Surprises

I did not know that I cared even a little how I performed in relation to others; I am not terribly competitive at all. Usually I care most about how I am doing vs myself. If I have set a goal and I am closer to it this time than the last time I set the same goal, then...tada, improvement. I am satisfied by doing my best, and by seeing other people happy through my work.

Then this career in insurance came about... and it is very competitive. Everything is a contest in some way at my office. I usually ignore it as it doesn't really motivate me in any way. I sit next to and across from the two "go getters" in my office and that is usually more than enough competitive thinking for me for a whole year.

Something funny happened recently. We're in the biggest sales contest of the year, and I was in the lead for the first 2 weeks. It was really a major surprise to discover how much I liked being FIRST on that list of agents. During this contest, I have been in the top three the whole time. It's kind of exciting.

I am in the last week and will need to pull something out of my rear to place any higher than third, but for me, third would be HUGE.

I want to win something. Who knew?

I don't deserve this

This past week has been a blur.

I mentally allowed myself the week of Christmas "off" and really did not look for work. I needed time with my kids that involved no stress, no worrying, and lots of fun.

As of Monday, I have sent out countless applications/resumes, have tried to battle my budget into submission (HA!), found a lot of things to keep me busy and trooped on with my life.

And at every turn, my cup continues to overflow.

I've received unexpected financial help recently. My mother is just being awesome in ways I can't explain. My faith has been strengthened by my friends and family. A member of my small group at church has offered me a part time job. My life is filled with the spirit and person of G-d in soft, huggable bodies.

I've hoped to be a good, loving person. I've hoped to be a light to those that need it. I've hoped to be approachable and easygoing in my faith. I've never been certain I was doing it well.

I don't feel like I deserve all this kindness. I'm struggling to accept it all and I have learned a whole lot of ways to say thank you.


Thank you doesn't seem enough. It just doesn't.