Not entirely dead

I've just been hiding. I've been thinking about a post but haven't fomulated all of it yet. Just- I'm not dead.

Let me off this ride!

So, this year has been a challenge. I have had so many of my comfort zones widened, expanded, stretched or even outright demolished I have very little left that I feel "safe" in.

Layoff. Unemployment. Working every single shift (days, evenings, nights) at a part time job, all in the same week with no semblance of a "normal schedule". Interviews. Strange Interviews. Crazy Interviews. A few interviews, I thought I was being "Punk'd". A new job. A couple breaths. 10 to 14 hour days, on a regular basis. No set idea how or when I'd see my kids. Driving 100+ miles a DAY. Quitting. Part time job. Interviews, more interviews, and interviews again. This round seemed much more "normal" than round 1 at the beginning of the year. New job (again).

I hate this. It feels like a bad carnival ride, and I really want to get off. I want some of my comforts, the things I can depend on. But it seems as if it's up to me to be the dependable one, the one others rely on for strength and stability.

I used to be a really tough cookie, but grew over time into who I feel I am today- a loving, compassionate woman with a tender heart. And now, I get to be the fighter again.

I'm trying to balance the tough & strength with the caring concern, and I haven't figured out how. I'm trying to be what is needed and who I am is very hard to see right now. I am upside down and I don't like it.

I want off this ride.

But I know I'm getting stronger every day.

And that's a good thing, right?

Confessions from a Former Crunchy momma

I have a wonderful, but very activist, mom.

My kid life was spent working at various charities & organizations my mom believed very firmly in until I could not longer qualify as "free child labor" (mostly a joke). I have pictures of her car driving a mascot for one of her favorite groups through the 4th of July parade 4-5 years running. I worked behind the counter of the local vegetarian/alternative coffeehouse as a kid. I worked the Pepsi stand at carnivals for a group to raise money for its programs. I rolled spare change for our church UNICEF drive.

While we were not vegetarians, we lived close to it due to being very broke. I learned a lot about slow, whole, organic, local and "fair trade" food WAY before it was trendy. I helped my mom's friend load his wagon for the farmer's market on a regular basis in exchange for free range eggs. I know several (good) recipes for rice & beans. I have planted, weeded, pollinated and harvested a home garden.

I have 3 younger brothers and my mom nursed all of them (and me). She also cloth diapered, made home made baby food and scoured garage sales for baby items.

My mom was a fabulous seamstress. She took in mending, tailoring & alterations at times for extra money. She made her own clothes on a regular basis. She made MY clothes fairly often. My first dress was handmade by mom as a reward for learning to walk. My wedding dress was lovingly made and given as a present from my mother. She tried in vain to teach me the art of fabric, but I have hands that refused to cooperate. I never got the hang of it. (I'm wishing I had because I could sure use those skills now!)

I learned how to recycle, re-use and reduce everything. I knew from an early age that tin foil was like gold and had a million uses. I used jelly jars for glasses. Old things were made new again with the wave of my mom's hand, some duct tape, sewing or cussing.

I learned some self-sufficiency from her. Mom changed her own oil until I was about 12, and she made me learn how. I learned to change a tire. I learned to make my own bread. I learned how to pick the best vegetables & fruits at the market. I learned how to garage sale with the best of them. I learned that the library is one of the best riches on the planet.


These experiences lead the way for me to become a fairly "crunchy" momma.

I did the whole natural child birth, nursing & cloth diapering thing. I made my own baby food for a while until my kiddos ate table scraps. I bought nothing new. I scoured the thrift stores for all sort of things. Most of my furniture is garage sale, estate sale, hand-me-down, or side of the road finding. I shopped Aldi, around the "outside" of the store, at the farmer's market, clipped coupons, etc.

I didn't have a car for the first 6 months or so of my son's life, and then when I did have one, the Dude drove it to work and I stayed home. I took the bus to the grocery store, the laundromat, the library, the park, my in-laws and more.

There came a time when I just couldn't take scraping and saving and considering every choice any more. I needed convenience. I needed a break. I had 2 kids at home and the Dude was working 60+ hours a week. I had no car and no more patience. I started to buy "processed food". I bought something brand new. Something frivolous and wasteful, too.

Some of this had to do with ability- I was finally able to afford such things. Some of it had to do with interest in living the 'whole earth/green' lifestyle. I had none.

I don't want to change the world through activism, through chasing every penny and every scrap that comes into my home. I don't want to break down barriers, or right too many wrongs- at least not through protest and petitions.

I want to change the world through my awesome children, who are talented, fun, respectful and mostly well behaved. I want to change the world through being a fabulous wife in a loving and committed marriage. I want to change the world through kindness and compassion to the many young men in my circle of friends. Through taco nights, birthday cakes, cookies, Halo parties, fudge and friendship. I want to change the world by being the best example of love and generosity I know how- to my friends, my family and to the immediate world around me. I know it's not a "big plan". I know it won't reach people in China, or make those in Washington reconsider. But it's what I am willing, able and gifted to do.

There are days when I wonder if I am not living up to my mother's hopes and dreams for my life. I wonder if she didn't hope I'd be some big shot lawyer crusading for the "common good". (I still think about becoming a lawyer, but I'm not sure I have the dedication for 10 years of school at this point.) I wonder if I'm being selfish, wasteful and inconsiderate. I wonder if I'm taking the easy way out. Sometimes that idea really bothers me and hurts my heart.

I don't have all the answers and I don't know if there *is* an answer to this and many other problems. But I know I'm doing the best I can, with what I've been given-

and some new stuff I bought at the store.