Identity

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tell me what you see
do you see perfection in me
to you, do I look complete?

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I am
whatever you say I am

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Try and find myself
Hardest thing I've ever done

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Once you find yourself, how stuck are with what you get? I don't think they give refunds. So doing the best you can with what you've got is now the order of the day. I think I am pretty good at that.

It's Like Grace

So a very, very, very good thing happened to me pretty recently. This thing happened to me because I did something I am not terribly good at- I listened to my gut.

The Dude is the MASTER of listening to his gut, and knowing it is RIGHT. He's so rarely wrong that many times a big decision is made based on what "his gut says". Me, I second (and third, fourth etc) guess myself. I don't have a real strong instinct and when I do hear a "message", I don't RECOGNIZE it. I am not terribly good at listening to myself and my track record is abysmal at best.

I really do not want to get into the specifics of what happened exactly (for honest to gosh fear of jinxing myself, and after this last run of listening to myself, I am not about to spoil it) but it happened because I heard a message loud and clear. I not only listened, but I paid attention and did what the "directions" said to do.

I was explaining to the Dude how big it is, this thing that happened. I had not verbalized it to anyone how huge it was until I told him. But really, this thing was like grace coming right out of G-d's hands into my life. It's a chance to start over- a "do-over". And I really, really need one.

A good thing happened. I'm pretty excited. 

Been Thinking

Most of my non-existance lately has been due to fear. Fear that by acknowledging the [whatever- and boy is there a LOT of whatever], I would be giving it substance. That by nodding to the reality of the [verboten], I give it power.

Well, I just have to say, pretending it's not there doesn't work for crap. The STUFF is still real, and hits me all the harder for it.

As much as I reject the reality of my life (thank you Adam Savage!) for the past month or so, there has been a good amount of positive along with the -notsomuch-. I've discovered some VERY important things about myself and what I need to do. What I want to do has also come into the sun a little, and maybe I will be brave enough to put some energy into myself sometime in the next .....soon.

So, I've had some ups and some downs. I am in the middle of a very bumpy spot and hoping things get smoother soon. I have some hope for a brighter, smoother ride -- soon.

Not entirely dead

I've just been hiding. I've been thinking about a post but haven't fomulated all of it yet. Just- I'm not dead.