Breathless

I have some "Big Things" in the works at the moment, but they are completely dependent on other people, timing, a little luck and a lot of waiting.

I have gotten MUCH better at waiting in the past year. I have learned a lot about how to disperse that obnoxious energy that seems to infiltrate the time between starting something and actually getting something accomplished. It's an interesting thing- it's almost like floating, because so much effort is being put into being still.

I hope to have things settled that I can announce them in a week or so. Till then, I will keep waiting.

Sand Angel

I recently caught up with one of my closest friends from Junior High via Facebook. When I knew him, he was high energy, funny, always interested in helping others, and a martial arts nut with a thrill seeking nature.

I discovered that he has become an Army Medic. This is totally not what I had imagined he would become. I'm not entirely sure what exactly I thought he might do when grew up, but Army Medic was not it. I jokingly envisioned him as a professional world changer (activist) or maybe a ninja (stunt man?).

He recently got deployed to Iraq. He's been sharing what he is allowed - a few views of his life via Facebook and his blog, and I've realized that he is still as wacky and interested in helping others as always. This guy drives an ambulance into firefights to go save guys he doesn't know, fix 'em up and then send them home. Sounds a lot like both a world changer and a ninja to me.

His view of his bunk/room was particularily eye opening. He joked about his prized possessions- a folding table and folding chair (makeshift desk)- and showed off his locker. He was making many comments about his "zany stuff" and I had to do a couple of double takes.

Right now, my friend's worldly possessions fit into an oversized suitcase. He travels the world with less items than I take on vacation and he makes it his home no matter where he goes.

His running commentary on the camp, his fellow soldiers, his life & duty are all told in his same high energy wise cracking way. He hasn't changed very much at all- but he changes everything around him just by being himself.

I'm really honored to know him.

I Had Forgotten

I had forgotten


how much I love and need my wonderful church family

how good it feels to be supported rather than standing on my own

how long that "short drive to town" feels under pressure

that the only thing louder than my heart beating in my ears is the sound of an O2/pulse meter drowning it out

how lonely it is at 4 am

how dark it is at 4 am

how often I used to check to see that he was sleeping and breathing well 

how easily I felt at peace before

how hard I will fight to keep that which is mine safe, happy and healthy

how much I can rely on - friends, family, faith and my own driven, intense commitment

how I have a purpose and how I can feel assured that I'm doing my best

how much I have been blessed

It only took a few hours for it all to come back. It may be years before I forget again 

Ghosts

Memories are much like ghosts. Some are welcome friendly reminders of people and places gone by in your life, full of soft touches and wistful perceptions of what you once had. Others are terrible; horrific haunting strokes of hells you've already lived. Some are body blows of reality that some things never change.

Some ghosts are invoked through entire circumstances, while others generate over an instant. Perhaps a voice, a phrase, or even a tone invoke these specters of the past. Scents are well known for evoking memories, with the faintest whiff acting as a rewind button for the brain.

Memories are often landmarks, milemarkers or signposts in a life. Retrospect can offer glimpses of arrows pointing to or against certain directions. Some of these are merely road signs- "college years" or "childhood town". Yet others are much more personal, with commentary easily understood years later: "day I chose to quit bad habit" or "could have prevented heartache/harm/death by acting rather than waiting".

There are some memories no one should have to re-record. Some things are wonderful enough that living through it again almost wrecks the original event. Some experiences are bad enough the first time around, that a second shot at them is nothing short of torture.

It's in reliving these types of moments that many people find their core- how do they handle the problem. Do they learn from it, use it as a base for their actions today. Do they wallow and repeat themselves, or do they act as if they'd never lived through it before- all possible with many more choices and actions as there are lives to live.

I've lived a particular experience more than a few times now. Each time, the memories associated with it come at me,and like a hand in poker, I fold rather than bluff or bet. (I'm not a good liar and I really don't like risk.)

