Is there anything more quiet...

Than an unquiet mind?

I have not done any paper crafting, card making, scrapbooking or other such related craft pretty much all year. For several years, this was where my heart was. I didn't need to write about anything- the act of picking the right color, texture, picture, lettering, the composition; all of it was my therapy. It was my place to unwind and put my thoughts, even if I didn't "verbalize" it with journaling- it was simply the act of creating that made me tick.

For the most part, anything I worked on this year was half-hearted at best, and lasted for about an hour-maybe two. I stopped having interest late last year (due to the layoff) and it just kept spreading. I kept making excuses and putting it off, and now it's the end of the year and I am still working 2 jobs and I don't have enough days off in a row and my life is in a holding pattern and ......

UGH.

I haven't painted minis for a while. I had them out a couple months back, and finished all but a couple of my guys (based & everything, woot!) but I can't bring myself to finish the last couple. This &**&^%% squad looks horrible, and I am sure that is part of the problem. I don't want to finish something I don't love. I keep making excuses and .....


UGH.

I haven't been writing (either here or in my personal space) because I just don't want to face the stuff I'm dealing with. My deal with myself is that I will be totally and completely honest- no lies, no excuses, no crud. I honestly don't have the emotional energy to not only stick it out and DO it, but also hold myself accountable and not make excuses and .....

UGH.

I've been dumping my thoughts back into games, and the characters I've been playing. I may not be able to continue one of my regular games due to work (for which I am grateful: thank you, Lord, for work) and I haven't been able to do what I am best at in the other. I've been exceptionally limited and I'm trying to find ways to break out of that. I've had this game on my mind a lot but it has not been productive and it's making me crazy. It's so frustrating there are times it isn't fun (because of things I am doing to myself) and I just want to quit or make excuses and .....

UGH

~It's just as I feared, I have come undone ~

It all comes down to how I handle it. I have to decide if I'll crumble under the pressure, or if I'll dust myself off and move on. I have to be "smarter than the equipment" and tougher than the adverse conditions. Life is full of change, and it's my turn to make it.

Now,

what project sounds fun? Maybe knitting.

Alphabet Street

JAK- he's been on my mind lately
WOD- been considering running a game (in my spare time) *HA*
SOA- great show
SOAD- screaming guitars and shouting Armenians at 1:30 am. Perfect wake up stuff
CTN, BAN, MDN, MSID, SD, RWC- work related and my head is about to explode

CIA, NSA, ... EIEIO (homage to Mouth Bandits. Can't remember it all, though it should be burned into my brain)

Breathe/Be Yourself Tonight

So this year, with all its difficulty, pressures, concerns and things that have stretched me beyond belief is almost over. I see some very happy changes coming ahead- I just have to get there.

I have been treading water; trying to keep my head above the incoming fray (and I've just about gone under a couple times) for the past few months. I've had some AWESOME friends come along side me and throw me a lifeline- and I've held on for dear life. I've been so grateful that I have had people to rely on, and I've been hopeful I won't HAVE to ask for help for long.

I see the light at the end of the tunnel- but getting to the end is going to be physically and emotionally hard. I know these next couple weeks are yet another test- of my character, my endurance, my faith and my family. I need to hold myself up and keep moving to the end- and the means will make sense on their own.

I am looking forward to a chance to be MYSELF soon- fatigue, stress and pain have hindered me greatly and I am very hopeful things will be as they should be once again.

It's Complicated

I have a place in my life that is really important to me. It's been crucial to my ability to keep my sanity throughout this year. It's a place where I feel comfortable, safe, relaxed, and like "me". I can open up, unwind, enjoy being unpressured or stressed, and move along with my life.

I hold this place very dear to me. It's "off limits" to other interruptions (including work) and I make every effort to treat it with respect.

I have done a lot of work to help this place grow. I've been aware that it in growing, it is changing, and I am trying to grow with it. I have been pretty excited about some of the changes, even when others involved were not so sure.

I know my hard work and willingness to stick it out when it got hard is part of why this place is so special. I know that I'm a big part of why this place is where it is now. I'm not the only one involved, and others are getting most, if not all, of the recognition for the improvements and changes.

