Not Quite Pretty

The Nightmare is Over

2010-09-07T20:59:00.000-05:00

All that's left is the recovery.

A little over a year ago, our house in the small town went into foreclosure. Despite attempts to pare down and literally ignoring every other bill with the exception of the car payment (so I could go to work), we finally reached a point where we could not make payments on a consistent basis. This was in large part due to being underemployed and employed in a position where the pay was not dependable in any fashion, but my layoff well over 18 months ago had a huge part in it as well.

As the "breadwinner" in our family for a good number of years, this particular news struck me with a force I cannot explain. It was the most emotionally damning and damaging piece of news I've gotten in a good number of years. The inability to provide the most basic of needs for my family- a roof over their heads- damn near crippled me as a functional adult.

I did the "right things"- I called our mortgage holder repeatedly and often. I tried everything I knew and some things I had only heard whispers about in an effort to save my family's home. I worked insane hours- often driving myself to exhaustion and frustration in an effort to salvage that beautiful place I called my home.

For many months, I told absolutely no one. I hoped (desperately) that we'd find a way to get out of the situation; that modification would work; that I'd get a better job- ANYTHING- would happen to change my situation. I was beyond ashamed; embarrassed and disgusted were daily emotions. I finally broke down and told a limited number of people- honestly, it was just my parents.

I wish I'd been able to give my parents any other news than: I'm a complete failure and I can't keep my family indoors. The response was not great- but some glimmers of hope came out of the wreckage that was my pride. I got through the Christmas season almost entirely on my mother's good will; and tried to right my ship with what looked to be a very promising job.

That job fell through and I wound up with literally no income. I broke down an applied for family assistance and went back to working a backbreaking and emotionally tolling job to bring ANY money into the household.

I got hired back at a former employer in March, and I started making preparations for the reality that we were going to lose the house. I'd tried negotiating with the bank again at that time, and the news wasn't good. I got a letter in the mail from a short sale specialist, and I took the time to call him up and ask a million and one questions. The process took a very long time and I almost changed my mind several times. We moved into a rental that my parents lovingly co-signed on for us just about a month ago.

The move nearly undid me- in many, many ways. Almost none of my friends and family knew the WHOLE story- but they showed up in droves to help me regardless. In the process of moving, my cookbooks were lost. The loss of that single box id more than heartbreaking- it's damn near killing me. My cookbooks are such a big part of who I am and how I function in my group of friends. So many of our friends love my Dude and I'm often crippled by insecurity that they don't like ME. So I bake as a way to cement my place in the circle- I show these people how much they are loved through good, handmade food, and they like it so I know they like me. That's been taken from me and it hurts almost as bad as losing the house.

I don't know how this happened for me in the way it did, but I believe G-d had a big hand in it.

We sold the house to the short sale specialist today. The bank cleared us of any deficiency and we're protected from capital gains for at least another year.

Whether my heart is protected from the damage is another matter.

Today's Funny

2010-09-06T22:57:00.002-05:00

"Air Assaulting Ranger Marines don't faze me, but lack of (time) does."=== The Dude.

priceless

Getting There

2010-08-31T08:34:00.000-05:00

I've been in the new house for a few weeks now. Friends keep asking me how I like it, and I am still a little unsure. I like the location- it's wonderful. It's close to everything but in a quiet neighborhood. The yard is nice and the dog loves it. The kids seem MUCH happier here. (The last year in small town was not real fun for anyone. I think it was a lesson in survival.)

I've had a hard time getting comfortable for a long list of reasons. One big one was that I wasn't fully unpacked (I'm still not there) and I just couldn't "breathe" with the stress of all the boxes. I've spent the last 2 months surrounded by things in boxes- and it kind of unbalanced me (along with a couple other things related to the move).

I got a new shelf, which gave me places to put some things. I put them away and then unpacked my angels. I put my favorite up where I can see her easily and now I feel a lot more at home. My kids noticed the angels and the change in my attitude right away.

It feels good to be closer to home. I'm not there, but I'm getting there.

Un/Re

2010-08-18T22:09:00.000-05:00

Un
packing
stressing
thinking
focusing

re
prioritizing
enjoying
settling
considering
shaping
defining
fining

The Last of It

2010-08-06T10:48:00.000-05:00

Tonight will be my last night in my little home in small town. I'm pretty numb about it now. I've built a shell around my feelings because the move has to happen. I've been in "get it done" mode for a long time now.

However, I did have a moment of reflection when I realized that this is not what I planned for, dreamed of, hoped on or built to over the last few years. It's a very rough thing to realize and accept.

I do have some good things to look forward to, and a lot of work ahead. I'm almost done with all the big stuff- but I still have a lot of little things to do.

Just a rough day

2010-07-26T22:19:00.002-05:00

A lot of things all combined have made today pretty tough.

Waiting is Over

2010-07-14T11:26:00.000-05:00

We're moving from our small, mostly farming town of 1200 people back to the "big city". We're doing it for a lot of reasons, but the long and the short of it is that it's best for our family.

We found a place that is near schools, shopping, parks, family, friends, work and isn't way out of our price range.

This week is totally busy with things that can't be rescheduled, so the packing starts in earnest next week. We move in just under 3 weeks. I may not sleep until September!

Still Waiting

2010-07-03T14:24:00.000-05:00

I am still waiting on something big. There were 2 things and the first didn't happen, but the second is still in the works. Lots of being patient here. Watch. ----------see? I'm being patient!------

I celebrated 20 years of being with the Dude on Thursday. I don't think I will ever get tired of him. I'm still waiting for him to get bored with me, though....

Breathless

2010-06-15T07:56:00.000-05:00

I have some "Big Things" in the works at the moment, but they are completely dependent on other people, timing, a little luck and a lot of waiting.

I have gotten MUCH better at waiting in the past year. I have learned a lot about how to disperse that obnoxious energy that seems to infiltrate the time between starting something and actually getting something accomplished. It's an interesting thing- it's almost like floating, because so much effort is being put into being still.

I hope to have things settled that I can announce them in a week or so. Till then, I will keep waiting.

Sand Angel

2010-06-02T10:11:00.000-05:00

I recently caught up with one of my closest friends from Junior High via Facebook. When I knew him, he was high energy, funny, always interested in helping others, and a martial arts nut with a thrill seeking nature.

I discovered that he has become an Army Medic. This is totally not what I had imagined he would become. I'm not entirely sure what exactly I thought he might do when grew up, but Army Medic was not it. I jokingly envisioned him as a professional world changer (activist) or maybe a ninja (stunt man?).

He recently got deployed to Iraq. He's been sharing what he is allowed - a few views of his life via Facebook and his blog, and I've realized that he is still as wacky and interested in helping others as always. This guy drives an ambulance into firefights to go save guys he doesn't know, fix 'em up and then send them home. Sounds a lot like both a world changer and a ninja to me.

His view of his bunk/room was particularily eye opening. He joked about his prized possessions- a folding table and folding chair (makeshift desk)- and showed off his locker. He was making many comments about his "zany stuff" and I had to do a couple of double takes.

Right now, my friend's worldly possessions fit into an oversized suitcase. He travels the world with less items than I take on vacation and he makes it his home no matter where he goes.

His running commentary on the camp, his fellow soldiers, his life & duty are all told in his same high energy wise cracking way. He hasn't changed very much at all- but he changes everything around him just by being himself.

I'm really honored to know him.

I Had Forgotten

2010-05-24T23:27:00.000-05:00

I had forgotten

how much I love and need my wonderful church family

how good it feels to be supported rather than standing on my own

how long that "short drive to town" feels under pressure

that the only thing louder than my heart beating in my ears is the sound of an O2/pulse meter drowning it out

how lonely it is at 4 am

how dark it is at 4 am

how often I used to check to see that he was sleeping and breathing well

how easily I felt at peace before

how hard I will fight to keep that which is mine safe, happy and healthy

how much I can rely on - friends, family, faith and my own driven, intense commitment

how I have a purpose and how I can feel assured that I'm doing my best

how much I have been blessed

It only took a few hours for it all to come back. It may be years before I forget again

Ghosts

2010-05-20T07:42:00.000-05:00

Memories are much like ghosts. Some are welcome friendly reminders of people and places gone by in your life, full of soft touches and wistful perceptions of what you once had. Others are terrible; horrific haunting strokes of hells you've already lived. Some are body blows of reality that some things never change.

Some ghosts are invoked through entire circumstances, while others generate over an instant. Perhaps a voice, a phrase, or even a tone invoke these specters of the past. Scents are well known for evoking memories, with the faintest whiff acting as a rewind button for the brain.

Memories are often landmarks, milemarkers or signposts in a life. Retrospect can offer glimpses of arrows pointing to or against certain directions. Some of these are merely road signs- "college years" or "childhood town". Yet others are much more personal, with commentary easily understood years later: "day I chose to quit bad habit" or "could have prevented heartache/harm/death by acting rather than waiting".

There are some memories no one should have to re-record. Some things are wonderful enough that living through it again almost wrecks the original event. Some experiences are bad enough the first time around, that a second shot at them is nothing short of torture.

It's in reliving these types of moments that many people find their core- how do they handle the problem. Do they learn from it, use it as a base for their actions today. Do they wallow and repeat themselves, or do they act as if they'd never lived through it before- all possible with many more choices and actions as there are lives to live.

I've lived a particular experience more than a few times now. Each time, the memories associated with it come at me,and like a hand in poker, I fold rather than bluff or bet. (I'm not a good liar and I really don't like risk.)

Tuesday, the ghosts came to haunt me and I didn't blink. I bluffed and played my hand my way, winning the pot this time around rather than waiting to see what I got dealt in the next hand.

The ghosts-the signposts-the memories; they are all part of an experience I had already. I can have the experience dozens more times, but each time will be a chance to have a NEW experience- and to create new memories.

As much as I don't care to repeat Tuesday's experience ever again, I welcome the chance to help create some friendly ghosts.

Minions

2010-05-17T22:03:00.000-05:00

I love to joke about being a terrible tyrant rather than a mother. It's big fun to tease the kids that they are merely minions here to serve me. I even give them titles and areas over which they are responsible.

TrashRemoverMan and LaundryLady live at my house and they live to serve me.

Mwahahahahahahha!

Another game update

2010-04-28T10:39:00.000-05:00

I'm thinking that I may start a game blog, or change the focus of this one just a little. Still processing that thought.

About the time my character Jak died, my gaming life took a very unusual turn. I had a LOT of opportunities very suddenly. I have a chance to play with a whole new group of people, without my kids or my husband; a chance to play with my husband (but no kids); and an option to run my OWN game.

I've always had a little bit of an inferiority complex when it comes to the gaming crowd and how I'm viewed. The Dude is well known and very respected in our circle, and many times I had the feeling that I was accepted by default.

Jak dying was sort of a wake up call to me. I had no less than four different conversations with people regarding my plans, my interests, my desire to keep playing, etc. Every person I talked to encouraged me to stay in the game and had really positive things to say about me as a player. It's kind of neat to know I don't stink.

It's The Dude's Birthday!

2010-04-15T10:29:00.000-05:00

I have had the wonderful priveledge of being married to The Dude for a LONG time. I really, really enjoy him- a lot. He's funny, handsome, caring, honest, dedicated, passionate, witty, loyal, and a fabulous dad. He's my very best friend (girlfriend K, I hope you understand! You're wonderful in your own right!) and above all else, he makes me feel safe.

For me, feeling safe is more important than money, fame, power, faith, a nice car, being well read or any other "big compatibility concern" that other peolpe have. That warm, soft feeling I get when he talks to me, looks at me, holds me or just makes me LAUGH is more valuable than gold.

I cannot tell him in words how much he means to me. It just doesn't seem possible. I've been working very hard to show him in actions and attitude that what he is to me, what he means to me, and how much he gives me are appreciated.

He's better than great; excellent or fabulous. He's kind of my rock star.

(A moment to remember one of his favorite rock stars, Joey Ramone- who died 9 years ago today.)

Today, my rock star is a little older. To me, it's a cause for celebration. I get more time to be with the man I love.

Happy birthday, my darling man. It's your birthday, and you're THE DUDE!

Game Update

2010-04-06T19:05:00.000-05:00

Jak, the character I have been playing for over 2 years, died Saturday.

I've seen a fair share of uncool, underhanded, or just downright jerky player character deaths throughout the years I've been gaming. I've seen personal grudges taken out on players, vindictiveness and humiliation transposed onto the fictional lives of my friends, relatives and even my own imagining.

Jak's death was none of those. It was a fair, clean kill. It was in some ways an object lesson- and I am ok with that. Jak died protecting the ones he loved most, defending those weaker than himself, and he died fighting. Jak had resisted the temptation to let his anger, frustration, discontent and fear take over for a very long time; but when the time came to fight- he did. I'm very content with how he died-it was fitting to how I've played him and how I envisioned him.

I am a little disoriented by his death. I had a lot of ideas for him, and I put a lot of work into fleshing him out. I put a lot of energy into the game overall, and I protected with a vigilance that's fairly rare for me. It was my place to breathe and relax through all the things life is throwing at me, and to have it suddenly gone is a little strange.

I had a few moments of panic- because the players in the game, the ST, the time and the place in many ways became my home. To have your home taken away unexpectedly, to have what you hoped & dreamed of removed- it's jarring and a little hard to swallow.

But it's a game. It's fun, a way to relax and escape. And now I get to come up with a new idea. I'm looking forward to playing a character that's a lot more like myself- because Jak was tough to play. Who knows what I'll do next, but I am looking forward to a new home.

