It's Complicated

I have a place in my life that is really important to me. It's been crucial to my ability to keep my sanity throughout this year. It's a place where I feel comfortable, safe, relaxed, and like "me". I can open up, unwind, enjoy being unpressured or stressed, and move along with my life.

I hold this place very dear to me. It's "off limits" to other interruptions (including work) and I make every effort to treat it with respect.

I have done a lot of work to help this place grow. I've been aware that it in growing, it is changing, and I am trying to grow with it. I have been pretty excited about some of the changes, even when others involved were not so sure.

I know my hard work and willingness to stick it out when it got hard is part of why this place is so special. I know that I'm a big part of why this place is where it is now. I'm not the only one involved, and others are getting most, if not all, of the recognition for the improvements and changes.

They definitely deserve recognition. The parts they play are important to where this place is going and what's happening to it, and I recognize that. I'm not upset that they are getting their due.

I'm a little jealous, and a little hurt that my contributions are being overlooked. I'm feeling pushed out and less than respected, and it bothers me. Very recently, there was a talk about who had done what, and I wasn't mentioned once.

There was definitely a strong feeling of pettiness ("what about me"), but I swallowed it at the time. Expressing that would not have done anything to help or improve things, and I really believe in making it better above all else.

Do I really need the recognition, or do I need this place? Do I want to keep at it, or move past this and find a "new" safe haven? Am I strong enough to handle this disappointment or will I cave like I have in the past? Do I grow with this place, and find ways to help others involved through my efforts?

It bothers me that I care about what others think so much, and it drives me nuts that this is even an issue. Being who I want to be means rising above this "fluffy emo" stuff and taking pride in the work I've done, regardless of peer perception. I know I am not there yet, and it bugs me.

Life is full of changes (thanks, Julee!) and how you handle them shows a lot about who you are. These changes in both my safe place and myself are important, but scary. I'm aware of my struggle and I'm trying to open myself to being better than whining.

It's just really complicated.

Surprises

I did not know that I cared even a little how I performed in relation to others; I am not terribly competitive at all. Usually I care most about how I am doing vs myself. If I have set a goal and I am closer to it this time than the last time I set the same goal, then...tada, improvement. I am satisfied by doing my best, and by seeing other people happy through my work.

Then this career in insurance came about... and it is very competitive. Everything is a contest in some way at my office. I usually ignore it as it doesn't really motivate me in any way. I sit next to and across from the two "go getters" in my office and that is usually more than enough competitive thinking for me for a whole year.

Something funny happened recently. We're in the biggest sales contest of the year, and I was in the lead for the first 2 weeks. It was really a major surprise to discover how much I liked being FIRST on that list of agents. During this contest, I have been in the top three the whole time. It's kind of exciting.

I am in the last week and will need to pull something out of my rear to place any higher than third, but for me, third would be HUGE.

I want to win something. Who knew?

Being Challenged

I try really hard to avoid conflict or dealing with stuff that makes me upset. Usually, I make The Dude go scare whoever is making me cranky or I have someone run interference for me. Every now and then I threaten something crazy like refusing to make any more fudge and things get all better. But usually, I hide like a little girl and avoid, avoid, avoid.

Today, I acted like a "Big Girl" and dealt with a problem directly by myself.

I told someone that they were upsetting me.

I darn near puked the entire time I was talking to this person. I came close to crying and hyperventilating, too. I was so horribly nervous that this person would be mad and not like me anymore that I didn't want to tell them important stuff about how I felt.

I did it. And they didn't hate me. They actually listened and respected what I had to say.

I don't like this being challenged stuff. It's hard and makes me learn more new things about me.

Like, I have value.

Yeah, me.

You too.