Is there anything more quiet...

Than an unquiet mind?

I have not done any paper crafting, card making, scrapbooking or other such related craft pretty much all year. For several years, this was where my heart was. I didn't need to write about anything- the act of picking the right color, texture, picture, lettering, the composition; all of it was my therapy. It was my place to unwind and put my thoughts, even if I didn't "verbalize" it with journaling- it was simply the act of creating that made me tick.

For the most part, anything I worked on this year was half-hearted at best, and lasted for about an hour-maybe two. I stopped having interest late last year (due to the layoff) and it just kept spreading. I kept making excuses and putting it off, and now it's the end of the year and I am still working 2 jobs and I don't have enough days off in a row and my life is in a holding pattern and ......

UGH.

I haven't painted minis for a while. I had them out a couple months back, and finished all but a couple of my guys (based & everything, woot!) but I can't bring myself to finish the last couple. This &**&^%% squad looks horrible, and I am sure that is part of the problem. I don't want to finish something I don't love. I keep making excuses and .....


UGH.

I haven't been writing (either here or in my personal space) because I just don't want to face the stuff I'm dealing with. My deal with myself is that I will be totally and completely honest- no lies, no excuses, no crud. I honestly don't have the emotional energy to not only stick it out and DO it, but also hold myself accountable and not make excuses and .....

UGH.

I've been dumping my thoughts back into games, and the characters I've been playing. I may not be able to continue one of my regular games due to work (for which I am grateful: thank you, Lord, for work) and I haven't been able to do what I am best at in the other. I've been exceptionally limited and I'm trying to find ways to break out of that. I've had this game on my mind a lot but it has not been productive and it's making me crazy. It's so frustrating there are times it isn't fun (because of things I am doing to myself) and I just want to quit or make excuses and .....

UGH

~It's just as I feared, I have come undone ~

It all comes down to how I handle it. I have to decide if I'll crumble under the pressure, or if I'll dust myself off and move on. I have to be "smarter than the equipment" and tougher than the adverse conditions. Life is full of change, and it's my turn to make it.

Now,

what project sounds fun? Maybe knitting.

Alphabet Street

JAK- he's been on my mind lately
WOD- been considering running a game (in my spare time) *HA*
SOA- great show
SOAD- screaming guitars and shouting Armenians at 1:30 am. Perfect wake up stuff
CTN, BAN, MDN, MSID, SD, RWC- work related and my head is about to explode

CIA, NSA, ... EIEIO (homage to Mouth Bandits. Can't remember it all, though it should be burned into my brain)

Breathe/Be Yourself Tonight

So this year, with all its difficulty, pressures, concerns and things that have stretched me beyond belief is almost over. I see some very happy changes coming ahead- I just have to get there.

I have been treading water; trying to keep my head above the incoming fray (and I've just about gone under a couple times) for the past few months. I've had some AWESOME friends come along side me and throw me a lifeline- and I've held on for dear life. I've been so grateful that I have had people to rely on, and I've been hopeful I won't HAVE to ask for help for long.

I see the light at the end of the tunnel- but getting to the end is going to be physically and emotionally hard. I know these next couple weeks are yet another test- of my character, my endurance, my faith and my family. I need to hold myself up and keep moving to the end- and the means will make sense on their own.

I am looking forward to a chance to be MYSELF soon- fatigue, stress and pain have hindered me greatly and I am very hopeful things will be as they should be once again.