Identity

2010-03-26T10:30:00.000-05:00

///static///

tell me what you see
do you see perfection in me
to you, do I look complete?

///static///

I am
whatever you say I am

///static///

Try and find myself
Hardest thing I've ever done

///static///

Once you find yourself, how stuck are with what you get? I don't think they give refunds. So doing the best you can with what you've got is now the order of the day. I think I am pretty good at that.

It's Like Grace

2010-03-16T22:28:00.000-05:00

So a very, very, very good thing happened to me pretty recently. This thing happened to me because I did something I am not terribly good at- I listened to my gut.

The Dude is the MASTER of listening to his gut, and knowing it is RIGHT. He's so rarely wrong that many times a big decision is made based on what "his gut says". Me, I second (and third, fourth etc) guess myself. I don't have a real strong instinct and when I do hear a "message", I don't RECOGNIZE it. I am not terribly good at listening to myself and my track record is abysmal at best.

I really do not want to get into the specifics of what happened exactly (for honest to gosh fear of jinxing myself, and after this last run of listening to myself, I am not about to spoil it) but it happened because I heard a message loud and clear. I not only listened, but I paid attention and did what the "directions" said to do.

I was explaining to the Dude how big it is, this thing that happened. I had not verbalized it to anyone how huge it was until I told him. But really, this thing was like grace coming right out of G-d's hands into my life. It's a chance to start over- a "do-over". And I really, really need one.

A good thing happened. I'm pretty excited.

Been Thinking

2010-03-09T21:36:00.000-06:00

Most of my non-existance lately has been due to fear. Fear that by acknowledging the [whatever- and boy is there a LOT of whatever], I would be giving it substance. That by nodding to the reality of the [verboten], I give it power.

Well, I just have to say, pretending it's not there doesn't work for crap. The STUFF is still real, and hits me all the harder for it.

As much as I reject the reality of my life (thank you Adam Savage!) for the past month or so, there has been a good amount of positive along with the -notsomuch-. I've discovered some VERY important things about myself and what I need to do. What I want to do has also come into the sun a little, and maybe I will be brave enough to put some energy into myself sometime in the next .....soon.

So, I've had some ups and some downs. I am in the middle of a very bumpy spot and hoping things get smoother soon. I have some hope for a brighter, smoother ride -- soon.

Not entirely dead

2010-03-04T22:56:00.000-06:00

I've just been hiding. I've been thinking about a post but haven't fomulated all of it yet. Just- I'm not dead.

More birthday related

2010-01-17T20:22:00.000-06:00

TallBoy turned 16 yesterday. Many jokes were made about the roads not being safe, and much ado was had over his immense tallness , and he had a wonderful day.

He's actually been driving on a permit for over a year now and is a very good driver. He hates the interstate with a passion and nearly begs me not to make him drive down it when we go somewhere.

He did indeed grow again and I am thinking of hiding the Cheez-Its because they are Proven(TM) to make him grow taller.

He went to game and actually got to do a few very cool things, and enjoyed being sung to by a large group of people. Our dear friend Squirl (who is VERY hard to say no to) convinced SweetPea to lead the Gang in the rousing chorus of "Happy Birthday".

Is it bad to admit I enjoyed watching her squirm, just a little?

It was a good day, though.

It was NOT freezing cold. It was not frostbite inducing. It was not so harsh it hurt to breathe. ALl of those conditions were present 16 eyars ago the day that darn PeskyBaby(TM) was born. He did grow into the TallBoy- all Knees, Neck & Elbows, and tall enough to get the rice down from on top of the cabinets.

It's an honor to be his mom. I love being part of his development. Sometimes I am shocked at how well he's turned out- he's a GOOD KID. I think I'll keep him for a little bit longer.

Go away 18, I am not ready yet.

Early Birthday!

2010-01-03T22:12:00.000-06:00

I got some early birthday goodies from my friend the TinMan.

I have some new metal to paint! I got:

Widowmakers
Iron Fang Pikemen
Man-O-War Kovnik
Man-O-War Demo Corps
Devastator

Some have some paint already. I can live with most of it. Honestly, the Devastator will fit right in with my "Iron Man" theme for my Khadorian Army. I'll have to make some adjustments for the VERY silver heavy Pikemen and 'Makers.

As much as I griped that I really did not like (or want) the 'Makers, now that I have them in my hands, I am not sure I ever want to let them go. LOVE THE HATS! They're so... cold.

My entire list of figs now:

Vlad
Sorscha (BLEK BLEK BLEK BLEK! Can't stand her)

Devastator
Juggernaut
Destroyer

Assault Commandos
Doom Reavers
Man-O-War Shock Troopers
Man-O-War Demo Corps
Man-O-War Kovnik
Widowmakers
Iron Fang Pikemen
And Fluffy the War Dog

So now I have a good bit. I might actually be able to field an army if I ever decide to play... but I don't know about that yet.

And I am trying to keep to Khador, but I'm not really trying to PLAY. I am interesting in painting at this point. Why Red? I just like the way they RedMachine looks, and find it easy to paint. There's a lot of wide, open metal to put my brushes on, and that's just the way I like it until I get MUCH, MUCH better.

I'm ----- NO. GOOD. ---- at "fiddly bits".

Peace

2010-01-03T09:13:00.001-06:00

I think I can say that this is the most hopeful, relaxed and happy I have felt in a very long time.

Is there anything more quiet...

2009-12-23T22:14:00.002-06:00

Than an unquiet mind?

I have not done any paper crafting, card making, scrapbooking or other such related craft pretty much all year. For several years, this was where my heart was. I didn't need to write about anything- the act of picking the right color, texture, picture, lettering, the composition; all of it was my therapy. It was my place to unwind and put my thoughts, even if I didn't "verbalize" it with journaling- it was simply the act of creating that made me tick.

For the most part, anything I worked on this year was half-hearted at best, and lasted for about an hour-maybe two. I stopped having interest late last year (due to the layoff) and it just kept spreading. I kept making excuses and putting it off, and now it's the end of the year and I am still working 2 jobs and I don't have enough days off in a row and my life is in a holding pattern and ......

UGH.

I haven't painted minis for a while. I had them out a couple months back, and finished all but a couple of my guys (based & everything, woot!) but I can't bring myself to finish the last couple. This &**&^%% squad looks horrible, and I am sure that is part of the problem. I don't want to finish something I don't love. I keep making excuses and .....

UGH.

I haven't been writing (either here or in my personal space) because I just don't want to face the stuff I'm dealing with. My deal with myself is that I will be totally and completely honest- no lies, no excuses, no crud. I honestly don't have the emotional energy to not only stick it out and DO it, but also hold myself accountable and not make excuses and .....

UGH.

I've been dumping my thoughts back into games, and the characters I've been playing. I may not be able to continue one of my regular games due to work (for which I am grateful: thank you, Lord, for work) and I haven't been able to do what I am best at in the other. I've been exceptionally limited and I'm trying to find ways to break out of that. I've had this game on my mind a lot but it has not been productive and it's making me crazy. It's so frustrating there are times it isn't fun (because of things I am doing to myself) and I just want to quit or make excuses and .....

UGH

~It's just as I feared, I have come undone ~

It all comes down to how I handle it. I have to decide if I'll crumble under the pressure, or if I'll dust myself off and move on. I have to be "smarter than the equipment" and tougher than the adverse conditions. Life is full of change, and it's my turn to make it.

Now,

what project sounds fun? Maybe knitting.

Alphabet Street

2009-12-18T05:19:00.003-06:00

JAK- he's been on my mind lately
WOD- been considering running a game (in my spare time) *HA*
SOA- great show
SOAD- screaming guitars and shouting Armenians at 1:30 am. Perfect wake up stuff
CTN, BAN, MDN, MSID, SD, RWC- work related and my head is about to explode

CIA, NSA, ... EIEIO (homage to Mouth Bandits. Can't remember it all, though it should be burned into my brain)

Breathe/Be Yourself Tonight

2009-12-13T14:07:00.002-06:00

So this year, with all its difficulty, pressures, concerns and things that have stretched me beyond belief is almost over. I see some very happy changes coming ahead- I just have to get there.

I have been treading water; trying to keep my head above the incoming fray (and I've just about gone under a couple times) for the past few months. I've had some AWESOME friends come along side me and throw me a lifeline- and I've held on for dear life. I've been so grateful that I have had people to rely on, and I've been hopeful I won't HAVE to ask for help for long.

I see the light at the end of the tunnel- but getting to the end is going to be physically and emotionally hard. I know these next couple weeks are yet another test- of my character, my endurance, my faith and my family. I need to hold myself up and keep moving to the end- and the means will make sense on their own.

I am looking forward to a chance to be MYSELF soon- fatigue, stress and pain have hindered me greatly and I am very hopeful things will be as they should be once again.

It's Complicated

2009-11-24T07:56:00.003-06:00

I have a place in my life that is really important to me. It's been crucial to my ability to keep my sanity throughout this year. It's a place where I feel comfortable, safe, relaxed, and like "me". I can open up, unwind, enjoy being unpressured or stressed, and move along with my life.

I hold this place very dear to me. It's "off limits" to other interruptions (including work) and I make every effort to treat it with respect.

I have done a lot of work to help this place grow. I've been aware that it in growing, it is changing, and I am trying to grow with it. I have been pretty excited about some of the changes, even when others involved were not so sure.

I know my hard work and willingness to stick it out when it got hard is part of why this place is so special. I know that I'm a big part of why this place is where it is now. I'm not the only one involved, and others are getting most, if not all, of the recognition for the improvements and changes.

They definitely deserve recognition. The parts they play are important to where this place is going and what's happening to it, and I recognize that. I'm not upset that they are getting their due.

I'm a little jealous, and a little hurt that my contributions are being overlooked. I'm feeling pushed out and less than respected, and it bothers me. Very recently, there was a talk about who had done what, and I wasn't mentioned once.

There was definitely a strong feeling of pettiness ("what about me"), but I swallowed it at the time. Expressing that would not have done anything to help or improve things, and I really believe in making it better above all else.

Do I really need the recognition, or do I need this place? Do I want to keep at it, or move past this and find a "new" safe haven? Am I strong enough to handle this disappointment or will I cave like I have in the past? Do I grow with this place, and find ways to help others involved through my efforts?

It bothers me that I care about what others think so much, and it drives me nuts that this is even an issue. Being who I want to be means rising above this "fluffy emo" stuff and taking pride in the work I've done, regardless of peer perception. I know I am not there yet, and it bugs me.

Life is full of changes (thanks, Julee!) and how you handle them shows a lot about who you are. These changes in both my safe place and myself are important, but scary. I'm aware of my struggle and I'm trying to open myself to being better than whining.

It's just really complicated.

Let me off this ride!

2009-11-23T22:00:00.003-06:00

So, this year has been a challenge. I have had so many of my comfort zones widened, expanded, stretched or even outright demolished I have very little left that I feel "safe" in.

Layoff. Unemployment. Working every single shift (days, evenings, nights) at a part time job, all in the same week with no semblance of a "normal schedule". Interviews. Strange Interviews. Crazy Interviews. A few interviews, I thought I was being "Punk'd". A new job. A couple breaths. 10 to 14 hour days, on a regular basis. No set idea how or when I'd see my kids. Driving 100+ miles a DAY. Quitting. Part time job. Interviews, more interviews, and interviews again. This round seemed much more "normal" than round 1 at the beginning of the year. New job (again).

I hate this. It feels like a bad carnival ride, and I really want to get off. I want some of my comforts, the things I can depend on. But it seems as if it's up to me to be the dependable one, the one others rely on for strength and stability.

I used to be a really tough cookie, but grew over time into who I feel I am today- a loving, compassionate woman with a tender heart. And now, I get to be the fighter again.

I'm trying to balance the tough & strength with the caring concern, and I haven't figured out how. I'm trying to be what is needed and who I am is very hard to see right now. I am upside down and I don't like it.

I want off this ride.

But I know I'm getting stronger every day.

And that's a good thing, right?

Twang

2009-11-03T12:15:00.004-06:00

My heartstrings have been plucked quite mightily, by fate, time, frivolity and reality. I faced this the other day- a magical person who had once been a tiny terror (but still terrific), a mini monarch; a toddler tyrant. Now, this person is more than magical- majestic, tremendous, exhilarating and WAY TOO BIG!

TallBoy pronounced that she looked like a "Wampire" (whiny vampire) and thus needed to be "twanged" with arrows (through the heart, of course) to re-deadify her. He proceeded to walk around proclaiming "twang" at her all evening, with much giggling and sighing, depending on her mood.

Twang, indeed.

Crud

2009-10-25T21:44:00.001-05:00

It's been going around. I am trying to avoid it. I don't think I am fast enough.

All Kidding Aside

2009-10-16T14:19:00.001-05:00

I don't have kids anymore, I have teenagers!

My lovely girl turns 13 today. I am so tremendously proud of everything she is, all that she wants to be, and every possibility she entertains for herself. She is a fun, cool, silly, wacky, wonderful, ever-changing and always challenging person.

I adore my beautiful girl and hope that she gets everything she wants, needs and deserves- today, tomorrow and always.

I'm a big blue weirdo

2009-10-15T21:22:00.001-05:00

I'm doing laundry!

Yay.

So NOT ready

2009-10-13T07:29:00.001-05:00

SweetPea is 13 Friday. EEP.

