Identity

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tell me what you see
do you see perfection in me
to you, do I look complete?

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I am
whatever you say I am

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Try and find myself
Hardest thing I've ever done

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Once you find yourself, how stuck are with what you get? I don't think they give refunds. So doing the best you can with what you've got is now the order of the day. I think I am pretty good at that.

It's Like Grace

So a very, very, very good thing happened to me pretty recently. This thing happened to me because I did something I am not terribly good at- I listened to my gut.

The Dude is the MASTER of listening to his gut, and knowing it is RIGHT. He's so rarely wrong that many times a big decision is made based on what "his gut says". Me, I second (and third, fourth etc) guess myself. I don't have a real strong instinct and when I do hear a "message", I don't RECOGNIZE it. I am not terribly good at listening to myself and my track record is abysmal at best.

I really do not want to get into the specifics of what happened exactly (for honest to gosh fear of jinxing myself, and after this last run of listening to myself, I am not about to spoil it) but it happened because I heard a message loud and clear. I not only listened, but I paid attention and did what the "directions" said to do.

I was explaining to the Dude how big it is, this thing that happened. I had not verbalized it to anyone how huge it was until I told him. But really, this thing was like grace coming right out of G-d's hands into my life. It's a chance to start over- a "do-over". And I really, really need one.

A good thing happened. I'm pretty excited. 

Been Thinking

Most of my non-existance lately has been due to fear. Fear that by acknowledging the [whatever- and boy is there a LOT of whatever], I would be giving it substance. That by nodding to the reality of the [verboten], I give it power.

Well, I just have to say, pretending it's not there doesn't work for crap. The STUFF is still real, and hits me all the harder for it.

As much as I reject the reality of my life (thank you Adam Savage!) for the past month or so, there has been a good amount of positive along with the -notsomuch-. I've discovered some VERY important things about myself and what I need to do. What I want to do has also come into the sun a little, and maybe I will be brave enough to put some energy into myself sometime in the next .....soon.

So, I've had some ups and some downs. I am in the middle of a very bumpy spot and hoping things get smoother soon. I have some hope for a brighter, smoother ride -- soon.

Not entirely dead

I've just been hiding. I've been thinking about a post but haven't fomulated all of it yet. Just- I'm not dead.

More birthday related

TallBoy turned 16 yesterday. Many jokes were made about the roads not being safe, and much ado was had over his immense tallness , and he had a wonderful day.

He's actually been driving on a permit for over a year now and is a very good driver. He hates the interstate with a passion and nearly begs me not to make him drive down it when we go somewhere.

He did indeed grow again and I am thinking of hiding the Cheez-Its because they are Proven(TM) to make him grow taller.

He went to game and actually got to do a few very cool things, and enjoyed being sung to by a large group of people. Our dear friend Squirl (who is VERY hard to say no to) convinced SweetPea to lead the Gang in the rousing chorus of "Happy Birthday".

Is it bad to admit I enjoyed watching her squirm, just a little?

It was a good day, though.

It was NOT freezing cold. It was not frostbite inducing. It was not so harsh it hurt to breathe. ALl of those conditions were present 16 eyars ago the day that darn PeskyBaby(TM) was born. He did grow into the TallBoy- all Knees, Neck & Elbows, and tall enough to get the rice down from on top of the cabinets.

It's an honor to be his mom. I love being part of his development. Sometimes I am shocked at how well he's turned out- he's a GOOD KID. I think I'll keep him for a little bit longer.

Go away 18, I am not ready yet.

Early Birthday!

I got some early birthday goodies from my friend the TinMan.

I have some new metal to paint! I got:

Widowmakers
Iron Fang Pikemen
Man-O-War Kovnik
Man-O-War Demo Corps
Devastator

Some have some paint already. I can live with most of it. Honestly, the Devastator will fit right in with my "Iron Man" theme for my Khadorian Army. I'll have to make some adjustments for the VERY silver heavy Pikemen and 'Makers.

As much as I griped that I really did not like (or want) the 'Makers, now that I have them in my hands, I am not sure I ever want to let them go. LOVE THE HATS! They're so... cold.