They definitely deserve recognition. The parts they play are important to where this place is going and what's happening to it, and I recognize that. I'm not upset that they are getting their due.

I'm a little jealous, and a little hurt that my contributions are being overlooked. I'm feeling pushed out and less than respected, and it bothers me. Very recently, there was a talk about who had done what, and I wasn't mentioned once.

There was definitely a strong feeling of pettiness ("what about me"), but I swallowed it at the time. Expressing that would not have done anything to help or improve things, and I really believe in making it better above all else.

Do I really need the recognition, or do I need this place? Do I want to keep at it, or move past this and find a "new" safe haven? Am I strong enough to handle this disappointment or will I cave like I have in the past? Do I grow with this place, and find ways to help others involved through my efforts?

It bothers me that I care about what others think so much, and it drives me nuts that this is even an issue. Being who I want to be means rising above this "fluffy emo" stuff and taking pride in the work I've done, regardless of peer perception. I know I am not there yet, and it bugs me.

Life is full of changes (thanks, Julee!) and how you handle them shows a lot about who you are. These changes in both my safe place and myself are important, but scary. I'm aware of my struggle and I'm trying to open myself to being better than whining.

It's just really complicated.

Let me off this ride!

So, this year has been a challenge. I have had so many of my comfort zones widened, expanded, stretched or even outright demolished I have very little left that I feel "safe" in.

Layoff. Unemployment. Working every single shift (days, evenings, nights) at a part time job, all in the same week with no semblance of a "normal schedule". Interviews. Strange Interviews. Crazy Interviews. A few interviews, I thought I was being "Punk'd". A new job. A couple breaths. 10 to 14 hour days, on a regular basis. No set idea how or when I'd see my kids. Driving 100+ miles a DAY. Quitting. Part time job. Interviews, more interviews, and interviews again. This round seemed much more "normal" than round 1 at the beginning of the year. New job (again).

I hate this. It feels like a bad carnival ride, and I really want to get off. I want some of my comforts, the things I can depend on. But it seems as if it's up to me to be the dependable one, the one others rely on for strength and stability.

I used to be a really tough cookie, but grew over time into who I feel I am today- a loving, compassionate woman with a tender heart. And now, I get to be the fighter again.

I'm trying to balance the tough & strength with the caring concern, and I haven't figured out how. I'm trying to be what is needed and who I am is very hard to see right now. I am upside down and I don't like it.

I want off this ride.

But I know I'm getting stronger every day.

And that's a good thing, right?

Twang

My heartstrings have been plucked quite mightily, by fate, time, frivolity and reality. I faced this the other day- a magical person who had once been a tiny terror (but still terrific), a mini monarch; a toddler tyrant. Now, this person is more than magical- majestic, tremendous, exhilarating and WAY TOO BIG!




TallBoy pronounced that she looked like a "Wampire" (whiny vampire) and thus needed to be "twanged" with arrows (through the heart, of course) to re-deadify her. He proceeded to walk around proclaiming "twang" at her all evening, with much giggling and sighing, depending on her mood.

Twang, indeed.

Crud

It's been going around. I am trying to avoid it. I don't think I am fast enough.

All Kidding Aside

I don't have kids anymore, I have teenagers!

My lovely girl turns 13 today. I am so tremendously proud of everything she is, all that she wants to be, and every possibility she entertains for herself. She is a fun, cool, silly, wacky, wonderful, ever-changing and always challenging person.

I adore my beautiful girl and hope that she gets everything she wants, needs and deserves- today, tomorrow and always.

I'm a big blue weirdo

I'm doing laundry!

Yay.

So NOT ready

SweetPea is 13 Friday. EEP.

Stretchy

Yesterday I had the opportunity to spend the day with my dad on a road trip. I brought my wonderful SweetPea along for some quality "Poppa" time. We drove about 2 hours north of where he lives (very close to his hometowm) and spent the day watching a small start up wrestling federation at a local mall. They were putting on a free show to expand interest in their little group and get some fans.

FULL DISCLOSURE:

I love professional wrestling. LOVE IT. This is a gushy "marked-out" post and I will not apologize.