Stretchy

2009-10-04T13:09:00.002-05:00

Yesterday I had the opportunity to spend the day with my dad on a road trip. I brought my wonderful SweetPea along for some quality "Poppa" time. We drove about 2 hours north of where he lives (very close to his hometowm) and spent the day watching a small start up wrestling federation at a local mall. They were putting on a free show to expand interest in their little group and get some fans.

FULL DISCLOSURE:

I love professional wrestling. LOVE IT. This is a gushy "marked-out" post and I will not apologize.

Back to the action:

My dad's got a good friend in his life that had been heavily involved in this promotion until about 2 months ago. She came along with on this trip. She knows the owners, the bookers, the gorilla, some of the talent, etc. We got their early and got GREAT seats, and she chatted with the various VIPS for a bit. It was kind of neat to watch her in her element.

The show starts out with some of the brand new talent- and some of them are pretty good, while one was HILARIOUSLY bad. I laughed at a lot of the blown spots but really enjoyed it. There were two exceptionally high points I just have to share:

One- they had this cute kid going by the name of "Juice Robinson" wrestling. SweetPea & I often discuss "hot guys" with each other and have a good time pointing them out when we see them. Juice came out and her exact words were:

"WOW!"
She then proceeded to turn as pink as her shirt.

yeah, wow.

The next moment (or set of them, really) was a young guy named GT Vega. He was a fan favorite and VERY talented. SweetPea let out a squeal/squeek noise when she saw him, and when he got up on the turnbuckle, she was pointing and fanning herself at the same time. She was a pretty dang funny sight. (I was on the aisle seat, one row away from the stairs. I got some GREAT pictures.) Vega entering the ring :

Not bad!

Vega on the ropes- oh, yum!

And the best- My dad's friend went and talked to the back stage manager (the gorilla) and asked if Vega would come out and sign an autograph for SweetPea- but it was all hush hush and SweetPea had NO IDEA it was happening until the manager tapped her on the shoulder and told her to come with him for a minute. He was taking her backstage!

SweetPea just about cried she was so excited- and I asked if I could take a quick picture. By then, Vega had come out and signed and posed- just for SweetPea. She was SO excited, she could hardly contain herself. She was just a little self conscious, but happy as can be. Here she is with Vega-

She then attacked our friend with the world's greatest hug:

I love that my kids have so many people that love them in their lives. I love that my family keeps expanding and that we're a lot like the spandex the wrestlers wore yesterday- stretchy enough to wrap around a lot, but strong enough to hold it tight.

Busted!

2009-09-28T21:04:00.003-05:00

So the creep that started all the fires here in our little town has been arrested. He's a member of a family that is just a little known around here and when I heard who it was, I was not surprised. Sad, though. He apparently was on a wide variety of drugs & then had a bottle or 2 of something also at the time. I had a pointed conversation with my kids about these facts, as the guy is 17. I know my kids a little better than that, but if nothing else, he can serve as a horrible warning.

My washer broke last week. This is ultimate sadness as there is no laundromat anywhere near our little town and lugging laundry to my mother-in-law's home is a HUGE pain in my rear.

This week is Homecoming week at our little school and of course that means SpiritWeek. Today was "Dress Like a Hobo" day. TallBoy decided to dress like our friend Tom's character from the World of Darkness game we play. Tom's character is a "little touched" as they say; and often does nonsensical things. One of his most famous "bits" is carrying a non-functional lightbulb because it "illuminates" things. Here's TallBoy as "Coyote Joe":

One of my turn signal lights is out and now my car makes that annoying superfast click noise when I signal. I need a bulb, and it needs to function.

Fire Bad

2009-09-22T21:14:00.003-05:00

Many apologies to Camp Chaos...

My little town was hit by a string of arsons last night. From what I've heard, they were all further south of me and they were all focused on cars or garages.

I'd always assumed fire would be the last of my worries out here. I live directly across from the pump house, there's a hydrant across the street from me, and the south station is literally less than 100 feet from my house.

I guess that only helps if the firemen are only fighting YOUR fire and not 6 different ones. At 2 in the morning. The fires went on until almost 6 am. The arsonists went through yards, hitting new targets just as the fire crews were cleaning up from one place, so they were literally rolling from one fire to the next.

Our little volunteer corps deserves a great many thanks, as do all the coops that came to help prevent the fires from spreading further.

I hope they, and our town get some sleep tonight. We're a little jumpy.

Not Too Shabby Herself

2009-09-13T17:38:00.001-05:00

(This post was written Saturday...)

Today was our little town's Fall Festival type thing. There's a car show (in my front yard, and those dang car guys do NOT care on whit that it is rude to rev an engine early in the am!), vendors, food, games, contests, etc.

SweetPea is a true star in the making. She wants to sing, dance, write, create, design clothes- if it is creative and "over the top", she wants to do it- and do it WELL. She is completely comfortable as a performer and cannot WAIT to get solos and be 'famous'. I am always listening to her practice, and always impressed with her intensity.

She entered the KrazyKostume Kontest and the Talent Show. She was completely at ease in front of the whole town- even parading around with flair and abandon in her getup. She sang Green Day's Viva La Gloria during the talent show and was totally comfortable with the modern day punk ballad.

I listened from my spot down the street, waiting to see how she did. A little later I saw her "sneaking" down the street with SOMETHING sort of hidden behind her. I giggled at her enthusiasm and desire to surprise me, so I pretended not to see.

She got a big fat trophy! She won 2nd place. She's a total rock star in the making... and I know her now, when she is sweet, and funny, and tender, and wacky and totally HER.

Here's a few pictures- she was in a fashion show a couple weeks ago, and then her costume and her trophy.

The Fashionista!

her wacky costume!

the trophy! It's SHINY!!!!!

Look at that beautiful girl! I am so proud of her- because she's doing what she loves and she has no fear. Wahoo!

More words than normal today

2009-09-11T22:21:00.003-05:00

Life has a funny way of telling you how small your world is when you least expect it, and showing you the treasures you never knew you had right under your nose.

We recently heard that one of TallBoy's friends from church lost his mom to cancer. This buddy has a very special place in MY heart (although I don't think he knows it) because he reminds me SOOOOOOOOOO much of my middle brother. They are built in a very similar fashion, they talk and act very alike, they dress in very similar ways and even like the same kind of music. I quite honestly did a large number of double takes when I first met him because he resembled my brother SO much I was having a hard time figuring out what he (my brother) was doing 500 miles from home.

TallBoy and I discuss how TallBoy feels about this whole deal- someone he knows and cares about is hurting and needs friends to be around him, to support him, and to listen to whatever might be on the friend's mind. TallBoy agreed very strongly that he should attend the visitation and offer whatever support he could to his friend.

I heard about a local Blogger's Toys For Troops rallies, and came out to help a while ago. I sent out emails to friends and family that understand supporting troops in physical ways, gathered my kids and took them with me to a day of gift sorting & present wrapping. I made Christmas cards to send out. I still have a batch of thank you cards for her next batch of goodies to go out.

This lady, My fellow Blogger over at This Just In was relaying over the course of several months (if not longer) that she was losing her sister to cancer. I didn't say a lot about it, but I kept GnightGirl's family in my prayers as they dealt with the many "whammy"s of cancer and grief.

When she announced the death of her sister and gave details on the service, I was stunned to realize that her sister was also TallBoy's buddy's mom.

The day of the visitation, TallBoy was sick, so I went in his place. I knew two of the people touched by this woman's life, and I had as much compassion and concern as TallBoy- it was just different. TallBoy's friend was very surprised to learn I knew his aunt, but it was a good time.

TallBoy felt better, and went to the funeral, burial, and church luncheon to be a support for his friend. I honestly couldn't be prouder of him than I am right now.

I really don't have a lot I am super passionate about (as discussed previously), but compassion is something I am HUGE on. I never know if my lessons and examples make their mark on my children. I never know if I am truly passing on my values or if my kids just pay lip service while they are still home to get me off their backs.

TallBoy showed not only me, but himself and his buddy, that he GETS it. Caring about other people's feelings is important and it should be DONE. He didn't care that it was uncomfortable, or hard, or a distraction. He just did what was RIGHT and offered the only thing he had to his friend- his presence.

I am so completely thrilled with him. He's truly a fine young man, and I saw just a glimmer of the great potential he has within him.

Surprises

2009-09-08T06:58:00.000-05:00

I did not know that I cared even a little how I performed in relation to others; I am not terribly competitive at all. Usually I care most about how I am doing vs myself. If I have set a goal and I am closer to it this time than the last time I set the same goal, then...tada, improvement. I am satisfied by doing my best, and by seeing other people happy through my work.

Then this career in insurance came about... and it is very competitive. Everything is a contest in some way at my office. I usually ignore it as it doesn't really motivate me in any way. I sit next to and across from the two "go getters" in my office and that is usually more than enough competitive thinking for me for a whole year.

Something funny happened recently. We're in the biggest sales contest of the year, and I was in the lead for the first 2 weeks. It was really a major surprise to discover how much I liked being FIRST on that list of agents. During this contest, I have been in the top three the whole time. It's kind of exciting.

I am in the last week and will need to pull something out of my rear to place any higher than third, but for me, third would be HUGE.

I want to win something. Who knew?

Thank Heaven for Husbands

2009-09-02T19:20:00.001-05:00

I can't tell you enough how much I love and appreciate mine today.

I love you, Darling Dude!

That is all.

Facebook

2009-08-30T22:05:00.003-05:00

So a while ago I joined the ranks of the Facebook folks. It's been interesting. I use it mostly to talk to my brother in Arkansas, my former high school best friends, and of all people,

The Dude (!)

I've had longer, better, and more in-depth conversations with the Dude via chat than I'm able to in person many times. If there was only a "hug" feature, Facebook would be the champion of my marriage right now.

I have to be a little careful- the Dude tends to have the monitor so anyone can see the screen, and I've been known to send him a racy note or two. But it makes my life a little interesting. I like interesting.

I love that I can pop on, talk to my wonderful man for a few minutes, and then jet about on with my regular day. FB chat makes my evenings go more quickly, helps me keep things in perspective, and generally reminds me that there are two of us in this crazy partnership. It makes going to bed alone a little more tolerable.

More on Passion

2009-08-19T22:56:00.003-05:00

In the Family Fued kind of world, if you were to ask a set group of people who is more passionate- the Dude or me, the answer would almost definitely be The Dude.

He's a red head. He's got a hot temper. He likes to share his opinion, usually loudly, with anyone within the room/town/county. He gets upset about a great many things and he feels that it is only fair that he share the misery/outrage/etc.

As a rule, I am viewed as the more level headed, calm and understanding one. I am usually able to smooth things out or offer a soothing voice to a solution. I am often seen as moderate. Usually, that view is correct.

I am pretty open minded about things. I try not to have a set opinion about very much. I learned the lesson of critical thinking very well, and I work hard to understand both sides of an issue. I am very capable of viewing both sides of an arguement and identifying and feeling compassion for both.

Some people call this sort of thinking "wishy-washy". I call it fair.

I value this ability very highly- it is one of the strongest reasons I am so good at my job. The talent for seeing someone else's perspective and challenges is valued very highly in my field, and I use it to my advantage as often as I can.

I'm pretty fair about most things. But there are things I am firm on- there's a line in the sand and I'll cause irreparable damage to anyone that crosses it.

The things I am passionate about include being a fantastic wife, and an outstanding mother.

I have to admit I fell down on the job for many years as a wife, and I still haven't completely forgiven myself. I know I have not always supported The Dude as well as I should or could have, and our relationship certainly suffered for it. I am making a concerted effort to be sure to demonstrate in word AND action how passionate I am about being his number one defender. He deserves to have a champion that backs him and supports him with love and respect, and I am trying my best to accomplish that.

I'm working on being the best mom ever, but it's a work in progress and there's just no way I will ever measure up to the awesome kids I've been blessed with. I keep trying, and love them all the same.

The Dude might be more outspoken, more obviously stricken with passions, and more vehement about the "wrongs" in the world- but I feel very sorry for the person that stands between me and my calling to be a wife, or mother. I might do a lot worse than with hold fudge...

Passion

2009-08-18T21:05:00.002-05:00

So, in my real life, The Dude and I own a small retail store.

No, that's a lie.

We own an awesome game store that brings complete and total happiness to the man I adore. We offer a home, a community, a PLACE to be to our local gaming friends & family and we happen to do it while making sales and staying afloat.

We are totally passionate about this place. It is vital, essential and tantamount to our day to day operations. We work hard to make it a going concern and are always looking for ways to grow. We constantly work to offer more value and something better to the folks that make the store successful.

We didn't do it on our own- we inherited/bought the store from some other local guys that wanted a place where everyone was welcome, and we've poured our hearts into it ever since.

The energy, the enthusiasm, the utter passion- they are wonderful and I am glad they finally have a place to go...

The game store.... OUR game store.

She can't roll in her grave, she is not dead yet

2009-08-17T07:18:00.002-05:00

I recently discovered something very strange. I discovered the fiction of Christopher Buckley (William F Buckley Jr's son) and I REALLY like it.

I think the guy is hysterical! His sense of humor really appeals to me- finding amusement in the obscure and obscene. I just love his stuff. I've been devouring whatever I can get my hands on- and while I don't totally understand it all, I find myself nodding my head and enjoying what he has to say in the political world as well.

I don't think I will ever tell my mother. There are just some things you do not share or say to your parents.

Telling your ULTRA Liberal, super crunchy, VERY granola, totally leftist mother that you enjoy and identify with one of the leading conservatives in the nation....maybe I'll keep that to myself.