My entire list of figs now:

Vlad
Sorscha (BLEK BLEK BLEK BLEK! Can't stand her)

Devastator
Juggernaut
Destroyer

Assault Commandos
Doom Reavers
Man-O-War Shock Troopers
Man-O-War Demo Corps
Man-O-War Kovnik
Widowmakers
Iron Fang Pikemen
And Fluffy the War Dog

So now I have a good bit. I might actually be able to field an army if I ever decide to play... but I don't know about that yet.

And I am trying to keep to Khador, but I'm not really trying to PLAY. I am interesting in painting at this point. Why Red? I just like the way they RedMachine looks, and find it easy to paint. There's a lot of wide, open metal to put my brushes on, and that's just the way I like it until I get MUCH, MUCH better.

I'm ----- NO. GOOD. ---- at "fiddly bits".

Peace

I think I can say that this is the most hopeful, relaxed and happy I have felt in a very long time.

Is there anything more quiet...

Than an unquiet mind?

I have not done any paper crafting, card making, scrapbooking or other such related craft pretty much all year. For several years, this was where my heart was. I didn't need to write about anything- the act of picking the right color, texture, picture, lettering, the composition; all of it was my therapy. It was my place to unwind and put my thoughts, even if I didn't "verbalize" it with journaling- it was simply the act of creating that made me tick.

For the most part, anything I worked on this year was half-hearted at best, and lasted for about an hour-maybe two. I stopped having interest late last year (due to the layoff) and it just kept spreading. I kept making excuses and putting it off, and now it's the end of the year and I am still working 2 jobs and I don't have enough days off in a row and my life is in a holding pattern and ......

UGH.

I haven't painted minis for a while. I had them out a couple months back, and finished all but a couple of my guys (based & everything, woot!) but I can't bring myself to finish the last couple. This &**&^%% squad looks horrible, and I am sure that is part of the problem. I don't want to finish something I don't love. I keep making excuses and .....


UGH.

I haven't been writing (either here or in my personal space) because I just don't want to face the stuff I'm dealing with. My deal with myself is that I will be totally and completely honest- no lies, no excuses, no crud. I honestly don't have the emotional energy to not only stick it out and DO it, but also hold myself accountable and not make excuses and .....

UGH.

I've been dumping my thoughts back into games, and the characters I've been playing. I may not be able to continue one of my regular games due to work (for which I am grateful: thank you, Lord, for work) and I haven't been able to do what I am best at in the other. I've been exceptionally limited and I'm trying to find ways to break out of that. I've had this game on my mind a lot but it has not been productive and it's making me crazy. It's so frustrating there are times it isn't fun (because of things I am doing to myself) and I just want to quit or make excuses and .....

UGH

~It's just as I feared, I have come undone ~

It all comes down to how I handle it. I have to decide if I'll crumble under the pressure, or if I'll dust myself off and move on. I have to be "smarter than the equipment" and tougher than the adverse conditions. Life is full of change, and it's my turn to make it.

Now,

what project sounds fun? Maybe knitting.

Alphabet Street

JAK- he's been on my mind lately
WOD- been considering running a game (in my spare time) *HA*
SOA- great show
SOAD- screaming guitars and shouting Armenians at 1:30 am. Perfect wake up stuff
CTN, BAN, MDN, MSID, SD, RWC- work related and my head is about to explode

CIA, NSA, ... EIEIO (homage to Mouth Bandits. Can't remember it all, though it should be burned into my brain)

Breathe/Be Yourself Tonight

So this year, with all its difficulty, pressures, concerns and things that have stretched me beyond belief is almost over. I see some very happy changes coming ahead- I just have to get there.

I have been treading water; trying to keep my head above the incoming fray (and I've just about gone under a couple times) for the past few months. I've had some AWESOME friends come along side me and throw me a lifeline- and I've held on for dear life. I've been so grateful that I have had people to rely on, and I've been hopeful I won't HAVE to ask for help for long.

I see the light at the end of the tunnel- but getting to the end is going to be physically and emotionally hard. I know these next couple weeks are yet another test- of my character, my endurance, my faith and my family. I need to hold myself up and keep moving to the end- and the means will make sense on their own.

I am looking forward to a chance to be MYSELF soon- fatigue, stress and pain have hindered me greatly and I am very hopeful things will be as they should be once again.