Back to the action:

My dad's got a good friend in his life that had been heavily involved in this promotion until about 2 months ago. She came along with on this trip. She knows the owners, the bookers, the gorilla, some of the talent, etc. We got their early and got GREAT seats, and she chatted with the various VIPS for a bit. It was kind of neat to watch her in her element.

The show starts out with some of the brand new talent- and some of them are pretty good, while one was HILARIOUSLY bad. I laughed at a lot of the blown spots but really enjoyed it. There were two exceptionally high points I just have to share:

One- they had this cute kid going by the name of "Juice Robinson" wrestling. SweetPea & I often discuss "hot guys" with each other and have a good time pointing them out when we see them. Juice came out and her exact words were:

"WOW!"
She then proceeded to turn as pink as her shirt.



yeah, wow.

The next moment (or set of them, really) was a young guy named GT Vega. He was a fan favorite and VERY talented. SweetPea let out a squeal/squeek noise when she saw him, and when he got up on the turnbuckle, she was pointing and fanning herself at the same time. She was a pretty dang funny sight. (I was on the aisle seat, one row away from the stairs. I got some GREAT pictures.) Vega entering the ring :



Not bad!



Vega on the ropes- oh, yum!

And the best- My dad's friend went and talked to the back stage manager (the gorilla) and asked if Vega would come out and sign an autograph for SweetPea- but it was all hush hush and SweetPea had NO IDEA it was happening until the manager tapped her on the shoulder and told her to come with him for a minute. He was taking her backstage!

SweetPea just about cried she was so excited- and I asked if I could take a quick picture. By then, Vega had come out and signed and posed- just for SweetPea. She was SO excited, she could hardly contain herself. She was just a little self conscious, but happy as can be. Here she is with Vega-



She then attacked our friend with the world's greatest hug:



I love that my kids have so many people that love them in their lives. I love that my family keeps expanding and that we're a lot like the spandex the wrestlers wore yesterday- stretchy enough to wrap around a lot, but strong enough to hold it tight.

Busted!

So the creep that started all the fires here in our little town has been arrested. He's a member of a family that is just a little known around here and when I heard who it was, I was not surprised. Sad, though. He apparently was on a wide variety of drugs & then had a bottle or 2 of something also at the time. I had a pointed conversation with my kids about these facts, as the guy is 17. I know my kids a little better than that, but if nothing else, he can serve as a horrible warning.

My washer broke last week. This is ultimate sadness as there is no laundromat anywhere near our little town and lugging laundry to my mother-in-law's home is a HUGE pain in my rear.

This week is Homecoming week at our little school and of course that means SpiritWeek. Today was "Dress Like a Hobo" day. TallBoy decided to dress like our friend Tom's character from the World of Darkness game we play. Tom's character is a "little touched" as they say; and often does nonsensical things. One of his most famous "bits" is carrying a non-functional lightbulb because it "illuminates" things. Here's TallBoy as "Coyote Joe":



One of my turn signal lights is out and now my car makes that annoying superfast click noise when I signal. I need a bulb, and it needs to function.

Fire Bad

Many apologies to Camp Chaos...

My little town was hit by a string of arsons last night. From what I've heard, they were all further south of me and they were all focused on cars or garages.

I'd always assumed fire would be the last of my worries out here. I live directly across from the pump house, there's a hydrant across the street from me, and the south station is literally less than 100 feet from my house.

I guess that only helps if the firemen are only fighting YOUR fire and not 6 different ones. At 2 in the morning. The fires went on until almost 6 am. The arsonists went through yards, hitting new targets just as the fire crews were cleaning up from one place, so they were literally rolling from one fire to the next.

Our little volunteer corps deserves a great many thanks, as do all the coops that came to help prevent the fires from spreading further.

I hope they, and our town get some sleep tonight. We're a little jumpy.

Not Too Shabby Herself

(This post was written Saturday...)

Today was our little town's Fall Festival type thing. There's a car show (in my front yard, and those dang car guys do NOT care on whit that it is rude to rev an engine early in the am!), vendors, food, games, contests, etc.