It's interesting to discover how different I am from my parents- but also just as interesting to see our similarities. I like myself more and more every day- because I become more and more myself and less impressionable.

But don't tell my mom. She wouldn't understand....

A Rose By Any Other Name- Or Something

2009-08-08T23:07:00.000-05:00

A post on the message board I frequent brought this line of thinking about.

I really hate my name. My name has always felt weird or awkward on me. I have never felt it fit me. It doesn't feel like the person I am inside my head. I don't know what name would fit me better, but I know it isn't the name I have.

Plus, It's boring, and there is absolutely NO nickname for it. It's also VERY VERY American and it's darn near impossible to explain to someone from another country because there is nothing equivalent to it.

Most of the time, I usually answer to "hey" much better than my own name.

Sign me,

"Hey"

The Story of the Dude (Today)

2009-08-03T05:26:00.000-05:00

Today marks my 18th wedding anniversary with The Dude.

18 years ago today, I walked down a sidewalk in a park, and let go of my family's hand to join my hand with The Dude's.

I'm leaving the man in my life, the guy I adore - still sleeping. I'm headed for Lafayette for work, and I'm tired. It's a long drive. I'm writing this in part as an anniversary present. I'm also writing it for me.

Our relationship has been a long road, but we have been on it together.

I know I can count on The Dude to be my friend, my support, my champion, my love, my husband and my mate through any challenge. I know that with The Dude, I can do anything. I know that what we have is special, and important, and worth fighting for. I know I have found the place I belong.

I believe that there are people that are meant for each other. I often told The Dude in our early years that "God knew what he was doing" when he put us together. I know without a doubt in my heart that our hearts, our minds and our lives were designed to work best together.

I am a part of something very special and very rare. I have true, honest, fierce and passionate love with someone I trust and admire.

I have found where I belong. I have found a person to cling to and hold tight.

I am home no matter where I go.

I am....

(Babe, you know the rest. Happy Anniversary.)

The Story of the Dude (Returns & Rejoinders)

2009-08-02T12:46:00.003-05:00

I spend another day with the Dude before I head out to my grandparents and then France.

I leave for another country feeling very good about myself- I have a boyfriend, I am going on an international adventure, and things are good.

For my exchange program, I've been paired with a 22 year old guy, but he has a younger sister who is 16 and I spend a bit more time with her.

My host family has a villa on the beach in St. Tropez, and we are spending 2 weeks there for their vacation. There are two Swiss boys about the same age as myself and my host sister, and they are WAY hot. They spend a good week hanging out with us on the beach, and there is a lot of good natured flirting. I enjoy my trip, but at one point I curse my timing and The Dude's presence in my life.

The moment where I wish my luck was different passes and I realize I have no chance with these very gorgeous men, and I am glad I have the Dude.

I come back in early August from my trip, and things with The Dude & I are intense. There is no doubt in my mind that he is the RIGHT guy for me, and I enjoy the deepening relationship. We've already been through a lot together, we've developed a strong friendship, and we have seen bad sides of each other. I am confident this is a good thing and will only grow.

The Dude and several room mates (including Tune) throw a party in the late summer- late August or early September to the best of my memory. The Dude has a few drinks. He's enjoying what he calls a "Piledriver"- a VERY strong screwdriver. I'm not drinking- just enjoying the music, having a nice time, and hanging out. The Dude is in his own apartment, he's a legal adult, and it's a party- so he continues to drink.

Music is playing, and he is laying with his head in my lap. He looks at me and says-

"Not to sound presumptuous or anything, but you WILL marry me, right?"

My world stops. I don't see anything but him for a moment. I consider how well I know him. I consider that my dad adores him. I consider that he has been nothing but good to me and that I am truly happy.

"Of course I will."

There's no further discussion- no date, no ring, no plans; just that we intend to get married. That's enough for me, and I am fairly settled on the idea of a long engagement at this point.

2 weeks later, we're alone. We're having a quiet moment, being tender and just relaxing with each other; and he says:

"I want you to marry me."

My comment - now hilariously funny- but at the time completely serious:

"I'll say what I said the first time; Of course"

The Dude responds true to form- a little oblivious:

"What first time?"

I go on to tell him in pretty graphic detail when, where, and how he initially proposed. The Dude is more than a little embarrassed to admit he remembers absolutely nothing of the situation until I remind him, as he had WAY too much to drink that night.

THIS is the beginning of our commitment to each other...

He doesn't remember his first outburst, and I am patient enough to forgive him.

The Story of the Dude (Another Whammy and Another Country)

2009-08-01T11:25:00.005-05:00

Those weird feelings keep coming. They aren't all the time, but they are consistent. They are also annoying as heck. I try really hard to convince myself I have lost my mind and throw myself into something else for a while.

Life conspires against me in this plot, and I find myself around the Dude- a LOT. And these nagging, weird, fluttery, flip-floppy feelings just will not stop.

I try subtlety for a while, hoping maybe he will catch on.

That is a bad plan and does not work.

Someone that was hanging around the gaming group for a while convinces me to "go for it" and that I will never know whether things will work with The Dude if I do not try a more direct approach.

The plan goes something like this: look totally awesome around him, and see what unfolds. If nothing, then The Dude is a loser (in the sense that he does not get wonderful me) and I move on. If something happens, everyone wins. This is sometime in the springtime, I think near The Dude's birthday.

It sounded so easy...

I wore a dress. Not just any dress, but a dress that would have made Kelly Bundy from Married With Children PROUD. I get my hair prettied up. I wear makeup.

And then head to The Dude's place of work.

I drop in, say hi, talk for a bit, and while The Dude seems SURPRISED, he does not seem impressed at all.

I chalk this adventure up as a lesson in loss, and tell myself it is time to move on.

My heart does not like this idea one bit and I have a hard time letting go of my weird, annoying feelings for the Dude.

All the while, I have been planning a trip to France for the summer. I expect to be gone a month, and I am pretty excited. I know absolutely nothing about the family I will stay with, but I have a place to go and adventures to have. I tell myself that if nothing happens with The Dude before I leave for France, I will force myself to move on- I will NOT have a repeat of the 2 year crush I had on Guy X.

The end of the school year rolls around and I get serious about my preparations for my trip. I start planning "one last hurrah" events with my closest friends- including The Dude.

My plane for France leaves on the 4th of July. I am planning to head to my grandparents who live near the airport on the 2nd, and spend the 3rd at the conference for the exchange students. All of my plans with my friends are at the end of June.

It's June 30th, and the Dude & I are hanging out. I am dressed completely casually- cute jeans and my favorite top- a slightly tight black top with a low sweetheart neckline. We wander all over the local campus- pretty standard for us. We hit a few record stores, and there is a specific point when The Dude starts acting really buggy.

He won't look me in the face and keeps making slightly underhanded digs at my appearance. I am having too much fun to pay too much attention, but it is seriously weird behavior for The Dude.

We wind up at Arby's. I don't have a lot of money-most of it is going to my trip. The Dude offers to pay. I'm not super hungry, so I order a large curly fries with cheese. We head to a table and sit down, and The Dude is in full on absolutely crazy mode. I have NO idea what is going on but he pretty much ignores me to read the liner notes of a 247 Spies CD. The few times he speaks to me are weird, cryptic comments that could be come-ons or put downs.

I keep pretending nothing is wrong, but I get those darn feelings again, and I have a total mental freakout about halfway back to his apartment. Luckily I was able to cover it with a falsehood of needing to tie my shoes and things progress from there.

We're at his apartment, hanging out on the couch, talking and having a good time. The weirdness has passed and I feel comfortable and relaxed around The Dude again. I feel confident that he's set as my best friend and I can start looking for new guys to date when I get back from my trip.

Then it happens.

The Dude tells me that he likes me, and is looking for a "serious relationship". He goes on to say that he doesn't want anything casual, but something that will last a while, and possibly lead to more than just dating. And he wants it to be with me.

I am beyond petrified. I hoped for something like this with The Dude for a while, but the timing couldn't be worse, and I had JUST (I mean literally minutes prior to this revelation) relegated him to the "Friend Zone".

I decide the best thing to do is to be honest. I tell him that I'm afraid our dating will ruin our friendship. I tell him that he has lousy timing, too.

He seems strangely unphased by this and acts like he understands. We talk for a while more. We agree that we should at least try dating with the understanding that if it is "weird", we will go back to being friends, and no hurt feelings.

We stand up, and hug. It's pretty nice. There's a moment where I am stuck in my fear, my anticipation and my nerves, and I freeze with my face against his chest. He's wearing a Faith No More T-shirt, with the band members on it rather than their logo. He is warm and smells good. I hear:

"Are you going to kiss me, or are you going to stand there staring at Mike Patton all night?"

I kiss him for the first time, and I am home. I know I am where I am meant to be and I never want to leave.

I am scheduled to leave town in 2 days.

The Story of the Dude (The Whammy)

2009-07-31T20:04:00.003-05:00

Every good story I have ever read has a part where things start to go sideways a little bit, and I think to myself, "what the heck just happened here?".

We're about to enter into the "Weirdness Magnet" section of the Story of the Dude.

It's the summer after my sophomore year.

Through late spring and early summer of this year, The Dude has been dating my best friend from high school, who has just moved away to New York at the end of the school year.

I am taking summer school for some darn computer thing and Driver's Ed. I completely, totally, and utterly stink at both.

I cannot understand the computer crap to save my life. I can type and spell. I can follow directions. But I can't, for the life of me, understand how to "talk" to a machine to make it do something as simple as addition. I just do NOT "get it".

Many of the guys I game with are something of computer nerds, and very kindly offer to help with the summer school stuff. I take in my dumb, make-no-sense-to-me assignments, and a couple of guys help me several times. One of them, "Tune", also offers to help me with some driving practice as long as my dad okays the deal.

My dad has always parented me pretty loosely. He lets me decide what works and what does not, tells me when I am a dumbass, and then helps me figure out how to solve whatever mess I am in. He rarely if ever has rules, and even less often has qualms about me doing something as outright ludicrous sounding as driving around alone in the country with a guy 5-6 years older than me. So he agrees.

Somewhere in between teaching me computer jibberish and trying valiantly to instruct me in driving, Tune and I start dating. There's a certain band and song I associate with him still- there was a tape deck in his pickup truck and he had a particular tape in the deck through all those "driving lessons". I know I didn't learn much about driving after the first couple weeks.

It's a pretty hot and heavy deal, with me being young, foolish, a little lacking in sense as a direct result of a smart older guy paying attention to me in a way I liked. He was young, foolish, in his first relationship away from his parents, and lacking a little sense too.

Some time in the summer, the Dude asked my best friend to marry him, even though they were hundreds of miles apart. She said yes. The Dude tries to come up with a plan to go visit her, but has a problem: he doesn't drive.

Somehow the idea that Tune, The Dude & I would drive all the way to upstate New York (literally 10 miles from the Canada Border) together came about.

Yet again, this plan depends on my dad's approval. The idea that I am driving across the country in a pickup truck with a topper on the back with 2 adult guys 5-6 years older than me apparently does not phase him MUCH, and off we go.

The trip was weird, fun, and short. In the time we are there, I see the Dude treat my best friend in a way that is the stuff of romance novels & chick flick movies. He totally pampers her and makes it known that he adores her.

I am dating Tune, but I tell myself that I want a guy that treats me that way- someday.

We come back from our trip. The Dude and Tune are now room mates. Tune and I break up sometime in later summer, early fall. It wasn't pretty. The Dude, who has become a close friend at this point, sympathizes and does his best to help me patch up.

About a month or two (maybe more but not much) later, my best friend breaks up with The Dude. It wasn't pretty. I am a close friend to him at this point, and I sympathize and try to help him patch up.

Somewhere in late winter or early spring of my junior year, I have these weird feelings whenever I am around the Dude.

I tell myself I am crazy and try to shake them.

The Story of the Dude (In the Middle)

2009-07-31T10:58:00.003-05:00

I decided to move in with my dad.

I did not come up with this plan overnight, and I did not do it totally alone. It took about a month of serious conversations back and forth to convince my dad I was not making a split decision before he would even CONSIDER discussing it with my mom.

My mom was not thrilled with my plan at all.

We'd been separated before- when I was little, she sent me to live with friends while she got her life back together after the divorce from my dad. She moved the earth to get us all back together, and I know the idea of me moving away to live with the person that had caused our first separation could not have been an easy one.

She said no for several months.

I don't know exactly what changed her mind, but I moved back in with my dad sometime in June or July before my freshman year of high school.

My baby brother was born in August.

I started high school with almost no friends- I had been away for a year and the year prior (7th grade), I had gone to a school in another town nearby so the people I knew previously did not attend the high school I would go to.

I started the cycle of no friends and mean girls all over again, but I had someplace stable to come home.

I struggled through freshman year. My dad was never a cook of any kind and I ate a lot of macaroni & cheese. I also ate a lot of frozen pizza. I learned to do the dishes & vacuum, as well as doing a ton of mindless homework.

Somewhere in my freshman year, my dad started taking me back to gaming again. I got into a few games and started making friends again. The friends I'd had before (for the most part) were much older and not interested in hanging out with a geeky, un-pretty 14 year old girl. A few exceptions stood out, and I tried to make the best of my situation.

Maybe I clung a little to hard to this group, but it was my lifeline. It was my safety and my freedom from the crap I faced daily at school.

It was because of a game that I finally learned to tell time and it was because of games & my gaming friends that I learned how to deal with fractions.

It was a lot of fun.