It's Complicated

I have a place in my life that is really important to me. It's been crucial to my ability to keep my sanity throughout this year. It's a place where I feel comfortable, safe, relaxed, and like "me". I can open up, unwind, enjoy being unpressured or stressed, and move along with my life.

I hold this place very dear to me. It's "off limits" to other interruptions (including work) and I make every effort to treat it with respect.

I have done a lot of work to help this place grow. I've been aware that it in growing, it is changing, and I am trying to grow with it. I have been pretty excited about some of the changes, even when others involved were not so sure.

I know my hard work and willingness to stick it out when it got hard is part of why this place is so special. I know that I'm a big part of why this place is where it is now. I'm not the only one involved, and others are getting most, if not all, of the recognition for the improvements and changes.

They definitely deserve recognition. The parts they play are important to where this place is going and what's happening to it, and I recognize that. I'm not upset that they are getting their due.

I'm a little jealous, and a little hurt that my contributions are being overlooked. I'm feeling pushed out and less than respected, and it bothers me. Very recently, there was a talk about who had done what, and I wasn't mentioned once.

There was definitely a strong feeling of pettiness ("what about me"), but I swallowed it at the time. Expressing that would not have done anything to help or improve things, and I really believe in making it better above all else.

Do I really need the recognition, or do I need this place? Do I want to keep at it, or move past this and find a "new" safe haven? Am I strong enough to handle this disappointment or will I cave like I have in the past? Do I grow with this place, and find ways to help others involved through my efforts?

It bothers me that I care about what others think so much, and it drives me nuts that this is even an issue. Being who I want to be means rising above this "fluffy emo" stuff and taking pride in the work I've done, regardless of peer perception. I know I am not there yet, and it bugs me.

Life is full of changes (thanks, Julee!) and how you handle them shows a lot about who you are. These changes in both my safe place and myself are important, but scary. I'm aware of my struggle and I'm trying to open myself to being better than whining.

It's just really complicated.

Let me off this ride!

So, this year has been a challenge. I have had so many of my comfort zones widened, expanded, stretched or even outright demolished I have very little left that I feel "safe" in.

Layoff. Unemployment. Working every single shift (days, evenings, nights) at a part time job, all in the same week with no semblance of a "normal schedule". Interviews. Strange Interviews. Crazy Interviews. A few interviews, I thought I was being "Punk'd". A new job. A couple breaths. 10 to 14 hour days, on a regular basis. No set idea how or when I'd see my kids. Driving 100+ miles a DAY. Quitting. Part time job. Interviews, more interviews, and interviews again. This round seemed much more "normal" than round 1 at the beginning of the year. New job (again).

I hate this. It feels like a bad carnival ride, and I really want to get off. I want some of my comforts, the things I can depend on. But it seems as if it's up to me to be the dependable one, the one others rely on for strength and stability.

I used to be a really tough cookie, but grew over time into who I feel I am today- a loving, compassionate woman with a tender heart. And now, I get to be the fighter again.

I'm trying to balance the tough & strength with the caring concern, and I haven't figured out how. I'm trying to be what is needed and who I am is very hard to see right now. I am upside down and I don't like it.

I want off this ride.

But I know I'm getting stronger every day.

And that's a good thing, right?

Twang

My heartstrings have been plucked quite mightily, by fate, time, frivolity and reality. I faced this the other day- a magical person who had once been a tiny terror (but still terrific), a mini monarch; a toddler tyrant. Now, this person is more than magical- majestic, tremendous, exhilarating and WAY TOO BIG!




TallBoy pronounced that she looked like a "Wampire" (whiny vampire) and thus needed to be "twanged" with arrows (through the heart, of course) to re-deadify her. He proceeded to walk around proclaiming "twang" at her all evening, with much giggling and sighing, depending on her mood.

Twang, indeed.

Crud

It's been going around. I am trying to avoid it. I don't think I am fast enough.

All Kidding Aside

I don't have kids anymore, I have teenagers!

My lovely girl turns 13 today. I am so tremendously proud of everything she is, all that she wants to be, and every possibility she entertains for herself. She is a fun, cool, silly, wacky, wonderful, ever-changing and always challenging person.

I adore my beautiful girl and hope that she gets everything she wants, needs and deserves- today, tomorrow and always.

I'm a big blue weirdo

I'm doing laundry!

Yay.

So NOT ready

SweetPea is 13 Friday. EEP.