Tuesday, the ghosts came to haunt me and I didn't blink. I bluffed and played my hand my way, winning the pot this time around rather than waiting to see what I got dealt in the next hand.

The ghosts-the signposts-the memories; they are all part of an experience I had already. I can have the experience dozens more times, but each time will be a chance to have a NEW experience- and to create new memories.

As much as I don't care to repeat Tuesday's experience ever again, I welcome the chance to help create some friendly ghosts.

Minions

I love to joke about being a terrible tyrant rather than a mother. It's big fun to tease the kids that they are merely minions here to serve me. I even give them titles and areas over which they are responsible.

TrashRemoverMan and LaundryLady live at my house and they live to serve me.

Mwahahahahahahha!

Another game update

I'm thinking that I may start a game blog, or change the focus of this one just a little. Still processing that thought. 

About the time my character Jak died, my gaming life took a very unusual turn. I had a LOT of opportunities very suddenly. I have a chance to play with a whole new group of people, without my kids or my husband; a chance to play with my husband (but no kids); and an option to run my OWN game.

I've always had a little bit of an inferiority complex when it comes to the gaming crowd and how I'm viewed. The Dude is well known and very respected in our circle, and many times I had the feeling that I was accepted by default.

Jak dying was sort of a wake up call to me. I had no less than four different conversations with people regarding my plans, my interests, my desire to keep playing, etc. Every person I talked to encouraged me to stay in the game and had really positive things to say about me as a player. It's kind of neat to know I don't stink.

It's The Dude's Birthday!

I have had the wonderful priveledge of being married to The Dude for a LONG time. I really, really enjoy him- a lot. He's funny, handsome, caring, honest, dedicated, passionate, witty, loyal, and a fabulous dad. He's my very best friend (girlfriend K, I hope you understand! You're wonderful in your own right!) and above all else, he makes me feel safe.

For me, feeling safe is more important than money, fame, power, faith, a nice car, being well read or any other "big compatibility concern" that other peolpe have. That warm, soft feeling I get when he talks to me, looks at me, holds me or just makes me LAUGH is more valuable than gold.

I cannot tell him in words how much he means to me. It just doesn't seem possible. I've been working very hard to show him in actions and attitude that what he is to me, what he means to me, and how much he gives me are appreciated.

He's better than great; excellent or fabulous. He's kind of my rock star.

(A moment to remember one of his favorite rock stars, Joey Ramone- who died 9 years ago today.)

Today, my rock star is a little older. To me, it's a cause for celebration. I get more time to be with the man I love.

Happy birthday, my darling man. It's your birthday, and you're THE DUDE!

Game Update

Jak, the character I have been playing for over 2 years, died Saturday.

I've seen a fair share of uncool, underhanded, or just downright jerky player character deaths throughout the years I've been gaming. I've seen personal grudges taken out on players, vindictiveness and humiliation transposed onto the fictional lives of my friends, relatives and even my own imagining.

Jak's death was none of those. It was a fair, clean kill. It was in some ways an object lesson- and I am ok with that. Jak died protecting the ones he loved most, defending those weaker than himself, and he died fighting. Jak had resisted the temptation to let his anger, frustration, discontent and fear take over for a very long time; but when the time came to fight- he did. I'm very content with how he died-it was fitting to how I've played him and how I envisioned him.

I am a little disoriented by his death. I had a lot of ideas for him, and I put a lot of work into fleshing him out. I put a lot of energy into the game overall, and I protected with a vigilance that's fairly rare for me. It was my place to breathe and relax through all the things life is throwing at me, and to have it suddenly gone is a little strange.

I had a few moments of panic- because the players in the game, the ST, the time and the place in many ways became my home. To have your home taken away unexpectedly, to have what you hoped & dreamed of removed- it's jarring and a little hard to swallow.

But it's a game. It's fun, a way to relax and escape. And now I get to come up with a new idea. I'm looking forward to playing a character that's a lot more like myself- because Jak was tough to play. Who knows what I'll do next, but I am looking forward to a new home.