Somewhere around sophomore year, a new guy started coming to the group. I've mentioned him before- Guy X. Again at first glance, he was not impressive to me, but within a month or two I had it BAD for this guy. He was MUCH closer to me in age than the rest of the guys, and he was well dressed, well spoken, smart, and relevant.

So began the 2 year crush.

There were a few other guys I had fleeting crushes on during this time frame- I was the only girl surrounded by single guys who were smart and fun. Many of them were within 3-5 years of my age. It happened with me- a LOT. But my steadfast sigh inducer was Guy X, for well over 2 years.

In this time, I started to gain a stronger understanding of the games I played. People graduated high school or went off to college, and the core group of people I was friends with at gaming shrunk even further. The Dude became a regular part of my circle. Our relationship at first was a little stilted- he was friends with my friends, rather than with me. We slowly did more things in common or talked about more things, and got to be friends.

We started doing a variety of things outside of gaming together (or in a big group that we were both part of) and I got to see what HE was into. He loved music. He was a huge collector and an amateur rock historian. Every paycheck, he would hit the record stores scouring the import, new, and rock bins for things that struck his interest. I'd go along more often than not, amazed at what he knew and got exposed to a whole new world of music.

Either through high school, activities, or through a teen group I was also part of, I finally started dating as a sophomore. Most of the time it was mindless and the boys were not worth mentioning.

However, there was one guy that was actually a boyfriend through the winter. He was very charming, and not terrible looking. He was in band, which was a huge plus in my book- I was in orchestra and loved music. He had a car and we could actually DO things. He was also a creep. I did not know it at the time, but he was a massive player and kept me on board as a back up in case other girls fell through.

We were still going out at my birthday (which is very close to Valentine's day). He was supposed to pick me up to go out to eat and then a movie that Friday (birthday was Saturday). He never showed and never called.

I went into town Saturday to hang out, and stopped by where we hung out to game. The Dude was there, along with a few others. I was griping about my bad day (it was my birthday and my boyfriend stood me up) when the Dude said "come with me, I'll cheer you up".

We wound up hitting a record store, just browsing and talking. He was talking a mile a minute, and cracking jokes like no tomorrow. I was laughing pretty hard- he's a funny guy; I'm easily amused; and I needed the distractions. He had me nearly peeing my pants several times and I was relaxing out of my mad-on.

I was walking through the stacks and found a vinyl copy of Prince's Purple Rain. If there's one guy I love musically, it is PRINCE. I love his music, and the Dude knew it VERY well. I picked it up and oohed and aahed over it for a bit, and then stuck it back in the bin.

I was jabbering on about something completely different when I see the Dude at the cash register checking out. I figure we are headed to the next store when he hands me the Purple Rain album and says

"Happy Birthday"

It's probably one of the 5 nicest things anyone has ever done for me.

The Story of The Dude (Early Years)

2009-07-31T06:54:00.003-05:00

For a while, I went to gaming with my dad because I was bored. However, it didn't take long before I wanted to go. While the guys there were weird and geeky, they talked to me. They treated me like a real person with feelings. They didn't completely shun me because I am not quite pretty. There were no comments about being thick or heavy. I was just as real as they were.

I know a lot of them talked to me and hung out with me initially as a favor to my dad. I know I wasn't really easy to get along with or very nice (essentially due to incessant teasing & bullying by people my own age). I know I was a bit jaded and cynical, and maybe a little b*tchy. But I did develop friendships and was starting to feel like I had something that "fit me".

I did not hang out with or interact with the Dude much at first. When I did, I was not impressed. He seemed like an argumentative know-it-all. I spent most of my time with some other guys doing really dumb, innocent stuff like delivering newspapers and wandering around town after school.

I was starting to find a place where I felt comfortable when my mom announced we (our family was my mom, me, my two brothers, and a brand new stepdad at this point) were moving to Iowa with her new husband. He was taking an associate (or maybe assistant) professor position with Iowa State University, and mom was going back to college there.

I was not thrilled with this idea at all. I had finally made FRIENDS and had something I liked doing, and I had to leave it. I fully admit I threw the world's biggest angstiest nastiest tantrum ever over this turn of events. It didn't change that we moved to Iowa.

Iowa stunk.

I was going into 8th grade in a small town where everyone knew everyone else and already had friendships and allegiances developed. I moved in, and tried to make friends with the next door neighbor girl- a shy, quiet girl with a small social circle. When school started, she faded into the woodwork like she always did, and I was left to the vultures. I was pretty much ignored, and I spent the year trying too hard to impress people that just didn't care.

I'll admit I was caught up in appearances and did everything I could to "look cool". While all my 8th grade shenanigans were going on, my mom announced that she was pregnant.

It did not take long for me to figure out that my mom, who was hip deep in school, and my step-dad, who was doing lots of cruddy work for nearly no pay, would be very busy and a baby would only make it worse. I was going to be/had just become a teenager and had not found a lot of activities or things to keep me busy. I was in a town with no friends, nothing I wanted to be involved in and no definite future- and my mom was going to have a baby.

I did not like this situation at all and what I felt it meant for me. I was headed to high school soon, with no friends and no way to do anything I might enjoy. I started to come up with a plan.

Interlude

2009-07-27T06:31:00.000-05:00

Just a quick stop here in the present to say that The Dude totally rocks in every way. He is my absolute best friend ever and I can't imagine my life without him. I totally adore him in every possible way and I am so completely thankful for him in my life.

Baby, you're the best!

The Story of the Dude (The Day we Met)

2009-07-22T20:29:00.002-05:00

My dad has worked out an arrangement for visitation with my mom. He takes each one of the three kids at separate times and does something "together".

My dad is a guy I didn't know much about or really understand at this time, but I desperately wanted a dad in my life. So I went on our outings.

We did a few random things- bowling, pizza, etc. One week, he had me and gaming at the same time, and so he took me with.

My dad was an old school strategic war-games guy at the time. He played a lot of ASL and other TSR/Avalon Hill/SSI games. He hung out with guys his age and older that played chit/grid games. They met once a week at a building at the local campus.

It just so happens that there is also a group of younger guys that play role-playing games that meet at the same time in the same building. The set up was similar to church groups- kind of grouped by age or interest, but this was for geeks.

I was not a typical geek in any standard definition. I did not like comics, not a huge fan of fantasy fiction, did not like science fiction much, and did not know the first thing about computers. My main geekery lay in a love of books. I was a bookworm at heart. I liked and did well in school.

My dad walks me around this building that smelled of chalk and bricks, introducing me to his friends and people he knows. We went through several rooms and they were all pretty much a blur. He came to a room with some people close to my age, and they were reading/discussing an extremely colorful book with flying people on it. I asked if I could hang around and see what they were up to, and I was invited to sit down.

In this room to the best of my memory was The Dude, "D" (our best man), my friend the "Yankee",and a few other guys who I'll refer to as "Flowers", "the Quaker" and "Red". There were a few other people either in the room or in the one next door that I met that night as well, but very few of them were involved in the the early years.

These strange guys with weird senses of humor started explaining what they were doing in extremely simple terms to me. They got me asking questions, and then started teaching me the rules of the game they were playing.

I was interested enough to ask my dad to bring me back again.

I can honestly tell you I did not think a whole lot of The Dude at that time. He was just some smart, geeky older guy my dad knew.

I know that first night was just the beginning of a long road to where we are now.

The Story of the Dude (Intro)

2009-07-17T07:42:00.000-05:00

I've been asked to share the long & somewhat convoluted story of how the Dude & I came to be together... and because it's long, I am dividing it up into pieces.

Setting the scene:

I am the child of divorced parents. I am 12 or so. My dad is finally back in my life, and making a concerted effort to spend time with me and my brothers. My mom is cooperating, I go to visit my dad one week, and then things started to happen.

More to come!

Weirdness for Jak

2009-07-05T11:25:00.005-05:00

I have been playing Jak, a formery Army medic, in a World of Darkness game for a while now. This game has gone through several transformations (including a 6 month hiatus and almost dying an untimely death) and Jak has been through a lot of WEIRD stuff. The game is currently a mixed genre setting, with a blend of base books being used.

An update since my last Jak report: The game USED to be set in Chicago and is now in Austin, TX. TallBoy is in the game but playing a new character, and Tom is still playing the Hobo(but improved). There are a number of other people involved now.

Jak has been alone for a long time. Any family or close friends have been dead for a while. So Jak depends on himself. Jak has a very simplistic approach to life- he can fix it or fight it. His longtime primary motivation had been to heal things, or attempt to make them better. If he wasn't able to do that, THEN it was time to crack some heads. He's a simple guy, really.

For about 6 months now, he's been forced to re-think this strategy. Jak doesn't deal with changes well, and reacts even LESS well to radical changes in philosophy. As a rule, if he doesn't understand something or something is outside his sense of immediacy, he tends to ignore it. Stuff that invades his life or his head usually makes him break out into fits of violence.

Jak was never intended to be a combat monster, but I discovered very quickly that he is a fighting machine. So his violence is usually VERY effective. And messy.

Lately, all kinds of things have been breaking into Jak's life and head that have been driving him to the verge of insanity. Jak is a little unbalanced anyway- he hasn't had a night without a nightmare in years. He's killed with his bare hands. He knows he has an explosive temper. So Jak decided to find a nice safe outlet for his frustration and found a fight club. Jak's done it before, and thought he knew GENERALLY what to expect...

but I keep forgetting this is Squirl's game, and things are always a little sideways from the norm. Jak apparently discovered the local werewolf "playground"- the place to vent steam, let off aggression, and not have outside questions or interference.

Problem is, Jak is human. He's the only non-supernatural being in the entire game at the moment.

Jak has somehow managed to win both the fights he's been in, which amuses the heck out of me- I laughed the whole way home that I kicked a werewolf's butt. But Jak has no clue this is going on. He just goes, and fights, and walks away the winner.

Jak is dealing with a lot right now- he recently moved across the country and since he moved, he has had TWO good dreams. AND not just happy, something is going right dreams- IMMENSELY good, exceptionally vivid dreams about things in his life that are so close to real, Jak can't tell if they happened or not.

He's seeing things. He's feeling weird. He found himself wanting to make friends- and actively took steps to do so. Jak asked a girl out on a date- something I never imagined Jak being willing to do (bad track record with women...). Jak is starting to evolve... Jak is freaking out.... and I am loving it.

I am being asked to step out of my comfort zone, deal with things, and really "be" Jak inside this little world. Jak is annoyed beyond belief and even more than a little angry, but *I* love this. It's why I game. I can't wait to see what happens next!

Action, Driving, Adventure, Exhaustion

2009-06-29T19:30:00.002-05:00

I returned Friday from my trip. The trip was long. I learned a lot- mostly, that 4 hours on my own in the car is about my limit; and that I do not ever want to leave the kids for that long again. (Until they are grown or something. I am not obsessive.)

I was SO proud of myself. I drove there (4 hours) all by myself- to somewhere I had never been before, with directions from Google. My experience with Google directions is that they are usually right on either distances OR street/highway names- but very rarely BOTH at the same time. Despite that, I got there in one piece and DID NOT GET LOST!

Later in the week, I decided to be adventurous, and drove to a suburb of Cincinnati. I yet again drove all the way there by myself, with Google directions, and DID NOT GET LOST! I had a wonderful time in Cincinnati visiting with an "online friend" and paid a visit to one of the very nicest stamp stores I have ever seen.

I then returned to my hotel, on my own- without any written directions- Just "get off at "X" street" directions... AND DID NOT GET LOST!

I drove home, by myself, and while I *HAD* directions, I did not really need to use them until the middle of Indianapolis. Once I got past Indy, I knew the way home, and I made it safe and sound. I did NOT get lost.

I have to say that all this excitement is a little more than I am used to, and way more than I want to engage in regularly. I was worn out for the whole weekend after I got home!

My dog was so happy to see me he ran in circles, barked a bunch (very rare in the house anymore), licked me to pieces, and then laid in my lap.

My kids attacked me. The Dude was VERY glad to have me home. I am glad to be home.

Gulp

2009-06-21T06:47:00.002-05:00

Today, I drive 4 hours away to a place I have never been, by myself. I don't exactly know where I am going and I am very good at getting lost.

I will be gone until Friday afternoon and I have NEVER been away from the kids for more than a 2 day weekend.

It'll be ok, right?

For the Dude

2009-06-17T08:02:00.002-05:00

Just an open letter, because I know he looks here.

You are an amazing man, and I adore you more every day.

You know I like to read that message board-it's a little like a soap opera and I am always interested in other people's lives.

Every day that I read it, I am strongly reminded of how LUCKY I am. I am reminded every day of my life, but seeing slices of other people's lives just reinforces how wonderful you are. I have a faithful, honest, hardworking, dedicated and loving man that showers me with love and respect.

I can honestly say that even the "grrr" stuff is not enough to warrant a vent there- you're just too good and I won't subject you to the wrath of all those women that aren't in our situation.

Even on the weird or not so good days, I have a "strange relationship that's worth holdin' on 2" and I am glad for your presence in my life.

You light me up and make me feel so special, so important, so central to your life. You praise the stuff I do right and pick me up and dust me off when I fall down on the job. You hold me when I am all wrecky and encourage me when I need it. You remind me of how big & tough I am, and how I can handle anything, as long as

I have you.

I am beyond blessed and I am so glad that you are my best friend and my husband... and that I quit looking at FNM, took a chance, and kissed you.