Stretchy

Yesterday I had the opportunity to spend the day with my dad on a road trip. I brought my wonderful SweetPea along for some quality "Poppa" time. We drove about 2 hours north of where he lives (very close to his hometowm) and spent the day watching a small start up wrestling federation at a local mall. They were putting on a free show to expand interest in their little group and get some fans.

FULL DISCLOSURE:

I love professional wrestling. LOVE IT. This is a gushy "marked-out" post and I will not apologize.

Back to the action:

My dad's got a good friend in his life that had been heavily involved in this promotion until about 2 months ago. She came along with on this trip. She knows the owners, the bookers, the gorilla, some of the talent, etc. We got their early and got GREAT seats, and she chatted with the various VIPS for a bit. It was kind of neat to watch her in her element.

The show starts out with some of the brand new talent- and some of them are pretty good, while one was HILARIOUSLY bad. I laughed at a lot of the blown spots but really enjoyed it. There were two exceptionally high points I just have to share:

One- they had this cute kid going by the name of "Juice Robinson" wrestling. SweetPea & I often discuss "hot guys" with each other and have a good time pointing them out when we see them. Juice came out and her exact words were:

"WOW!"
She then proceeded to turn as pink as her shirt.



yeah, wow.

The next moment (or set of them, really) was a young guy named GT Vega. He was a fan favorite and VERY talented. SweetPea let out a squeal/squeek noise when she saw him, and when he got up on the turnbuckle, she was pointing and fanning herself at the same time. She was a pretty dang funny sight. (I was on the aisle seat, one row away from the stairs. I got some GREAT pictures.) Vega entering the ring :



Not bad!



Vega on the ropes- oh, yum!

And the best- My dad's friend went and talked to the back stage manager (the gorilla) and asked if Vega would come out and sign an autograph for SweetPea- but it was all hush hush and SweetPea had NO IDEA it was happening until the manager tapped her on the shoulder and told her to come with him for a minute. He was taking her backstage!

SweetPea just about cried she was so excited- and I asked if I could take a quick picture. By then, Vega had come out and signed and posed- just for SweetPea. She was SO excited, she could hardly contain herself. She was just a little self conscious, but happy as can be. Here she is with Vega-



She then attacked our friend with the world's greatest hug:



I love that my kids have so many people that love them in their lives. I love that my family keeps expanding and that we're a lot like the spandex the wrestlers wore yesterday- stretchy enough to wrap around a lot, but strong enough to hold it tight.

Busted!

So the creep that started all the fires here in our little town has been arrested. He's a member of a family that is just a little known around here and when I heard who it was, I was not surprised. Sad, though. He apparently was on a wide variety of drugs & then had a bottle or 2 of something also at the time. I had a pointed conversation with my kids about these facts, as the guy is 17. I know my kids a little better than that, but if nothing else, he can serve as a horrible warning.

My washer broke last week. This is ultimate sadness as there is no laundromat anywhere near our little town and lugging laundry to my mother-in-law's home is a HUGE pain in my rear.

This week is Homecoming week at our little school and of course that means SpiritWeek. Today was "Dress Like a Hobo" day. TallBoy decided to dress like our friend Tom's character from the World of Darkness game we play. Tom's character is a "little touched" as they say; and often does nonsensical things. One of his most famous "bits" is carrying a non-functional lightbulb because it "illuminates" things. Here's TallBoy as "Coyote Joe":



One of my turn signal lights is out and now my car makes that annoying superfast click noise when I signal. I need a bulb, and it needs to function.

Fire Bad

Many apologies to Camp Chaos...

My little town was hit by a string of arsons last night. From what I've heard, they were all further south of me and they were all focused on cars or garages.

I'd always assumed fire would be the last of my worries out here. I live directly across from the pump house, there's a hydrant across the street from me, and the south station is literally less than 100 feet from my house.

I guess that only helps if the firemen are only fighting YOUR fire and not 6 different ones. At 2 in the morning. The fires went on until almost 6 am. The arsonists went through yards, hitting new targets just as the fire crews were cleaning up from one place, so they were literally rolling from one fire to the next.

Our little volunteer corps deserves a great many thanks, as do all the coops that came to help prevent the fires from spreading further.

I hope they, and our town get some sleep tonight. We're a little jumpy.