SweetPea is a true star in the making. She wants to sing, dance, write, create, design clothes- if it is creative and "over the top", she wants to do it- and do it WELL. She is completely comfortable as a performer and cannot WAIT to get solos and be 'famous'. I am always listening to her practice, and always impressed with her intensity.

She entered the KrazyKostume Kontest and the Talent Show. She was completely at ease in front of the whole town- even parading around with flair and abandon in her getup. She sang Green Day's Viva La Gloria during the talent show and was totally comfortable with the modern day punk ballad.

I listened from my spot down the street, waiting to see how she did. A little later I saw her "sneaking" down the street with SOMETHING sort of hidden behind her. I giggled at her enthusiasm and desire to surprise me, so I pretended not to see.

She got a big fat trophy! She won 2nd place. She's a total rock star in the making... and I know her now, when she is sweet, and funny, and tender, and wacky and totally HER.

Here's a few pictures- she was in a fashion show a couple weeks ago, and then her costume and her trophy.

The Fashionista!



her wacky costume!



the trophy! It's SHINY!!!!!


Look at that beautiful girl! I am so proud of her- because she's doing what she loves and she has no fear. Wahoo!

More words than normal today

Life has a funny way of telling you how small your world is when you least expect it, and showing you the treasures you never knew you had right under your nose.

We recently heard that one of TallBoy's friends from church lost his mom to cancer. This buddy has a very special place in MY heart (although I don't think he knows it) because he reminds me SOOOOOOOOOO much of my middle brother. They are built in a very similar fashion, they talk and act very alike, they dress in very similar ways and even like the same kind of music. I quite honestly did a large number of double takes when I first met him because he resembled my brother SO much I was having a hard time figuring out what he (my brother) was doing 500 miles from home.

TallBoy and I discuss how TallBoy feels about this whole deal- someone he knows and cares about is hurting and needs friends to be around him, to support him, and to listen to whatever might be on the friend's mind. TallBoy agreed very strongly that he should attend the visitation and offer whatever support he could to his friend.


I heard about a local Blogger's Toys For Troops rallies, and came out to help a while ago. I sent out emails to friends and family that understand supporting troops in physical ways, gathered my kids and took them with me to a day of gift sorting & present wrapping. I made Christmas cards to send out. I still have a batch of thank you cards for her next batch of goodies to go out.


This lady, My fellow Blogger over at This Just In was relaying over the course of several months (if not longer) that she was losing her sister to cancer. I didn't say a lot about it, but I kept GnightGirl's family in my prayers as they dealt with the many "whammy"s of cancer and grief.

When she announced the death of her sister and gave details on the service, I was stunned to realize that her sister was also TallBoy's buddy's mom.

The day of the visitation, TallBoy was sick, so I went in his place. I knew two of the people touched by this woman's life, and I had as much compassion and concern as TallBoy- it was just different. TallBoy's friend was very surprised to learn I knew his aunt, but it was a good time.

TallBoy felt better, and went to the funeral, burial, and church luncheon to be a support for his friend. I honestly couldn't be prouder of him than I am right now.

I really don't have a lot I am super passionate about (as discussed previously), but compassion is something I am HUGE on. I never know if my lessons and examples make their mark on my children. I never know if I am truly passing on my values or if my kids just pay lip service while they are still home to get me off their backs.

TallBoy showed not only me, but himself and his buddy, that he GETS it. Caring about other people's feelings is important and it should be DONE. He didn't care that it was uncomfortable, or hard, or a distraction. He just did what was RIGHT and offered the only thing he had to his friend- his presence.

I am so completely thrilled with him. He's truly a fine young man, and I saw just a glimmer of the great potential he has within him.

Surprises

I did not know that I cared even a little how I performed in relation to others; I am not terribly competitive at all. Usually I care most about how I am doing vs myself. If I have set a goal and I am closer to it this time than the last time I set the same goal, then...tada, improvement. I am satisfied by doing my best, and by seeing other people happy through my work.