(me/yours)

Constant State of Undone

2009-06-07T12:59:00.001-05:00

So my life has taken a crazy and weird turn. No matter how much I'm prepared, no matter how much I plan, I never feel like I'm ready for the week ahead. I haven't been able to relax in my "normal" ways in a long time.

I haven't been able to let my guard down - to truly let myself go- in months. I tried to make cards, or scrapbook a couple weeks ago and nothing I did worked. I couldn't let go of the pit of fear, or the anxious knowing no matter what I did.

It's tiring and I'm trying to be positive. I could have a million other things to worry about, but I can't stop obsessing on the ones I am dealing with.

Bridges

2009-05-22T07:35:00.002-05:00

Last year about this time, I posted some pictures from my drive to work. At the time, there was an overpass/bridge that was being worked on and replaced. The actual bridge going over the highway was completely gone and the shoring on the side was being strengthened.

Last year, it didn't really affect me much. The bridge and overpass were at a different exit and with the exception of slower traffic for a couple miles, the bridge being out did not have any impact on my life.

This year, the exit and overpass I use to get onto the highway are being replaced. This means that I can't get where I want to go without a lot of hassle. I have to drive 10 extra miles to get to the highway. There's a large amount of delay going in either direction near my exit so I have to allow extra time as well as extra driving.

These bridges were not in good shape. They weren't well maintained. Over time, their strengths, supports and shoring had eroded and they weren't safe to use.

I'm learning that if you take good care of your bridges and maintain them, you can get where you want to go without lots of hassles. It's easier to keep maintenance than it is to tear something down and start all over.

The bridges in my life are slowly getting on the maintenance schedule rather than the replacement one.

Not enough naps

2009-05-21T17:55:00.001-05:00

I need a few more than I am getting.

It's a little fun, though.

Exhausted!

2009-05-14T17:58:00.003-05:00

I recently started my new job. I discovered/got shoved into Facebook. I have a TIF meeting tonight. it's been storming here and I haven't slept for a couple days. My dog wants to play. My kids are hungry and my dishes are undone.

Life is beautiful and I am glad I am tired. I am glad for my challenges and my fun stuff. I'm asking a friend to take notes at the TIF meeting. I'm going to cook a simple dinner, ignore dishes and read a book.

Hooray!

Wonderments abound

2009-04-28T20:08:00.003-05:00

I have been ducking life and laying low for a bit. I had mentioned some stuff going on in the background and I think I finally have a handle on what is happening and how I am going to deal with it.

Last Thursday, I was offered a very good part time job back at the paper I used to work for, in the same department, for my old boss (who I loved working for and wish I could clone). It was a strong base plus commission and potential for extra hours was plentiful. I was very excited about this and was going to train on a new system they installed in my absence tomorrow.

I had also been recruited by an insurance company and was being heavily pursued at the time of my interview with the paper. However, I had not yet passed my licensing exam, so they could not legally offer me a position with their firm.

I took and passed the exam today. I have a full time, professional career-oriented position waiting for me at the life insurance company starting Monday.

I stopped in to visit my former and soon-to-be again boss at the paper after I got my Certificate of Authority (aka License) to tell him in person that I was declining his offer of employment. He had been NOTHING but good to me in all of my dealings with him and I felt he deserved the courtesy of being told face-to-face that I was going onto "greener pastures". (Again- I left him to move onto the job I was recently laid off from under career advancement circumstances as well.)

He was completely gracious and very excited for me. He wished me all the best, and invited me to call on him once I got my feet under me. He also, without reservation or condition, told me that if the insurance job didn't work out, or if I did not like it, or anything went wrong in any way- to CALL HIM. He would FIND a job for me.

I have a plan and a contingency. I have awesome friends, fabulous family, wonderful church support and a rockin' husband.

I am fearfully and wonderfully made. And I am valued at a price beyond rubies. I get it now, that this was to show me a whole lot about who my friends are, and what I am meant to do.

I'm ok. And I'm getting better.

Amen.

Pink Lemonade Truth (*)

2009-04-18T15:17:00.002-05:00

I have an awesome life. I have great friends and a loving family that care for me, support me and pray for me on a regular basis. I have a rockin' husband and fantastic kids. My dog is soft and lovable and showers me with kisses all the time. I'm blessed.

(*) Many thanks to Mr. McKeehan for this super apt wording.

Taking -

2009-04-08T08:21:00.002-05:00

Stock-
chances-
interest-
risk-
heart-

These are all going on at my place. I have something pretty major going on behind the scenes and I can't really talk about it much. But I'm excited to be moving forward and I'm looking at ways to turn myself around.

Getting Back to "Me"

2009-03-27T07:18:00.002-05:00

As a rule, I am a pretty laid back, mellow person. I do what needs to be done, I make lists, move on, and face the next day with a smile as much as I can.

Since the layoff, all of my fears have started to take over my normal way of thinking. They have started to creep into my head on a daily basis, and my regular self has morphed into someone I really do not like. Anxious, cranky, irritable, short-tempered, a little paranoid, disinterested in just about anything, disorganized, unable to complete projects- just a wreck. I really don't like this person I was turning into and the worst part was I felt trapped and couldn't find a way out.

This week, the grocery store job didn't have a lot of hours because of the University's spring break (the store is on campus so it is directly affected by student mass exodus). I didn't have any scheduled interviews or places to be.

So Monday, I slept in. I read a book. I hung out with The Dude. I cooked a real meal- actual dinner. I watched a few TV shows with the kids. I played with Cash. I was totally mentally lazy and did nothing but relax. Tuesday I applied for some jobs, but I did it all in about an hour.(I have gotten very good at it- it's a ninja skill!) Then, I helped a friend with his resume and got ideas on how to help him find a job he would like and be happy with. After this was done, I helped run him around to a few places (I have a car and his needs repairs) and then went home. I cooked dinner again. I hung out with the kids. I played with Cash. I read another book. Wednesday I did some chores around the house. I broke out my PaperCrafts magazine for ideas. I read a book. I hung out with the Dude when he got home from work. I made dinner. I've been helping my girlfriend get out of her own rut and possibly consider dating and I texted with her about cute guys for a while. Then I went into town and played in a new game- and had a BLAST. Yesterday I hung out at home for a while. I made the kids' dinner in advance and left them directions on the stove so they would have a real home-cooked dinner last night. I did work at the grocery store for a while, but it was slow and they sent me home early. I came home, hugged the kids, and watched a few episodes of Supernatural with TallBoy before bed.

Today is my "work day"- I am helping a dear friend clean his apartment before he moves away to HappilyEverAfter(TM) with his bride-to-be in Georgia. I'm scheduled to call back about an interview I had last week. I've got an appointment with a friend to talk about random (but important) stuff. I'm planning on making dinner.

All of this has really helped me find the "real me" again- and I feel more like my normal self. I'm starting to have interests in my hobbies again- I actually want to scrapbook again. It's been a gradual process- like pulling back the curtains and the light falling on the "old me"- but I like it. A lot.

My life isn't perfect and I want to be working at a full time job again soon, but I like my life right now. I have a lot of flexibility and I can work on projects, apply for jobs, or even take a nap if I want to, and I am still ok.

Being OK is good enough for me for now. It's actually kind of nice.

Maybe turning a corner

2009-03-18T21:56:00.000-05:00

I think I finally hit on a great thinking process for this "no job"/"looking for work" stuff....

I am in sales and I am selling me. I can't take the rejections personally- I just have to find the right customer. And then do what I do best....

Angels

2009-03-06T09:21:00.004-06:00

I'm a pretty eclectic person. I like all kinds of things with very few things being my absolute "favorite". I have knick knacks and pretty shiny things, but I was never known for collecting things until about 10 years ago.

I saw an angel Christmas tree topper that I just LOVED and I had to have it. My wonderful grandmother found one like it on clearance and sent it to me as a birthday gift. I really love her- she's the first. She's gilt with gold and lace, and was hand made. I have her on my "creation table" (as it is no longer restricted to scrap booking). I love to look at her when I am in my thinking process.

She was the only one for a while until I saw a snow globe with an angel inside it- one of the heralds, trumpeting Christ's arrival. It's silver and white- very wintery. I found her when I was pregnant with SweetPea, and she represents a very special moment in time when I knew SweetPea would change my life in fabulous ways. Another angel was present at that moment, telling me about how much joy my precious girl would bring me. Love you, Dolly.

They slowly started showing up in my home after SweetPea was a year or so old. I'd get an angel from a friend, and soon people saw that I had "more than one", and it was decided I collected them. I didn't really do anything to discourage the idea, and soon enough I was getting angels for my birthday, Christmas, anniversary, Mother's Day, St. Somebody's day (you know, the no-reason holiday), etc.

I do have a preference for bisque, white or wooden angels, without a lot of facial details. However, I have one or two that completely defy those general categories that I adore.

I have a pretty impressive collection, but my display space has been cut dramatically since we moved to our home in LittleTown. We just don't have enough wall space or shelves for them all to be displayed. So my favorites, or the ones with a great story are in my living room, under my picture window.

Here are a few of the angels in my home:

* Phew *

2009-02-24T17:16:00.002-06:00

I've finally caught my breath!

I've been working quite a few hours at the grocery store lately. I've barely had time to sleep much less think or blog- but I am happy to have something to do.

I continue to look for a full time, professional job. I've had some good luck lately and hope I'll have some more.

It's Fat Tuesday and I haven't thought even one moment whether and/or what I'll sacrifice for Lent.

I've missed church and small group due to work lately, but I've kept myself in touch with some great worship music and hanging around some wonderful people.

I'm having a good day.

A Treat

2009-02-16T18:18:00.003-06:00

Quite a few people that love me and care for me have been after me to take care of myself and give myself a "break" or a "treat" since I lost my job. Even my mom suggested a vacation. I put a lot of thought into how or if I could justify doing anything frivolous when my family needed me putting all my energy towards finding a way to support us.

But yesterday, I let myself have a treat. I asked my dad to watch the kids and the Dude and I went *out*. We went to a local bar and saw a band we enjoy-a LOT- play. We bought a couple drinks (with birthday money), and some souvenir T shirts (with some true "fun money").

I had a fabulous time. I danced, sang along, did some headbanging, and just enjoyed myself. I didn't worry about a thing, and I am glad.

Special Days

2009-02-13T08:37:00.003-06:00

My SweetPea was recently discussing her favorite day. She loves Friday. She is all about the weekend and how much freedom Friday represents. She's always excited about Friday and looks forward to it all week.

Of course she wanted to know what MY favorite day of the week was. For many years, it has been Wednesday. I know lots of people that don't like it, but I do. I met the Dude on a Wednesday. For years, Wednesday was when I hung out with my friends (including the Dude) at gaming, at youth group, or just around town. I always looked forward to Wednesday.

But I've come to realize that my favorite day is changing. I think it's Tuesday now.

It's American Idol night. I dedicate that hour (or two) to spending time with my SweetPea, hanging out with her, watching singers, discussing our favorites, and generally enjoying each other. I learn more about her in that small window of time when we are on the couch eating "snacky food" and furiously writing down names & call-in numbers than I do all week.

For me, that's the best time in the world. I love having a chance to show my darling girl how important she is to me (enough that I have blocked off Tuesday night availability from any job application) and that we do have something in common.

She's been SweetPea for years- since she was teeny tiny. Within the past couple years, AT&T has started showing a commercial with that "SweetPea, apple of my eye" song showing a traveling Daddy and his little girl. Well, let me tell you, we had some tears at our house over it. The Dude is gone on Tuesday night at our store, and our SweetPea MISSES her daddy. That commercial would come on, and she would call him just to say hi. She knows that the Dude is home on Mondays (for the most part) and has taken to giving him extra hugs & kisses to last until Tuesday.

I love Tuesday and all the fun I have with her.

Simple Gifts

2009-02-10T20:43:00.002-06:00

The major plus about this "no job" thing is that I have had an opportunity to spend a WHOLE lot more time with my kids. Yesterday and today, one or both of them have been sick, and I got to stay home with them with ABSOLUTELY NO guilt.

Best feeling in the world.

We piled on the couch with pillows and blankets and watched TV. We snoozed. We cuddled and hugged and glommed on each other.

I made comfort food for dinner ( spaghetti and jello) and baked brownies for dessert.

I held my ever growing children and kissed their heads. I took their temperatures and babied them endlessly.

I can't tell you how much I needed a day where I was a mom again, with no worries or interference, and all I had to worry about was if their feet were in my face.

Last night, the Dude took me out to dinner. It was a psuedo birthday dinner, as my birthday is Thursday and I am working (at my part time job) and the Dude will be at our business in the evening. We're HOPING that we can go see Clutch at a local club on Sunday for my "official" birthday celebration. (Paid for by my parents so I don't feel guilty about spending money on myself.)

I have a lot of hours at the part time job and was offered a position of responsibility (I accepted).

I had another interview on the phone today. It was short, but I continue to get called and find leads.

My kids are asking for their mom.

Being Challenged

2009-02-04T22:55:00.002-06:00

I try really hard to avoid conflict or dealing with stuff that makes me upset. Usually, I make The Dude go scare whoever is making me cranky or I have someone run interference for me. Every now and then I threaten something crazy like refusing to make any more fudge and things get all better. But usually, I hide like a little girl and avoid, avoid, avoid.

Today, I acted like a "Big Girl" and dealt with a problem directly by myself.

I told someone that they were upsetting me.

I darn near puked the entire time I was talking to this person. I came close to crying and hyperventilating, too. I was so horribly nervous that this person would be mad and not like me anymore that I didn't want to tell them important stuff about how I felt.

I did it. And they didn't hate me. They actually listened and respected what I had to say.

