Chtulu when done right are the kinds of things I love to play. Some of Shane Hensley's stuff in Deadlands and related works hits the spot, but his sensibilities are often just a little too weird for me.

I really don't MIND futuristic games, as long as the science does not take over the fiction. It's kind of reminiscant of the old Reese's Peanut Butter Cup commercial- "hey, you got science in my fiction!". I don't want a stupid physics lesson on why the planet's geography, climate or size is impossible according to So & So's laws.... I want to PLAY!

I seriously quit a game after three people I know, like and respect spent 2 HOURS disagreeing over whether a certain planet type could exist within a certain solar system type in a MAKE BELIEVE world. BTW, full disclosure- one of these guys was my dad.

There's a lot of games I like *parts* of. I loved Earthdawn's setting- it was seriously the best fantasy setting I had ever encountered. But the system sucked booty. I like the idea of a flexible system like GURPS, but I've found the execution to be seriously lacking. Or, in a case like HERO, overdone. (Mr. Long needs an editor, badly.)

For fun & fluff, I like playing heroic games (Champions, Seventh Sea, Feng Shui sometimes)- but almost always a hopelessly twisted, somewhat dark & brooding character. I've gone out of my way to play someone different the past two games- we'll see what happens.

I like board games- but not strategic or tactical games. I like games where the point is obvious, easy to understand but might take some time to master, and fun. (Robo Rally and Infernal Contraption are good examples of this kind of game.) I do NOT like time or resource management games at ALL. I like puzzle games, and games that invoke laughter. (Jungle Speed is one of my favorites even though I am awful at it!)

I like miniature games for the most part. There are certain kinds I'm not fond of- I don't always see the point of a WWII game because um... we know what happened. But I love "fantastic" games like 40K, WarMachine, At-43 (even though I haven't played it, the idea is totally fascinating) and such.

I'll admit I like Magic in a casual setting. I happen to be the owner of several thousand cards, but they are inventory of the store- I can't really play with them. I can't and won't let myself get obsessive about them or tournament playing. It's just not that important to me.

There's certain games I will never play again. I seriously doubt I could ever be convinced to play a D&D style game ever again. I did it once, to say I did it, and it was ok. I did have fun, but I found the whole thing very limiting. The entire genre is not my cup of tea, so I doubt another run at it -a lot. VERY unlikely to play Traveller ever again- a certain GM pretty much ruined the game for me and stole all the possibility for fun right out of it. Any game where GM takes glee in killing the PCs (and not because they were stupid), where the Munchkins run the table, or the point is more about winning than having fun is going to be on my "no way" list.

I play to have fun and hang out with people I like. Usually HOW is irrelevant, as long as it is fun.

Some random stuff

John Williams' "Air & Simple Gifts" brought me to tears. "Simple Gifts" is a favorite... It's always been one of my favorite hymns and/or religious songs, reminding me of my childhood in the local UU fellowship group and my strong Irish heritage. (So much of the blessing is reminiscent of the old Irish benediction "may the road rise to meet you, may the wind be forever at your back...") The new take on it was interesting, not too "majestic" (my main complaint about Williams' compositions) very resonant, and short enough to keep your attention. I really loved it.

Speaking of Irish heritage, I don't always agree with Mr. Kennedy's politics, but I'm sincerely praying for him. There is in him the man that wrote one of the best national treasures of the modern generation, the eulogy for his brother. Anyone with that depth of passion, that knowledge, understanding of man, language and the common good is well worth a few prayers.


I found out that my former employer is doing layoffs. I encountered some of these people Friday when I was finally eligible to apply for unemployment. I heard of many of my previous colleagues who have lost their jobs. I must admit with full disclosure I was very unkind about one of them and I deeply regret it. I have to watch myself more carefully- it could be ME someone says something about to someone else... I blew it, I own it, and I have asked forgiveness for it.

I had the chance to help 2 people with their resume yesterday. I offered to help our friend KM and someone heard me talking about my experience and passed my name on to their friend. Said friend emailed me and I sent some advice back. I hope it works for them.


