I had it BAD for this guy, even going so far as to do things that would probably be considered stalking today. (No details, just suffice it to say I know better now.) He absolutely refused to acknowledge my affections in any way. He was polite to me, was never rude to me or mean- he just acted like I did not have my tongue rolling down my face every time I interacted with him.
This went on for YEARS. I kept hoping something would change and he would realize I was the greatest thing since sliced bread and want to date me- but no such luck.
I yearned after him in his completely geeky (glasses AND braces), devastatingly smart (a complete intellectual with a love of books and psychology to rival my own), long and lean (a distance runner with some killer calves) gaming self for a very long time with very little immediate reward.
Guy X was in my social circle. I saw him a lot. We were friends for a very long time, despite my nearly tangible, desperate crush, and I had a lot of fun with him. I got a deeper understanding of the mechanics of nearly any game I played with him. He was a definite rules monkey, and having him around nearly required an intensity and understanding of the gameplay I generally didn't have at the time but forced myself to learn.
My reward would come later, in life lessons I had no idea I was learning.
I learned patience (like a saint), perseverance (dogged-like in fact) and humility (the world is NOT about me). By waiting and hoping for this guy, I developed some of the traits I am most known for now. I don't give up on things I believe in without a fight- a loud one, too. I became more determined and more focused by pouring my energies into one far off, distant dream than I ever would have through nearly any other trial in my life. I learned that sometimes, it is not personal, and I have to accept the reality that there's more out there than me- and be gracious about it.
I also learned how to stand up for myself and set limits. If it were not for Guy X, I would not have made the series of decisions that lead to the Dude and I getting married. I chose that I would NOT wallow in an abject adoration of another guy from afar after Guy X was out of the picture- and gave myself boundaries. I stuck to them, and gave myself the room I needed to make GOOD choices, as well as find alternatives to depending on a man to be happy.
Guy X unwittingly helped define my character in fundamental ways, and I am extremely grateful for his role in my life. He was one of those "defining people", but he didn't chose it. He just acted like himself, and growth and change came with the experience and the years.
I wasn't at the time, but I am now very glad I had the monster truck of misguided lust befall me- I would not be me with out him.
So, to Guy X, I say:
1) I wish you complete and total happiness with the woman you intend to marry. I sincerely and honestly pray for joy and strength with this person, and hope you are maddeningly in love.
2) Thank you for not being interested in me. It sucked at the time, but I'm glad for it now.
I'm totally serious in saying that I would not have any hope of being the person, friend, sister, wife and mother I am today without having gone through your kindest cut.
And as an aside, The Dude noticed that Guy X was the prototype for the "type" of guy I am now pretty famous for liking.
Tall, dark haired, strongly defined facial features (his cheeks could cut you from across the room, they were so sharp), clean shaven, a little muscle but not "over-built", smart and good taste in shoes. (I know, a dumb thing to care about, but I can't dig a dude in Keds.)
here are some famous examples of my crush-types....
Hugh is a little scraggly for my tastes, but his piercing eyes more than make up for it.
What's important to know about all these guys is that they are "crushes".
I am wholewheartedly, absolutely, definitely, undeniably IN LOVE with the Dude.
The Dude is tall and smart. Those are about the ONLY features the Dude has on my "preferences" list. He's a red-head. He's got a strong chin, but the rest of his face is less "cut" than anyone you see here. He's a hairy guy, and has a 5 o'clock shadow pretty much 2 minutes after shaving. He's a thick bodied guy (but not built by any means) and he wears whatever shoes are handy.
But he is by far the best man I have ever known. He makes me laugh (an easy thing as I have a hair-trigger funny switch), he "gets" me, he makes me feel safe, he is strong and dependable, he's honest and righteous, and he gets mad for me. He is FAMOUS for his temper- and many times, he uses that temper to protect me or defend me. He's so much more I could go on for hours- but it does not matter even a little bit to me that he is not "like those guys".
It's BECAUSE he is not like those guys that I love him, and need him in my life.
Crushes are nice for a quick fix, but love is where it's at.
Guy X, I hope you have it.
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