I don't like this being challenged stuff. It's hard and makes me learn more new things about me.

Like, I have value.

Yeah, me.

You too.

Something... everything...nothing

2009-02-03T14:28:00.003-06:00

There are days when your personal weaknesses will eat you up and spit you out if you let them.

I've had a long series of days where I have learned more and more about myself in a fairly un-fun way and now all my weaknesses are coming to kick my butt.

I might be a strong, tough woman- but I don't respond well to yelling or bullying. I might WANT to be a good manager/leader/in-charge person, but I'm not. I might want to be self-sufficient and good at quick decisions; but I'm not. I might want to pretend I don't give a darn what anyone else thinks of me, but I do. I might want to quit being so eager to please, but it hasn't happened yet.

All these weaknesses are magnified a million fold when around people I love dearly- and while all these things are subconscious, my loved ones pick up on them and find ways to "push my buttons".

And of course I haven't learned how to ignore this stuff yet and I get upset, hurt and angry. I haven't learned how to express this stuff well, either.

Cue Eric Clapton...

2009-01-29T13:45:00.003-06:00

Because I am at a crossroads...

Music is a huge part of my life, by the way. I usually have a mental soundtrack going on in my head to go along with whatever is happening at the moment. So pardon my extremely old references when I make them... they make sense to me.

I'm considering using this "no job" time period to go back to school. I really only started to consider school again within the past 3-4 weeks and it wasn't really in reference to no job, but more about what I personally hope to achieve with my life. Since then, the thoughts have become a lot more about "no job", but have factored my personal feelings in a little.

I have a couple of thoughts-

One:

a short term deal where I recertify for a professional license I held previously - in order to find a GOOD job quickly. I checked and this profession has no less than 15 full time, well-paying openings in my area. The recert could be as short as 6 weeks- so I could be back working pretty quickly.

It wouldn't be the job I really want to do, but it's a job I am good at, pays well, offers insurance, and there is a need for it in my area. It would be very good for my family's stability. Is this good for me? I don't know. Will I regret it? I don't know.

Two:

is to really go back to school for something I actually want to study. It would be hard. It would probably be expensive. But I would have a degree (at least 2 year, and then possibly transfer to a university for a Bachelor's).

Would it result in a job? I don't know. Would I be glad I did it? I don't know. Can I afford it with a 15 yr old and a 12 yr old following behind me? I don't know.

School is not something I have really had an interest in. I tried it, it didn't work, and I am not sure how well I would do now that I am an adult with kids & house etc to worry about too. I don't have any idea how I could afford it with no job but apparently people do it. I don't know if more debt is the answer to my situation now. I don't know that I'd be any sort of good return on investment.

So I'm probably going to visit my local community college Monday to see what I need to do if I decide to try school again.

They don't bite, do they?

I don't mean to be wrecky, I just am!

2009-01-27T15:22:00.002-06:00

Yesterday I had a total and complete mental meltdown. Absolute and utter hysteria, tears and general wailing were happening at my house- loudly. And it was my fault.

I learned a couple of important lessons yesterday - most importantly:

Dodge Durango trucks are BIG. One should not completely and totally be oblivious to these vehicles.

But I was. I backed right into one. I was luckily going really slowly, and just barely TOUCHED the guy's wheel fender. The damage is extremely minor, but he called it in within an HOUR of the incident. YAY insurance.

Next lesson:

My Dude is a wonderful man and loves me - a LOT.

I was a wreck yesterday and he just held me and then got me laughing.

He rocks.

Back to bed... I hope

2009-01-25T04:33:00.003-06:00

So since the layoff notice, I have had serious troubles sleeping. Some days are better than others, but as a rule, when I am nervous or worried, I get obsessive and then worry some more which makes me obsessive etc. I often focus on something that MUST be done RIGHT NOW (yeah, 3am really makes a difference) and then can't sleep until it is done.

I have found that I think a little better in the quiet and dark of the middle of the night, but that there's no one to talk to or hug me.

The clinic didn't work out, but it's ok. I was able to say no to the crummy job without lying (something I don't like to do and am pretty bad at) due to a job related commitment.

I keep hoping I'll find some sort of routine and that will help- but my schedule has been crazy since the first week of January and it is not looking to improve any time soon.

I keep getting calls and I keep finding leads for jobs. I still have some hope for the job south of me. I'm staying busy, but my schedule changes from day to day. That's a good thing. I need to work out my "flexibility" muscle.

And go back to bed.

It's "quiet"...

2009-01-22T17:23:00.002-06:00

Actually, the TV is on and I think it is Spongebob. TallBoy was just in the dining room, jumping- because he wanted to try to touch the ceiling. He's got Disturbed going on his stereo loud enough that I can hear it over the TV.

These noises assure me my kids are alive & well, enjoying their interests. I love the loudness of it- it becomes a kind of background noise for me. I love the "quiet" of a busy house with teenagers (TallBoy almost always has Fin or another friend over) and an-almost teen to-ing and fro-ing.

TV is off now. SweetPea is now in her room, with her iPod going- and she's singing along. I'm now hearing Joan Jett and Megadeth at the same time....

Only at my house is that quiet.

Ponzi, Peanuts and Prayers

2009-01-21T18:44:00.002-06:00

I am at a loss for how to explain today except in one word:

Sucky.

I went to an "interview" that wound up to be just as I imagined a "business opportunity" in disguise (they didn't even want my resume and were ready to sign me up without a single sentence out of my mouth). I said no thank you and left. Ponzi schemes are not for me.

I went on to an open house for what I thought was a serious, professional position in the sales field. While sales is not necessarily what I WANT to be doing, I am pretty good at it and it usually pays well. I get there and I'm actually watching the "sales office" as I wait for my interview.

It was telemarketing for ads (which I did at our local paper for several years) with nothing but a headset and a phone book. (No personal computer, no email, no pictures, nothing.) The phones are designed so that you can only get an inside line if the office manager allows it. Your time on the phone is monitored and you are docked if you are even a minute low. Your breaks are scheduled a la "2nd grade". You don't even lock in and confirm your own sales- you pass if over the the "floor manager" to confirm that you can write down what the customer ordered appropriately. You don't do any layout, design- you don't even keep track of how much of the page is left to sell- it's all handled by the manager. This is all stuff I did the first WEEK I worked at the paper, so I am seeing it as a serious step backwards.

I get to the interview. The interviewer talks for a moment, shows me the product, and then asks me to read from their standard script (which is crummy, btw).

I frickin rock the script. I have an OUTSTANDING phone voice and I know how to modulate, breathe and follow a script well. I nail it and I know it.

The interviewer is trying to fill X amount of positions and tells me that he will know by the end of the day and expects to make calls tomorrow morning. He "has a feeling" he will be calling me. The job would start Monday.

I don't want to take this job.

I'm in the middle of my career and trying to move forward as a professional. This is a job that I would have gladly taken 6 or 7 years ago, but today is a different story.

The pay is about half what I currently make. Absolutely no mention of benefits or anything else.

If I decline, I might not qualify for unemployment. But taking it would be career suicide. This is a seriously peanuts job.

And the prayer:

The local clinic called me back; after I had a great 2nd interview last Friday. The call came while I was in a training session for my part time job.

I'm calling back tomorrow morning, right away. I'm praying for good news.

What I like to play

2009-01-21T07:04:00.004-06:00

A conversation/comment on another blog caused me to really consider what I really like to play.

I'm not a typical gamer in any sense at all. I don't really enjoy fantasy, don't really like sci-fi, not a huge fan of comic books, certainly not a computer geek... I don't do Trek or Wars very much... so what DO I like?

I like dark future/creepy and sometimes scary. I like gritty, underworld, us-against-them, fighting to survive, maybe getting tough enough to fight a revolution type stuff. Dark Conspiracy, Shadowrun, Steampunk, Dreampark, World of Darkness, Feng Shui, Chill and even Chtulu when done right are the kinds of things I love to play. Some of Shane Hensley's stuff in Deadlands and related works hits the spot, but his sensibilities are often just a little too weird for me.

I really don't MIND futuristic games, as long as the science does not take over the fiction. It's kind of reminiscant of the old Reese's Peanut Butter Cup commercial- "hey, you got science in my fiction!". I don't want a stupid physics lesson on why the planet's geography, climate or size is impossible according to So & So's laws.... I want to PLAY!

I seriously quit a game after three people I know, like and respect spent 2 HOURS disagreeing over whether a certain planet type could exist within a certain solar system type in a MAKE BELIEVE world. BTW, full disclosure- one of these guys was my dad.

There's a lot of games I like *parts* of. I loved Earthdawn's setting- it was seriously the best fantasy setting I had ever encountered. But the system sucked booty. I like the idea of a flexible system like GURPS, but I've found the execution to be seriously lacking. Or, in a case like HERO, overdone. (Mr. Long needs an editor, badly.)

For fun & fluff, I like playing heroic games (Champions, Seventh Sea, Feng Shui sometimes)- but almost always a hopelessly twisted, somewhat dark & brooding character. I've gone out of my way to play someone different the past two games- we'll see what happens.

I like board games- but not strategic or tactical games. I like games where the point is obvious, easy to understand but might take some time to master, and fun. (Robo Rally and Infernal Contraption are good examples of this kind of game.) I do NOT like time or resource management games at ALL. I like puzzle games, and games that invoke laughter. (Jungle Speed is one of my favorites even though I am awful at it!)

I like miniature games for the most part. There are certain kinds I'm not fond of- I don't always see the point of a WWII game because um... we know what happened. But I love "fantastic" games like 40K, WarMachine, At-43 (even though I haven't played it, the idea is totally fascinating) and such.

I'll admit I like Magic in a casual setting. I happen to be the owner of several thousand cards, but they are inventory of the store- I can't really play with them. I can't and won't let myself get obsessive about them or tournament playing. It's just not that important to me.

There's certain games I will never play again. I seriously doubt I could ever be convinced to play a D&D style game ever again. I did it once, to say I did it, and it was ok. I did have fun, but I found the whole thing very limiting. The entire genre is not my cup of tea, so I doubt another run at it -a lot. VERY unlikely to play Traveller ever again- a certain GM pretty much ruined the game for me and stole all the possibility for fun right out of it. Any game where GM takes glee in killing the PCs (and not because they were stupid), where the Munchkins run the table, or the point is more about winning than having fun is going to be on my "no way" list.

I play to have fun and hang out with people I like. Usually HOW is irrelevant, as long as it is fun.

Some random stuff

2009-01-20T21:59:00.003-06:00

John Williams' "Air & Simple Gifts" brought me to tears. "Simple Gifts" is a favorite... It's always been one of my favorite hymns and/or religious songs, reminding me of my childhood in the local UU fellowship group and my strong Irish heritage. (So much of the blessing is reminiscent of the old Irish benediction "may the road rise to meet you, may the wind be forever at your back...") The new take on it was interesting, not too "majestic" (my main complaint about Williams' compositions) very resonant, and short enough to keep your attention. I really loved it.

Speaking of Irish heritage, I don't always agree with Mr. Kennedy's politics, but I'm sincerely praying for him. There is in him the man that wrote one of the best national treasures of the modern generation, the eulogy for his brother. Anyone with that depth of passion, that knowledge, understanding of man, language and the common good is well worth a few prayers.

I found out that my former employer is doing layoffs. I encountered some of these people Friday when I was finally eligible to apply for unemployment. I heard of many of my previous colleagues who have lost their jobs. I must admit with full disclosure I was very unkind about one of them and I deeply regret it. I have to watch myself more carefully- it could be ME someone says something about to someone else... I blew it, I own it, and I have asked forgiveness for it.

I had the chance to help 2 people with their resume yesterday. I offered to help our friend KM and someone heard me talking about my experience and passed my name on to their friend. Said friend emailed me and I sent some advice back. I hope it works for them.

I'm still under consideration for a very good professional position about an hour south of me, as well as with a local clinic. I have an "interview" tomorrow, but I did some research and it's another "business opportunity" where you are an independent contractor without any support system. I'm going, because every person I meet is an opportunity. I've got to be positive about and to everyone I encounter.

because it could be ME that someone says something about to someone else.

My Dog is Weird

2009-01-20T08:28:00.002-06:00

I watch Barking Mad, It's Me or the Dog, and Dog Whisperer; so I've seen a whole host of bad behaviors or bad habits dogs can get.

Cash doesn't do anything really "wrong" or "bad"- he just has behaviors that are strange, habits that are different, and is a little goofy. He fits right it at our house.

He's a pound puppy (literally born there - his mother was in distress and the shelter refused to let her die). He's mostly Border Collie and some Sheltie, with we think something else, but don't know what. We love him!

Most of the things that are "weird" that he does are related to eating. I've just come to accept that these actions are part of what makes my soft & fuzzy dog so dang wonderful.

Here's the lowdown on the dog:

He won't eat if we are not home. The only thing he will eat is a treat from his Kong. His water & bowl can be full, but he won't touch it unless his people are around.

He STRONGLY prefers to eat when we are all at home. On days when The Dude doesn't come home at night, he waits until all the REST of us are home to eat. If TallBoy stays out with friends, Cash waits until he is home to have dinner.

He won't eat at his bowl and is very nervous about eating when anyone is in the kitchen. If someone is in the kitchen, he has to be told (repeatedly) "go eat! It's ok. Go eat!" He'll sneak over to his bowl, grab a bite of food, and hustle into the dining room to crunch it up. Often, he drops the food in his mouth onto the floor and then eats it (but won't eat in the kitchen unless he is really hungry). He'll do this until he's all done eating.