Identity

///static///

tell me what you see
do you see perfection in me
to you, do I look complete?

///static///

I am
whatever you say I am

///static///

Try and find myself
Hardest thing I've ever done

///static///

Once you find yourself, how stuck are with what you get? I don't think they give refunds. So doing the best you can with what you've got is now the order of the day. I think I am pretty good at that.

It's Like Grace

So a very, very, very good thing happened to me pretty recently. This thing happened to me because I did something I am not terribly good at- I listened to my gut.

The Dude is the MASTER of listening to his gut, and knowing it is RIGHT. He's so rarely wrong that many times a big decision is made based on what "his gut says". Me, I second (and third, fourth etc) guess myself. I don't have a real strong instinct and when I do hear a "message", I don't RECOGNIZE it. I am not terribly good at listening to myself and my track record is abysmal at best.

I really do not want to get into the specifics of what happened exactly (for honest to gosh fear of jinxing myself, and after this last run of listening to myself, I am not about to spoil it) but it happened because I heard a message loud and clear. I not only listened, but I paid attention and did what the "directions" said to do.

I was explaining to the Dude how big it is, this thing that happened. I had not verbalized it to anyone how huge it was until I told him. But really, this thing was like grace coming right out of G-d's hands into my life. It's a chance to start over- a "do-over". And I really, really need one.

A good thing happened. I'm pretty excited. 

Been Thinking

Most of my non-existance lately has been due to fear. Fear that by acknowledging the [whatever- and boy is there a LOT of whatever], I would be giving it substance. That by nodding to the reality of the [verboten], I give it power.

Well, I just have to say, pretending it's not there doesn't work for crap. The STUFF is still real, and hits me all the harder for it.

As much as I reject the reality of my life (thank you Adam Savage!) for the past month or so, there has been a good amount of positive along with the -notsomuch-. I've discovered some VERY important things about myself and what I need to do. What I want to do has also come into the sun a little, and maybe I will be brave enough to put some energy into myself sometime in the next .....soon.

So, I've had some ups and some downs. I am in the middle of a very bumpy spot and hoping things get smoother soon. I have some hope for a brighter, smoother ride -- soon.

Not entirely dead

I've just been hiding. I've been thinking about a post but haven't fomulated all of it yet. Just- I'm not dead.

More birthday related

TallBoy turned 16 yesterday. Many jokes were made about the roads not being safe, and much ado was had over his immense tallness , and he had a wonderful day.

He's actually been driving on a permit for over a year now and is a very good driver. He hates the interstate with a passion and nearly begs me not to make him drive down it when we go somewhere.

He did indeed grow again and I am thinking of hiding the Cheez-Its because they are Proven(TM) to make him grow taller.

He went to game and actually got to do a few very cool things, and enjoyed being sung to by a large group of people. Our dear friend Squirl (who is VERY hard to say no to) convinced SweetPea to lead the Gang in the rousing chorus of "Happy Birthday".

Is it bad to admit I enjoyed watching her squirm, just a little?

It was a good day, though.

It was NOT freezing cold. It was not frostbite inducing. It was not so harsh it hurt to breathe. ALl of those conditions were present 16 eyars ago the day that darn PeskyBaby(TM) was born. He did grow into the TallBoy- all Knees, Neck & Elbows, and tall enough to get the rice down from on top of the cabinets.

It's an honor to be his mom. I love being part of his development. Sometimes I am shocked at how well he's turned out- he's a GOOD KID. I think I'll keep him for a little bit longer.

Go away 18, I am not ready yet.

Early Birthday!

I got some early birthday goodies from my friend the TinMan.

I have some new metal to paint! I got:

Widowmakers
Iron Fang Pikemen
Man-O-War Kovnik
Man-O-War Demo Corps
Devastator

Some have some paint already. I can live with most of it. Honestly, the Devastator will fit right in with my "Iron Man" theme for my Khadorian Army. I'll have to make some adjustments for the VERY silver heavy Pikemen and 'Makers.

