All Kidding Aside

I don't have kids anymore, I have teenagers!

My lovely girl turns 13 today. I am so tremendously proud of everything she is, all that she wants to be, and every possibility she entertains for herself. She is a fun, cool, silly, wacky, wonderful, ever-changing and always challenging person.

I adore my beautiful girl and hope that she gets everything she wants, needs and deserves- today, tomorrow and always.

So NOT ready

SweetPea is 13 Friday. EEP.

Not Too Shabby Herself

(This post was written Saturday...)

Today was our little town's Fall Festival type thing. There's a car show (in my front yard, and those dang car guys do NOT care on whit that it is rude to rev an engine early in the am!), vendors, food, games, contests, etc.

SweetPea is a true star in the making. She wants to sing, dance, write, create, design clothes- if it is creative and "over the top", she wants to do it- and do it WELL. She is completely comfortable as a performer and cannot WAIT to get solos and be 'famous'. I am always listening to her practice, and always impressed with her intensity.

She entered the KrazyKostume Kontest and the Talent Show. She was completely at ease in front of the whole town- even parading around with flair and abandon in her getup. She sang Green Day's Viva La Gloria during the talent show and was totally comfortable with the modern day punk ballad.

I listened from my spot down the street, waiting to see how she did. A little later I saw her "sneaking" down the street with SOMETHING sort of hidden behind her. I giggled at her enthusiasm and desire to surprise me, so I pretended not to see.

She got a big fat trophy! She won 2nd place. She's a total rock star in the making... and I know her now, when she is sweet, and funny, and tender, and wacky and totally HER.

Here's a few pictures- she was in a fashion show a couple weeks ago, and then her costume and her trophy.

The Fashionista!



her wacky costume!



the trophy! It's SHINY!!!!!


Look at that beautiful girl! I am so proud of her- because she's doing what she loves and she has no fear. Wahoo!

Getting Back to "Me"

As a rule, I am a pretty laid back, mellow person. I do what needs to be done, I make lists, move on, and face the next day with a smile as much as I can.

Since the layoff, all of my fears have started to take over my normal way of thinking. They have started to creep into my head on a daily basis, and my regular self has morphed into someone I really do not like. Anxious, cranky, irritable, short-tempered, a little paranoid, disinterested in just about anything, disorganized, unable to complete projects- just a wreck. I really don't like this person I was turning into and the worst part was I felt trapped and couldn't find a way out.

This week, the grocery store job didn't have a lot of hours because of the University's spring break (the store is on campus so it is directly affected by student mass exodus). I didn't have any scheduled interviews or places to be.

So Monday, I slept in. I read a book. I hung out with The Dude. I cooked a real meal- actual dinner. I watched a few TV shows with the kids. I played with Cash. I was totally mentally lazy and did nothing but relax. Tuesday I applied for some jobs, but I did it all in about an hour.(I have gotten very good at it- it's a ninja skill!) Then, I helped a friend with his resume and got ideas on how to help him find a job he would like and be happy with. After this was done, I helped run him around to a few places (I have a car and his needs repairs) and then went home. I cooked dinner again. I hung out with the kids. I played with Cash. I read another book. Wednesday I did some chores around the house. I broke out my PaperCrafts magazine for ideas. I read a book. I hung out with the Dude when he got home from work. I made dinner. I've been helping my girlfriend get out of her own rut and possibly consider dating and I texted with her about cute guys for a while. Then I went into town and played in a new game- and had a BLAST. Yesterday I hung out at home for a while. I made the kids' dinner in advance and left them directions on the stove so they would have a real home-cooked dinner last night. I did work at the grocery store for a while, but it was slow and they sent me home early. I came home, hugged the kids, and watched a few episodes of Supernatural with TallBoy before bed.

Today is my "work day"- I am helping a dear friend clean his apartment before he moves away to HappilyEverAfter(TM) with his bride-to-be in Georgia. I'm scheduled to call back about an interview I had last week. I've got an appointment with a friend to talk about random (but important) stuff. I'm planning on making dinner.

All of this has really helped me find the "real me" again- and I feel more like my normal self. I'm starting to have interests in my hobbies again- I actually want to scrapbook again. It's been a gradual process- like pulling back the curtains and the light falling on the "old me"- but I like it. A lot.

My life isn't perfect and I want to be working at a full time job again soon, but I like my life right now. I have a lot of flexibility and I can work on projects, apply for jobs, or even take a nap if I want to, and I am still ok.

Being OK is good enough for me for now. It's actually kind of nice.

Special Days

My SweetPea was recently discussing her favorite day. She loves Friday. She is all about the weekend and how much freedom Friday represents. She's always excited about Friday and looks forward to it all week.

Of course she wanted to know what MY favorite day of the week was. For many years, it has been Wednesday. I know lots of people that don't like it, but I do. I met the Dude on a Wednesday. For years, Wednesday was when I hung out with my friends (including the Dude) at gaming, at youth group, or just around town. I always looked forward to Wednesday.