Then this career in insurance came about... and it is very competitive. Everything is a contest in some way at my office. I usually ignore it as it doesn't really motivate me in any way. I sit next to and across from the two "go getters" in my office and that is usually more than enough competitive thinking for me for a whole year.

Something funny happened recently. We're in the biggest sales contest of the year, and I was in the lead for the first 2 weeks. It was really a major surprise to discover how much I liked being FIRST on that list of agents. During this contest, I have been in the top three the whole time. It's kind of exciting.

I am in the last week and will need to pull something out of my rear to place any higher than third, but for me, third would be HUGE.

I want to win something. Who knew?

Thank Heaven for Husbands

I can't tell you enough how much I love and appreciate mine today.

I love you, Darling Dude!

That is all.

Facebook

So a while ago I joined the ranks of the Facebook folks. It's been interesting. I use it mostly to talk to my brother in Arkansas, my former high school best friends, and of all people,


The Dude (!)

I've had longer, better, and more in-depth conversations with the Dude via chat than I'm able to in person many times. If there was only a "hug" feature, Facebook would be the champion of my marriage right now.


I have to be a little careful- the Dude tends to have the monitor so anyone can see the screen, and I've been known to send him a racy note or two. But it makes my life a little interesting. I like interesting.

I love that I can pop on, talk to my wonderful man for a few minutes, and then jet about on with my regular day. FB chat makes my evenings go more quickly, helps me keep things in perspective, and generally reminds me that there are two of us in this crazy partnership. It makes going to bed alone a little more tolerable.

More on Passion

In the Family Fued kind of world, if you were to ask a set group of people who is more passionate- the Dude or me, the answer would almost definitely be The Dude.

He's a red head. He's got a hot temper. He likes to share his opinion, usually loudly, with anyone within the room/town/county. He gets upset about a great many things and he feels that it is only fair that he share the misery/outrage/etc.

As a rule, I am viewed as the more level headed, calm and understanding one. I am usually able to smooth things out or offer a soothing voice to a solution. I am often seen as moderate. Usually, that view is correct.

I am pretty open minded about things. I try not to have a set opinion about very much. I learned the lesson of critical thinking very well, and I work hard to understand both sides of an issue. I am very capable of viewing both sides of an arguement and identifying and feeling compassion for both.

Some people call this sort of thinking "wishy-washy". I call it fair.

I value this ability very highly- it is one of the strongest reasons I am so good at my job. The talent for seeing someone else's perspective and challenges is valued very highly in my field, and I use it to my advantage as often as I can.

I'm pretty fair about most things. But there are things I am firm on- there's a line in the sand and I'll cause irreparable damage to anyone that crosses it.

The things I am passionate about include being a fantastic wife, and an outstanding mother.

I have to admit I fell down on the job for many years as a wife, and I still haven't completely forgiven myself. I know I have not always supported The Dude as well as I should or could have, and our relationship certainly suffered for it. I am making a concerted effort to be sure to demonstrate in word AND action how passionate I am about being his number one defender. He deserves to have a champion that backs him and supports him with love and respect, and I am trying my best to accomplish that.

I'm working on being the best mom ever, but it's a work in progress and there's just no way I will ever measure up to the awesome kids I've been blessed with. I keep trying, and love them all the same.

The Dude might be more outspoken, more obviously stricken with passions, and more vehement about the "wrongs" in the world- but I feel very sorry for the person that stands between me and my calling to be a wife, or mother. I might do a lot worse than with hold fudge...

Passion

So, in my real life, The Dude and I own a small retail store.

No, that's a lie.

We own an awesome game store that brings complete and total happiness to the man I adore. We offer a home, a community, a PLACE to be to our local gaming friends & family and we happen to do it while making sales and staying afloat.

We are totally passionate about this place. It is vital, essential and tantamount to our day to day operations. We work hard to make it a going concern and are always looking for ways to grow. We constantly work to offer more value and something better to the folks that make the store successful.

We didn't do it on our own- we inherited/bought the store from some other local guys that wanted a place where everyone was welcome, and we've poured our hearts into it ever since.

The energy, the enthusiasm, the utter passion- they are wonderful and I am glad they finally have a place to go...

The game store.... OUR game store.