As much as I griped that I really did not like (or want) the 'Makers, now that I have them in my hands, I am not sure I ever want to let them go. LOVE THE HATS! They're so... cold.

My entire list of figs now:

Vlad
Sorscha (BLEK BLEK BLEK BLEK! Can't stand her)

Devastator
Juggernaut
Destroyer

Assault Commandos
Doom Reavers
Man-O-War Shock Troopers
Man-O-War Demo Corps
Man-O-War Kovnik
Widowmakers
Iron Fang Pikemen
And Fluffy the War Dog

So now I have a good bit. I might actually be able to field an army if I ever decide to play... but I don't know about that yet.

And I am trying to keep to Khador, but I'm not really trying to PLAY. I am interesting in painting at this point. Why Red? I just like the way they RedMachine looks, and find it easy to paint. There's a lot of wide, open metal to put my brushes on, and that's just the way I like it until I get MUCH, MUCH better.

I'm ----- NO. GOOD. ---- at "fiddly bits".

Peace

I think I can say that this is the most hopeful, relaxed and happy I have felt in a very long time.

Is there anything more quiet...

Than an unquiet mind?

I have not done any paper crafting, card making, scrapbooking or other such related craft pretty much all year. For several years, this was where my heart was. I didn't need to write about anything- the act of picking the right color, texture, picture, lettering, the composition; all of it was my therapy. It was my place to unwind and put my thoughts, even if I didn't "verbalize" it with journaling- it was simply the act of creating that made me tick.

For the most part, anything I worked on this year was half-hearted at best, and lasted for about an hour-maybe two. I stopped having interest late last year (due to the layoff) and it just kept spreading. I kept making excuses and putting it off, and now it's the end of the year and I am still working 2 jobs and I don't have enough days off in a row and my life is in a holding pattern and ......

UGH.

I haven't painted minis for a while. I had them out a couple months back, and finished all but a couple of my guys (based & everything, woot!) but I can't bring myself to finish the last couple. This &**&^%% squad looks horrible, and I am sure that is part of the problem. I don't want to finish something I don't love. I keep making excuses and .....


UGH.

I haven't been writing (either here or in my personal space) because I just don't want to face the stuff I'm dealing with. My deal with myself is that I will be totally and completely honest- no lies, no excuses, no crud. I honestly don't have the emotional energy to not only stick it out and DO it, but also hold myself accountable and not make excuses and .....

UGH.

I've been dumping my thoughts back into games, and the characters I've been playing. I may not be able to continue one of my regular games due to work (for which I am grateful: thank you, Lord, for work) and I haven't been able to do what I am best at in the other. I've been exceptionally limited and I'm trying to find ways to break out of that. I've had this game on my mind a lot but it has not been productive and it's making me crazy. It's so frustrating there are times it isn't fun (because of things I am doing to myself) and I just want to quit or make excuses and .....

UGH

~It's just as I feared, I have come undone ~

It all comes down to how I handle it. I have to decide if I'll crumble under the pressure, or if I'll dust myself off and move on. I have to be "smarter than the equipment" and tougher than the adverse conditions. Life is full of change, and it's my turn to make it.

Now,

what project sounds fun? Maybe knitting.

Alphabet Street

JAK- he's been on my mind lately
WOD- been considering running a game (in my spare time) *HA*
SOA- great show
SOAD- screaming guitars and shouting Armenians at 1:30 am. Perfect wake up stuff
CTN, BAN, MDN, MSID, SD, RWC- work related and my head is about to explode

CIA, NSA, ... EIEIO (homage to Mouth Bandits. Can't remember it all, though it should be burned into my brain)

Breathe/Be Yourself Tonight

So this year, with all its difficulty, pressures, concerns and things that have stretched me beyond belief is almost over. I see some very happy changes coming ahead- I just have to get there.