But I've come to realize that my favorite day is changing. I think it's Tuesday now.

It's American Idol night. I dedicate that hour (or two) to spending time with my SweetPea, hanging out with her, watching singers, discussing our favorites, and generally enjoying each other. I learn more about her in that small window of time when we are on the couch eating "snacky food" and furiously writing down names & call-in numbers than I do all week.

For me, that's the best time in the world. I love having a chance to show my darling girl how important she is to me (enough that I have blocked off Tuesday night availability from any job application) and that we do have something in common.

She's been SweetPea for years- since she was teeny tiny. Within the past couple years, AT&T has started showing a commercial with that "SweetPea, apple of my eye" song showing a traveling Daddy and his little girl. Well, let me tell you, we had some tears at our house over it. The Dude is gone on Tuesday night at our store, and our SweetPea MISSES her daddy. That commercial would come on, and she would call him just to say hi. She knows that the Dude is home on Mondays (for the most part) and has taken to giving him extra hugs & kisses to last until Tuesday.

I love Tuesday and all the fun I have with her.

It's "quiet"...

Actually, the TV is on and I think it is Spongebob. TallBoy was just in the dining room, jumping- because he wanted to try to touch the ceiling. He's got Disturbed going on his stereo loud enough that I can hear it over the TV.

These noises assure me my kids are alive & well, enjoying their interests. I love the loudness of it- it becomes a kind of background noise for me. I love the "quiet" of a busy house with teenagers (TallBoy almost always has Fin or another friend over) and an-almost teen to-ing and fro-ing.

TV is off now. SweetPea is now in her room, with her iPod going- and she's singing along. I'm now hearing Joan Jett and Megadeth at the same time....

Only at my house is that quiet.

fall, drive to work

It's fall, so I thought I would share some of the beauty of central (flat) Illinois. I see this stuff on my way to work nearly every day. Some of it is MUCH prettier in the spring, some in the summer, and some in the fall. Almost nothing is really gorgeous in the winter except our little river when there is snow on the trees and the water is filming over. THAT is downright breathtaking.

I've got some corn, some general "out the window" scenery, and a few pictures of the sky as morning is breaking.

Our corn is *really * ready to come down. I know that the area farmers are trying to get their crops down and into the silos as quick as they can- these crops are precious to them. We heard about frost a couple counties over and the elevator across from my house was BOOMING the next day.

The light in the early morning is just beautiful. I love how it is breaking through the clouds here, illuminating little pieces of the world with brilliance.

Just the sunrise being inspiring, thrilling and spectacular. Love it. I see it every day and I am never unmoved.

A pretty grove along the side of the road on my way home.

This last one is an overpass that is being rebuilt. It was evaluated after the bridge collapse in Minnesota and deemed undriveable. The DOT came in about a month ago and started working. The work has been amazingly quick! They literally put warnings that the bridge would be out on a Monday and by the following Friday the bridge was GONE. Just this past week there was NO bridge at all- they were still working on the supports and pilings. I took this picture on Friday, and as you can tell, there is the beginnings of a bridge there now. They want it ready to drive on before November. Amazing what engineering and American workers can do.

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SweetPea and I went to a welcome wienie roast that our church held. (We have really only been going to this church for about 3 months.) It was at a small farm outside of another rural town nearby. The owner of the property raises beef cattle- and I have some pictures. He let SweetPea and a couple other kids go in the enclosure and FEED the cattle- SweetPea *loved* it. I'm fairly urban, so this was kind of new to me. The farm owner was very generous with his time and explained all about how he runs his cattle business (up to and including butchering). It was really kind of neat, and I really got to learn something totally new.

Here are some of his cattle, and their BEAUTIFUL calves can be seen in the left corner. They were SO pretty! I wanted to take one home, haha.

He also had a hay ride set up for the kids. Of course SweetPea wanted to go. Her friend "S" went with her and they had a blast. SweetPea practiced her "RockStar" look, and then posed nicely.

Of course, some of the parents wanted to ride too. It looked like everyone had a fun time.

It had been a LONG time since I had been to an old fashioned wienie roast. When I was young, my mom used to be friends with a guy that ran a Christmas tree farm. He used to do bonfires and haunted walks and cookouts all the time and we always went. It was really fun, we had a lot of room to run, and we ate until we nearly puked. We'd fall asleep on the way home in the car, and I'd wake up smelling all "woodsy" from the smoke. I really enjoyed myself today, and it brought back some truly wonderful memories.

Bleacher Butt

I am officially a SportsMom.

I have a SweetPea in Basketball (just got out of Softball, formerly played soccer) and TallBoy plays Basketball when it rolls around.

