* Phew *

I've finally caught my breath!

I've been working quite a few hours at the grocery store lately. I've barely had time to sleep much less think or blog- but I am happy to have something to do.

I continue to look for a full time, professional job. I've had some good luck lately and hope I'll have some more.

It's Fat Tuesday and I haven't thought even one moment whether and/or what I'll sacrifice for Lent.

I've missed church and small group due to work lately, but I've kept myself in touch with some great worship music and hanging around some wonderful people.

I'm having a good day.

A Treat

Quite a few people that love me and care for me have been after me to take care of myself and give myself a "break" or a "treat" since I lost my job. Even my mom suggested a vacation. I put a lot of thought into how or if I could justify doing anything frivolous when my family needed me putting all my energy towards finding a way to support us.

But yesterday, I let myself have a treat. I asked my dad to watch the kids and the Dude and I went *out*. We went to a local bar and saw a band we enjoy-a LOT- play. We bought a couple drinks (with birthday money), and some souvenir T shirts (with some true "fun money").

I had a fabulous time. I danced, sang along, did some headbanging, and just enjoyed myself. I didn't worry about a thing, and I am glad.

Special Days

My SweetPea was recently discussing her favorite day. She loves Friday. She is all about the weekend and how much freedom Friday represents. She's always excited about Friday and looks forward to it all week.

Of course she wanted to know what MY favorite day of the week was. For many years, it has been Wednesday. I know lots of people that don't like it, but I do. I met the Dude on a Wednesday. For years, Wednesday was when I hung out with my friends (including the Dude) at gaming, at youth group, or just around town. I always looked forward to Wednesday.

But I've come to realize that my favorite day is changing. I think it's Tuesday now.

It's American Idol night. I dedicate that hour (or two) to spending time with my SweetPea, hanging out with her, watching singers, discussing our favorites, and generally enjoying each other. I learn more about her in that small window of time when we are on the couch eating "snacky food" and furiously writing down names & call-in numbers than I do all week.

For me, that's the best time in the world. I love having a chance to show my darling girl how important she is to me (enough that I have blocked off Tuesday night availability from any job application) and that we do have something in common.

She's been SweetPea for years- since she was teeny tiny. Within the past couple years, AT&T has started showing a commercial with that "SweetPea, apple of my eye" song showing a traveling Daddy and his little girl. Well, let me tell you, we had some tears at our house over it. The Dude is gone on Tuesday night at our store, and our SweetPea MISSES her daddy. That commercial would come on, and she would call him just to say hi. She knows that the Dude is home on Mondays (for the most part) and has taken to giving him extra hugs & kisses to last until Tuesday.

I love Tuesday and all the fun I have with her.

Simple Gifts

The major plus about this "no job" thing is that I have had an opportunity to spend a WHOLE lot more time with my kids. Yesterday and today, one or both of them have been sick, and I got to stay home with them with ABSOLUTELY NO guilt.

Best feeling in the world.

We piled on the couch with pillows and blankets and watched TV. We snoozed. We cuddled and hugged and glommed on each other.

I made comfort food for dinner ( spaghetti and jello) and baked brownies for dessert.

I held my ever growing children and kissed their heads. I took their temperatures and babied them endlessly.

I can't tell you how much I needed a day where I was a mom again, with no worries or interference, and all I had to worry about was if their feet were in my face.

Last night, the Dude took me out to dinner. It was a psuedo birthday dinner, as my birthday is Thursday and I am working (at my part time job) and the Dude will be at our business in the evening. We're HOPING that we can go see Clutch at a local club on Sunday for my "official" birthday celebration. (Paid for by my parents so I don't feel guilty about spending money on myself.)

I have a lot of hours at the part time job and was offered a position of responsibility (I accepted).

I had another interview on the phone today. It was short, but I continue to get called and find leads.

My kids are asking for their mom.

Being Challenged

I try really hard to avoid conflict or dealing with stuff that makes me upset. Usually, I make The Dude go scare whoever is making me cranky or I have someone run interference for me. Every now and then I threaten something crazy like refusing to make any more fudge and things get all better. But usually, I hide like a little girl and avoid, avoid, avoid.

Today, I acted like a "Big Girl" and dealt with a problem directly by myself.

I told someone that they were upsetting me.

I darn near puked the entire time I was talking to this person. I came close to crying and hyperventilating, too. I was so horribly nervous that this person would be mad and not like me anymore that I didn't want to tell them important stuff about how I felt.

I did it. And they didn't hate me. They actually listened and respected what I had to say.

I don't like this being challenged stuff. It's hard and makes me learn more new things about me.

Like, I have value.

Yeah, me.

You too.

Something... everything...nothing

There are days when your personal weaknesses will eat you up and spit you out if you let them.

I've had a long series of days where I have learned more and more about myself in a fairly un-fun way and now all my weaknesses are coming to kick my butt.

I might be a strong, tough woman- but I don't respond well to yelling or bullying. I might WANT to be a good manager/leader/in-charge person, but I'm not. I might want to be self-sufficient and good at quick decisions; but I'm not. I might want to pretend I don't give a darn what anyone else thinks of me, but I do. I might want to quit being so eager to please, but it hasn't happened yet.

All these weaknesses are magnified a million fold when around people I love dearly- and while all these things are subconscious, my loved ones pick up on them and find ways to "push my buttons".

And of course I haven't learned how to ignore this stuff yet and I get upset, hurt and angry. I haven't learned how to express this stuff well, either.