I have been treading water; trying to keep my head above the incoming fray (and I've just about gone under a couple times) for the past few months. I've had some AWESOME friends come along side me and throw me a lifeline- and I've held on for dear life. I've been so grateful that I have had people to rely on, and I've been hopeful I won't HAVE to ask for help for long.

I see the light at the end of the tunnel- but getting to the end is going to be physically and emotionally hard. I know these next couple weeks are yet another test- of my character, my endurance, my faith and my family. I need to hold myself up and keep moving to the end- and the means will make sense on their own.

I am looking forward to a chance to be MYSELF soon- fatigue, stress and pain have hindered me greatly and I am very hopeful things will be as they should be once again.

It's Complicated

I have a place in my life that is really important to me. It's been crucial to my ability to keep my sanity throughout this year. It's a place where I feel comfortable, safe, relaxed, and like "me". I can open up, unwind, enjoy being unpressured or stressed, and move along with my life.

I hold this place very dear to me. It's "off limits" to other interruptions (including work) and I make every effort to treat it with respect.

I have done a lot of work to help this place grow. I've been aware that it in growing, it is changing, and I am trying to grow with it. I have been pretty excited about some of the changes, even when others involved were not so sure.

I know my hard work and willingness to stick it out when it got hard is part of why this place is so special. I know that I'm a big part of why this place is where it is now. I'm not the only one involved, and others are getting most, if not all, of the recognition for the improvements and changes.

They definitely deserve recognition. The parts they play are important to where this place is going and what's happening to it, and I recognize that. I'm not upset that they are getting their due.

I'm a little jealous, and a little hurt that my contributions are being overlooked. I'm feeling pushed out and less than respected, and it bothers me. Very recently, there was a talk about who had done what, and I wasn't mentioned once.

There was definitely a strong feeling of pettiness ("what about me"), but I swallowed it at the time. Expressing that would not have done anything to help or improve things, and I really believe in making it better above all else.

Do I really need the recognition, or do I need this place? Do I want to keep at it, or move past this and find a "new" safe haven? Am I strong enough to handle this disappointment or will I cave like I have in the past? Do I grow with this place, and find ways to help others involved through my efforts?

It bothers me that I care about what others think so much, and it drives me nuts that this is even an issue. Being who I want to be means rising above this "fluffy emo" stuff and taking pride in the work I've done, regardless of peer perception. I know I am not there yet, and it bugs me.

Life is full of changes (thanks, Julee!) and how you handle them shows a lot about who you are. These changes in both my safe place and myself are important, but scary. I'm aware of my struggle and I'm trying to open myself to being better than whining.

It's just really complicated.

Let me off this ride!

So, this year has been a challenge. I have had so many of my comfort zones widened, expanded, stretched or even outright demolished I have very little left that I feel "safe" in.

Layoff. Unemployment. Working every single shift (days, evenings, nights) at a part time job, all in the same week with no semblance of a "normal schedule". Interviews. Strange Interviews. Crazy Interviews. A few interviews, I thought I was being "Punk'd". A new job. A couple breaths. 10 to 14 hour days, on a regular basis. No set idea how or when I'd see my kids. Driving 100+ miles a DAY. Quitting. Part time job. Interviews, more interviews, and interviews again. This round seemed much more "normal" than round 1 at the beginning of the year. New job (again).

I hate this. It feels like a bad carnival ride, and I really want to get off. I want some of my comforts, the things I can depend on. But it seems as if it's up to me to be the dependable one, the one others rely on for strength and stability.

I used to be a really tough cookie, but grew over time into who I feel I am today- a loving, compassionate woman with a tender heart. And now, I get to be the fighter again.

I'm trying to balance the tough & strength with the caring concern, and I haven't figured out how. I'm trying to be what is needed and who I am is very hard to see right now. I am upside down and I don't like it.

I want off this ride.

But I know I'm getting stronger every day.

And that's a good thing, right?