I travel all over G-d's creation, putting unknown amounts of miles on my car, watching my kids play. I know ALL the names of my kids' teammates. I cheer (LOUDLY). I clap, cajole, complain and make interesting comments about refs. I eat hot dogs for dinner more often than I really like. I pay overinflated prices for water & Snickers.

I love every minute. Watching my kids smile, laugh, play hard, be good sports, work hard to be on a team, cheering on their friends and moving outside their comfort zone is immensely rewarding.

I've met other SportsParents and gotten to know a lot of them much better. I have learned a lot about sports I have no interest in, and gotten a very sore backside.

I have also gotten lost many many times. I am fairly inept at going anywhere I have not been before, and am TERRIBLE with directions. More than once I have downloaded the Navigation tool on my cell phone to find the little town we are supposed to play in next. More than once I have called another parent, completely and utterly lost. Of course they try to help- but the conversation usually goes like this:

Them: "Where are you?"
Me: "I don't know!"
Them: "What do you see around you?"
Me: "Corn. A Barn. Some more corn."
Them: [BIG SIGH] "Is there a crossroad anywhere near you?"
Me: "Yes, but it's turned around. Someone hit it. I can't tell what road I'm on."

And so on.

I have started following another mom to the games, and that has helped. I have gained some independence through sports (I am usually not allowed to go anywhere new alone. I usually end up lost, see above.). I now know where every Casey's within 30 miles of my home is, as well as any little eateries.

I know which towns have way too many girls (there are 2 towns with more than 20 girls on their basketball teams in our league) and the towns with not very many at all (1 town cancelled basketball this year due to not enough girls). I know which towns have good concessions and plan accordingly. I know which towns have nice bathrooms and which I want to stop at Casey's FIRST.

Our girls won their first game 15-12 today and I have bleacher butt. I am a SportsMom.

Introducing "Them"

I thought I would share some pictures of my TallBoy and SweetPea, since they are featured here very frequently.

I haven't posted a lot lately. I have been scrapbooking (5 whole pages done, WOOT), painting my freshly donated Khador Kommandos (thanks, Squirl!), baking peach cobbler (I'll post about that shortly), watching Olympics, sending my kids to their first day of high school and jr high (oldest & youngest), and sorting 10-20K of Magic cards (amount, not value).

I have been BUSY! I hope to have some time to talk about my newest gaming finds and some other cool stuff in my universe soon.

And SweetPea Too

My SweetPea is almost 12. She is short for her age, a little stringy, and still has a lot of soft spots.

She has started to develop just a little, but has not started her big growth spurt yet. She's built like the Dude's side of the family with long legs and narrow hips, but not a lot of chest. (Yet.)

She's a very different kid than her brother TallBoy. She's more of a 'middle of the pack' kind of girl. She doesn't lead, and she's not a BLIND follower, but you won't see her making waves. She's not always confident with herself, but is willing to try new things. She has a lot of friends, for the most part. For now.

She will enter 6th grade tomorrow.

When she was little, she was fearless. We chased her from danger, mischief and trouble incessantly. She danced and swam (or tried) before she could walk. She chased cars, ate dirt, and plunged into life with zeal.

She came to me yesterday and sat in my lap (which is big enough for my kids but rarely used due to their reluctance) and told me that she is scared. She told me that she "wants to be good at this" and HOPES she will be "good at this". But she's scared.

I want, more than anything, to swoop her up and smell her soft, tender sweet self and tell her it'll be ok, and that Mom will make it better. I want to hold my beautiful balance baby (she's a Libra in EVERY sense) and make all the fear, unknown and weirdness go away. But, I can't.

I have to teach her how to be a "big tough girl", how to negotiate bad teachers, mean girls, PE, boys, sports, how to balance time management and how to do it all while keeping herself HERSELF. AND I have to try to teach her all of this the way SHE learns, with HER heart in mind.

She is in many ways drastically and dramatically DIFFERENT than I was at her age.

She CARES about what other people think of her. She WANTS people to like her. She does not want to be in trouble, cause a fuss or not be 'popular'. I have no idea how to counsel this different-from-me child, but I bravely soldier on and do my best- because I cannot fail her.

I cannot ever -EVER- let her feel that I do not support or love her. I cannot let her think I don't understand her. I cannot let her feel 'outside' or 'unusual'. I have to equip her to be herself, strong, confident and capable, all while doing it from an alien landscape.

I think this year will be a good year for her. She's going to be on her own (TallBoy will be at another school) and she will have to learn to do things for herself, and be out of his shadow. She's very close friends with a girl who is physically different (cleft palate) and may very well face the choice of being a true friend or going with the crowd. She'll have to manage new schedules and teachers and all those things Jr High brings. I think she will develop- a lot. (Mentally AND physically. I see signs of a growth spurt coming on soon.) I think changes are going to happen and we will have to face them, and I will have to help explain them and how to deal with them- in her language.

My SweetPea is a Junior High Schooler. EEK!