I had forgotten
how much I love and need my wonderful church family
how good it feels to be supported rather than standing on my own
how long that "short drive to town" feels under pressure
that the only thing louder than my heart beating in my ears is the sound of an O2/pulse meter drowning it out
how lonely it is at 4 am
how dark it is at 4 am
how often I used to check to see that he was sleeping and breathing well
how easily I felt at peace before
how hard I will fight to keep that which is mine safe, happy and healthy
how much I can rely on - friends, family, faith and my own driven, intense commitment
how I have a purpose and how I can feel assured that I'm doing my best
how much I have been blessed
It only took a few hours for it all to come back. It may be years before I forget again
Monday, May 24, 2010
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Ghosts
Memories are much like ghosts. Some are welcome friendly reminders of people and places gone by in your life, full of soft touches and wistful perceptions of what you once had. Others are terrible; horrific haunting strokes of hells you've already lived. Some are body blows of reality that some things never change.
Some ghosts are invoked through entire circumstances, while others generate over an instant. Perhaps a voice, a phrase, or even a tone invoke these specters of the past. Scents are well known for evoking memories, with the faintest whiff acting as a rewind button for the brain.
Memories are often landmarks, milemarkers or signposts in a life. Retrospect can offer glimpses of arrows pointing to or against certain directions. Some of these are merely road signs- "college years" or "childhood town". Yet others are much more personal, with commentary easily understood years later: "day I chose to quit bad habit" or "could have prevented heartache/harm/death by acting rather than waiting".
There are some memories no one should have to re-record. Some things are wonderful enough that living through it again almost wrecks the original event. Some experiences are bad enough the first time around, that a second shot at them is nothing short of torture.
It's in reliving these types of moments that many people find their core- how do they handle the problem. Do they learn from it, use it as a base for their actions today. Do they wallow and repeat themselves, or do they act as if they'd never lived through it before- all possible with many more choices and actions as there are lives to live.
I've lived a particular experience more than a few times now. Each time, the memories associated with it come at me,and like a hand in poker, I fold rather than bluff or bet. (I'm not a good liar and I really don't like risk.)
Tuesday, the ghosts came to haunt me and I didn't blink. I bluffed and played my hand my way, winning the pot this time around rather than waiting to see what I got dealt in the next hand.
The ghosts-the signposts-the memories; they are all part of an experience I had already. I can have the experience dozens more times, but each time will be a chance to have a NEW experience- and to create new memories.
As much as I don't care to repeat Tuesday's experience ever again, I welcome the chance to help create some friendly ghosts.
Some ghosts are invoked through entire circumstances, while others generate over an instant. Perhaps a voice, a phrase, or even a tone invoke these specters of the past. Scents are well known for evoking memories, with the faintest whiff acting as a rewind button for the brain.
Memories are often landmarks, milemarkers or signposts in a life. Retrospect can offer glimpses of arrows pointing to or against certain directions. Some of these are merely road signs- "college years" or "childhood town". Yet others are much more personal, with commentary easily understood years later: "day I chose to quit bad habit" or "could have prevented heartache/harm/death by acting rather than waiting".
There are some memories no one should have to re-record. Some things are wonderful enough that living through it again almost wrecks the original event. Some experiences are bad enough the first time around, that a second shot at them is nothing short of torture.
It's in reliving these types of moments that many people find their core- how do they handle the problem. Do they learn from it, use it as a base for their actions today. Do they wallow and repeat themselves, or do they act as if they'd never lived through it before- all possible with many more choices and actions as there are lives to live.
I've lived a particular experience more than a few times now. Each time, the memories associated with it come at me,and like a hand in poker, I fold rather than bluff or bet. (I'm not a good liar and I really don't like risk.)
Tuesday, the ghosts came to haunt me and I didn't blink. I bluffed and played my hand my way, winning the pot this time around rather than waiting to see what I got dealt in the next hand.
The ghosts-the signposts-the memories; they are all part of an experience I had already. I can have the experience dozens more times, but each time will be a chance to have a NEW experience- and to create new memories.
As much as I don't care to repeat Tuesday's experience ever again, I welcome the chance to help create some friendly ghosts.
Monday, May 17, 2010
Minions
I love to joke about being a terrible tyrant rather than a mother. It's big fun to tease the kids that they are merely minions here to serve me. I even give them titles and areas over which they are responsible.
TrashRemoverMan and LaundryLady live at my house and they live to serve me.
Mwahahahahahahha!
TrashRemoverMan and LaundryLady live at my house and they live to serve me.
Mwahahahahahahha!
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