I'm still under consideration for a very good professional position about an hour south of me, as well as with a local clinic. I have an "interview" tomorrow, but I did some research and it's another "business opportunity" where you are an independent contractor without any support system. I'm going, because every person I meet is an opportunity. I've got to be positive about and to everyone I encounter.

because it could be ME that someone says something about to someone else.

My Dog is Weird

I watch Barking Mad, It's Me or the Dog, and Dog Whisperer; so I've seen a whole host of bad behaviors or bad habits dogs can get.

Cash doesn't do anything really "wrong" or "bad"- he just has behaviors that are strange, habits that are different, and is a little goofy. He fits right it at our house.

He's a pound puppy (literally born there - his mother was in distress and the shelter refused to let her die). He's mostly Border Collie and some Sheltie, with we think something else, but don't know what. We love him!

Most of the things that are "weird" that he does are related to eating. I've just come to accept that these actions are part of what makes my soft & fuzzy dog so dang wonderful.


Here's the lowdown on the dog:

He won't eat if we are not home. The only thing he will eat is a treat from his Kong. His water & bowl can be full, but he won't touch it unless his people are around.

He STRONGLY prefers to eat when we are all at home. On days when The Dude doesn't come home at night, he waits until all the REST of us are home to eat. If TallBoy stays out with friends, Cash waits until he is home to have dinner.

He won't eat at his bowl and is very nervous about eating when anyone is in the kitchen. If someone is in the kitchen, he has to be told (repeatedly) "go eat! It's ok. Go eat!" He'll sneak over to his bowl, grab a bite of food, and hustle into the dining room to crunch it up. Often, he drops the food in his mouth onto the floor and then eats it (but won't eat in the kitchen unless he is really hungry). He'll do this until he's all done eating.

He won't eat anything out of our hands, except treats- and even those he's a little nervous about. He would be MUCH happier if I dropped his treats for him to grab rather than making him get it from me.

After he's done eating, he wants his bowl to be full. He's not hungry, but it makes him upset if his bowl is empty. He whines and does this weird "circling" behavior in and out of the kitchen until we realize we need to put food in his bowl.

He LOVES bread. LOVES, LOVES, LOVES bread. He likes starches of any kind, but he'll take bread over bacon any day.

He likes *bubbles*. I'll wash dishes and my hands will be soapy, and he will come in to lick off the bubbles. Loves bubbles. The kids love to play with him when it is warm with bubble soap- keeps the dog busy for HOURS chasing bubbles. (And eating them)

Other stuff, not related to eating-

He checks everyone's bed before they GO to bed. He makes sure "there are no bad guys" (this is what I tell SweetPea) and that everyone is safe.

Once everyone is in bed, he does a round in the house to make sure we are all ok. Then he comes to bed to sleep.

When he wants to go outside, if we are not paying attention, he comes up to us and pokes us with his nose. We call it "beaking". As we are on the way to the door, he continues to "beak" us in the back of the leg until he is outside.

He barks when we laugh a lot. Then he gets excited and wants to play. Lots of fun.

He hates the car. Gets carsick. The vet, which is 10-15 miles away, is about his limit without severe stomach upset.

He's a good dog. He knows most of his manners. The ones he does not know, I have not taught him yet. He learns quickly and wants to please us. But he sure does know how to get our attention to let us know what he wants.

We love our dog... even if he is weird.

From "squeaky house" to this...

My darling TallBoy will be 15 tomorrow. He's huge. Really tall. He's still growing and has bony elbows, knees, long fingers and BIG feet. He's well into full blown puberty with hair growing *everywhere* (and LOTS of it, too). His face is always in need of a shave. He smells distinctly like "boy", though he has discovered Axe and other body sprays.

He's funny. He's smart. He's got a wicked sense of humor. He loves to be a smart alec; very much like the Dude. (In some ways they are exactly alike. It's scary!) He's very compassionate to the people he cares about. He's fiercely loyal. He's got a tendency towards righteousness. He's got a temper, too. He knows himself. He's got great judgement about people. He's such a cool guy.

He was a lot different as a baby and small guy. He was fussy, tempermental, picky, stubborn, mean, stinky, and ROUND. The boy knew how to eat. Born at 7lbs 15 oz, he weighed 16 lbs 7oz at his 8 week checkup. He gained a pound a week for 8 weeks straight and I was nursing. Sleep, *pshaw right*. At 6 months he weighed 25 pounds- bigger than some 1 year olds. At one, he weighed 40 pounds.

As he became a toddler, he became obsessed with routine and control. New things were NOT allowed, or terrible 2-3 HOUR tantrums ensued. He had weird, irrational fears- crowds, loud noises, overly shiny things... forget a parade. NOT gonna happen.

He had funny, quirky habits. One he had that was especially endearing was his "squeaky house". He'd take the BIG Duplos or wooden blocks, or blankets, or boxes, and build walls around himself until he was walled into a tiny 2x2 (or smaller) space and the walls would be taller than he was. He'd stay in there, keeping himself amused (somehow) for hours on end. He would also do this with a toybox (about 2x3). He'd throw all the toys out, sit inside, grab a couple toys he liked, and proceed to play -IN- the toybox.

He has a reputation for being a picky eater, but he has started to grow out of it a little. He's at least willing to try new things. But feeding that kid has been an adventure. I don't have any idea how he got so big- as a kid he only ate Cheerios (No milk), hot dogs (not cooked) and cheese sandwiches. Every now and then some applesauce.

And he is 6' and almost 200 pounds. He's almost 15.

He's a great kid that I love passionately, and I am PROUD to be his mom. I am proud of him.

Happy almost birthday, my little star. You're the sun now. My sun, my son.

Studying

Three interviews and a pre-employment test for seasonal work next week. I am studying the art of not-saying-anything-dumb and impressing-employers.

I'm fairly excited, but realistic. And deeply in tune with my weird humor.


Suddenly I want to beat up a fax machine. But only after I epic fail embezzlement. Ha.

It's all good.

Poor Poor Pitiful Me

Cue Warren from the Zombie section...

I am job hunting and sick at the same time. Yuk-o.

I went to two "cattle call" job fair deals. At the first, I was the only person with:

brushed hair
A pen
a clipboard
a suit
a resume
no baby

At the other, there were some other "put together" folks, but I was still the only one with:

a pen
a clipboard

At the first place, I looked around and wondered if I was in the right place. I know I made an impression, and hope to hear from the hiring manager soon.

At the second place they were doing on-the-spot interviews and I think I did well.
I doped myself up on Day-Quil and had plenty of hand sanitizer to sit in a room full of 100+ folks, take a 5th grade math test, and possibly have a job.

I've gotten two responses for "further information" since this process started, and one "job offer" (which was a "Business Opportunity" in disguise).

I have no plans to go anywhere tomorrow unless I get called for an interview. I plan to sleep some and clean my house. If I'm still getting paid, I may as well work. We'll see what the rest of the week brings.

Time for some Green NyQuil.

I don't deserve this

This past week has been a blur.

I mentally allowed myself the week of Christmas "off" and really did not look for work. I needed time with my kids that involved no stress, no worrying, and lots of fun.

As of Monday, I have sent out countless applications/resumes, have tried to battle my budget into submission (HA!), found a lot of things to keep me busy and trooped on with my life.

And at every turn, my cup continues to overflow.

I've received unexpected financial help recently. My mother is just being awesome in ways I can't explain. My faith has been strengthened by my friends and family. A member of my small group at church has offered me a part time job. My life is filled with the spirit and person of G-d in soft, huggable bodies.

I've hoped to be a good, loving person. I've hoped to be a light to those that need it. I've hoped to be approachable and easygoing in my faith. I've never been certain I was doing it well.

I don't feel like I deserve all this kindness. I'm struggling to accept it all and I have learned a whole lot of ways to say thank you.


Thank you doesn't seem enough. It just doesn't.