He won't eat anything out of our hands, except treats- and even those he's a little nervous about. He would be MUCH happier if I dropped his treats for him to grab rather than making him get it from me.

After he's done eating, he wants his bowl to be full. He's not hungry, but it makes him upset if his bowl is empty. He whines and does this weird "circling" behavior in and out of the kitchen until we realize we need to put food in his bowl.

He LOVES bread. LOVES, LOVES, LOVES bread. He likes starches of any kind, but he'll take bread over bacon any day.

He likes *bubbles*. I'll wash dishes and my hands will be soapy, and he will come in to lick off the bubbles. Loves bubbles. The kids love to play with him when it is warm with bubble soap- keeps the dog busy for HOURS chasing bubbles. (And eating them)

Other stuff, not related to eating-

He checks everyone's bed before they GO to bed. He makes sure "there are no bad guys" (this is what I tell SweetPea) and that everyone is safe.

Once everyone is in bed, he does a round in the house to make sure we are all ok. Then he comes to bed to sleep.

When he wants to go outside, if we are not paying attention, he comes up to us and pokes us with his nose. We call it "beaking". As we are on the way to the door, he continues to "beak" us in the back of the leg until he is outside.

He barks when we laugh a lot. Then he gets excited and wants to play. Lots of fun.

He hates the car. Gets carsick. The vet, which is 10-15 miles away, is about his limit without severe stomach upset.

He's a good dog. He knows most of his manners. The ones he does not know, I have not taught him yet. He learns quickly and wants to please us. But he sure does know how to get our attention to let us know what he wants.

We love our dog... even if he is weird.

From "squeaky house" to this...

2009-01-15T07:05:00.004-06:00

My darling TallBoy will be 15 tomorrow. He's huge. Really tall. He's still growing and has bony elbows, knees, long fingers and BIG feet. He's well into full blown puberty with hair growing *everywhere* (and LOTS of it, too). His face is always in need of a shave. He smells distinctly like "boy", though he has discovered Axe and other body sprays.

He's funny. He's smart. He's got a wicked sense of humor. He loves to be a smart alec; very much like the Dude. (In some ways they are exactly alike. It's scary!) He's very compassionate to the people he cares about. He's fiercely loyal. He's got a tendency towards righteousness. He's got a temper, too. He knows himself. He's got great judgement about people. He's such a cool guy.

He was a lot different as a baby and small guy. He was fussy, tempermental, picky, stubborn, mean, stinky, and ROUND. The boy knew how to eat. Born at 7lbs 15 oz, he weighed 16 lbs 7oz at his 8 week checkup. He gained a pound a week for 8 weeks straight and I was nursing. Sleep, *pshaw right*. At 6 months he weighed 25 pounds- bigger than some 1 year olds. At one, he weighed 40 pounds.

As he became a toddler, he became obsessed with routine and control. New things were NOT allowed, or terrible 2-3 HOUR tantrums ensued. He had weird, irrational fears- crowds, loud noises, overly shiny things... forget a parade. NOT gonna happen.

He had funny, quirky habits. One he had that was especially endearing was his "squeaky house". He'd take the BIG Duplos or wooden blocks, or blankets, or boxes, and build walls around himself until he was walled into a tiny 2x2 (or smaller) space and the walls would be taller than he was. He'd stay in there, keeping himself amused (somehow) for hours on end. He would also do this with a toybox (about 2x3). He'd throw all the toys out, sit inside, grab a couple toys he liked, and proceed to play -IN- the toybox.

He has a reputation for being a picky eater, but he has started to grow out of it a little. He's at least willing to try new things. But feeding that kid has been an adventure. I don't have any idea how he got so big- as a kid he only ate Cheerios (No milk), hot dogs (not cooked) and cheese sandwiches. Every now and then some applesauce.

And he is 6' and almost 200 pounds. He's almost 15.

He's a great kid that I love passionately, and I am PROUD to be his mom. I am proud of him.

Happy almost birthday, my little star. You're the sun now. My sun, my son.

Studying

2009-01-11T15:28:00.002-06:00

Three interviews and a pre-employment test for seasonal work next week. I am studying the art of not-saying-anything-dumb and impressing-employers.

I'm fairly excited, but realistic. And deeply in tune with my weird humor.

Suddenly I want to beat up a fax machine. But only after I epic fail embezzlement. Ha.

It's all good.

Poor Poor Pitiful Me

2009-01-06T22:06:00.003-06:00

Cue Warren from the Zombie section...

I am job hunting and sick at the same time. Yuk-o.

I went to two "cattle call" job fair deals. At the first, I was the only person with:

brushed hair
A pen
a clipboard
a suit
a resume
no baby

At the other, there were some other "put together" folks, but I was still the only one with:

a pen
a clipboard

At the first place, I looked around and wondered if I was in the right place. I know I made an impression, and hope to hear from the hiring manager soon.

At the second place they were doing on-the-spot interviews and I think I did well.
I doped myself up on Day-Quil and had plenty of hand sanitizer to sit in a room full of 100+ folks, take a 5th grade math test, and possibly have a job.

I've gotten two responses for "further information" since this process started, and one "job offer" (which was a "Business Opportunity" in disguise).

I have no plans to go anywhere tomorrow unless I get called for an interview. I plan to sleep some and clean my house. If I'm still getting paid, I may as well work. We'll see what the rest of the week brings.

Time for some Green NyQuil.

I don't deserve this

2009-01-03T07:30:00.004-06:00

This past week has been a blur.

I mentally allowed myself the week of Christmas "off" and really did not look for work. I needed time with my kids that involved no stress, no worrying, and lots of fun.

As of Monday, I have sent out countless applications/resumes, have tried to battle my budget into submission (HA!), found a lot of things to keep me busy and trooped on with my life.

And at every turn, my cup continues to overflow.

I've received unexpected financial help recently. My mother is just being awesome in ways I can't explain. My faith has been strengthened by my friends and family. A member of my small group at church has offered me a part time job. My life is filled with the spirit and person of G-d in soft, huggable bodies.

I've hoped to be a good, loving person. I've hoped to be a light to those that need it. I've hoped to be approachable and easygoing in my faith. I've never been certain I was doing it well.

I don't feel like I deserve all this kindness. I'm struggling to accept it all and I have learned a whole lot of ways to say thank you.

Thank you doesn't seem enough. It just doesn't.

A Single Light

2008-12-25T18:58:00.002-06:00

Just one light can bring hope to the hopeless, direction to the lost and strength to the weary.

No matter what faith, tenet or belief you follow,

be that light.

{If the world is night, shine my life like a light-

Emily & Amy; you sing it so well}

Merry Christmas

Extra Gravity

2008-12-20T08:24:00.002-06:00

The other night I made my kids' favorite dinner, Cheeseburger soup. It's hamburger meat, tomato soup, cheddar cheese soup, milk and noodles all cooked together until the noodles are done. My kids LOVE this dinner. I usually make a double batch and TallBoy usually eats it all.

We sat and ate our dinner, and TallBoy kept dropping noodles on his shirt. He starts making up pretend bad words and giving me dirty looks as a joke. The dropping continues. He starts to get seriously annoyed- it's his favorite dinner and he can't get it into his mouth. Finally he asks me,

"Mom, what's wrong with this cheeseburger soup? I keep dropping it! Did you put extra gravity in it or something?"

I found this exchange hilarious and "extra gravity" became a catch phrase at our house just for sheer silliness.

However, it's with sincere extra gravity that I was given a layoff notice at work. They are employing everyone for 3 weeks guaranteed starting December 29 (but we'll all be on mandatory vacation) and they will call people back as work develops. However they cannot promise who or how many will be called back at the end of this 3 weeks. I'll have a paycheck until roughly mid to late January. My immediate supervisor and the president of the company have both told me they will be GLAD to reccomend me and write excellent references for me, which is a blessing and a solace to me.

I'll be honest, I had about an hour of pure terror and desperate hurt. I wanted very much to cry, to swear, to hurt something. And then I remembered I had to tell my kids about this.

One thing I've always wanted to do as a parent was to make sure my kids knew that the grownups were in CHARGE, and that they would handle the grown up problems. To show fear, or anger, or frustration in the face of a grown up problem does not say (to me) that I am in charge or that I could handle my problem.

So I bucked up and discussed it with them. It was a tough discussion, and they handled it as themselves. My TallBoy was determined and grim faced while SweetPea was tearful and emotional. That's just who they are and I get to help them through this just as much as I get to help myself.

So I spent a long time in prayer last night, asking the Lord to direct me and move me where he wants me to go. I have to put absolute faith that he will provide for our family, and that we will survive this and be strengthened through our togetherness and reliance on G-d.

I'm encouraged that I already have several leads and a wonderful friend from church gave me several ideas already. I'm lucky to have a very flexible skill set and I'm heartened by my family.

I'm a little excited at the idea of a vacation, but I know I will be working every day of it. The positive is that I'll be able to spend some time with my kids. I'm praying this time will be a blessing to all of us and that we'll find a treasure in the midst of all this challenge.

Musings at not quite 6am & a bleg

2008-12-17T05:52:00.003-06:00

Our family had a very happy time laughing about the recent Bush press conference. We've known for several years that it is the ULTIMATE Iraqi insult to throw a shoe at someone and found the entire situation preposterously funny. Simply because someone actually threw a shoe-we giggled for a long time.

My mother proved her status as awesome again. She sent TallBoy some things Rhett (my youngest brother) had outgrown including pairs of Nike Shox, And1, and Addidas Pros - and all of them fit. None of these are cheap shoes to begin with, and they're all on the "cool" side - and they fit! (he's wearing size 13 or 14 shoes, so shoes that fit are a big deal)

I really don't like snow and ice and can't wait for it to be warm again. I spoke to a man in Australia Monday and it was 30+ C there... I'm jealous. (But Christmas in summer seems really strange to me)

Blegging for good deeds:

A good girlfriend fell on the ice last Monday and dislocated her kneecap. She's in a knee brace for 8 weeks and today it's like a hard candy shell outside. I hope she stays safe.

Any ideas for a care package for her as she recovers? She LOVES reading and pop-culture TV. I'm looking for great ideas so send 'em my way. I'd love to be able to bring her a basket of goodies to let her know how much I care about her. She's a really good friend.

'Tis the Season

2008-12-15T05:46:00.004-06:00

As a general rule, I hate the "Christmas machine".

You know, the Illuminati that tells retailers to bring out wreaths and snowmen in September, to encroach on our other perfectly good and wonderful holidays, to spew out more "must have" crap, and to play OBNOXIOUS Christmas music incessantly from October until January.

Honestly. Christmas music (in my opinion) is bad enough at one or two songs a shot. To play LOTS of it, repeatedly is beyond annoying. It's a form of torture. (Maybe they should send THAT idea down to Guantanamo)

I don't hate all Christmas music- but much of it misses the point. Most of it is sentimental pablum, wishing for snow, goodies, sugar and that idyllic idea of Christmas that none of us can recreate at home.

I enjoy a few songs. To me, they are deeply reflective of what *I* feel Christmas is all about. Christmas isn't about stuff, or snow, or trees, or snowmen, or reindeer or Santa. Christmas is about Christ, and peace.

I was out with TallBoy recently, and I was occupied in my head with a bunch of things I "had to do". We sat down and ate our lunch somewhere and I didn't notice that they were playing Christmas music continuously until the 3rd song in. Then it hit me and I prepared for the worst- the sappy, giddy, goody-goody songs that are so popular.

Instead, it was an old version of one of my personal favorite Christmas songs-
The Little Drummer Boy

The simplicity of the gift the Drummer gave always strikes me. I'm ashamed that I have not always given "my best for him" when I hear this song. But I'm always encouraged that even a song, played by a child, is enough for my King. And that a simple gift, given with a willing heart, is truly precious.
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I made a large batch of Christmas cards Saturday. I took some with me when I was at 'Gopher and made them out for a few of the guys there. (I have more to pass out yet.) One of the guys was a little dumbfounded- he really doesn't know me well. But he's a regular at our store and someone I wanted to share Christmas with.

He asked "why do I get a card? what's the deal?"

Another regular who knows me VERY well replied- "Because that's what she DOES."

Yeah, I make cards and I share things that are important to me.
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I was given a very surprising Christmas present recently. Some friends of mine showed me that they care much more for me than I knew or imagined, and that they are willing to pick up my burdens and help me carry the load when it gets heavy. They showed me how friends care and nurture each other, even when it's sticky or you might get messy. Friendship is a simple idea, but a tough concept to master. Being shown a concrete example is often the best gift you can get. And I'm grateful.

Head Space

2008-12-13T06:55:00.003-06:00

I've had some unpleasant mental junk going on lately and I've been having a hard time dealing with it. I've had a hard time dealing with anything, really.

I realized very recently that the things I have loved to do, the things that create great excitement in me, and give me my purpose were just so much "MEH" to me lately.

I realized that I did not want to do normal everyday things and even dealing with my kids (which is usually the highlight of my day) was driving me crazy.

I tried to scrapbook recently and was appalled at how much I hated my papers. I knew that when I wanted to throw away my Basic Grey, SOMETHING was wrong.

I made myself do some things that I normally really really enjoy- and I couldn't hack it. I started feeling weird, paranoid, and closed in about halfway through them.

I sat down to make some Christmas cards for a project (not for my family or friends) and didn't hate it. I actually found myself sort of having fun. I made way more than I planned and didn't want to stop.

I found something I wanted to do again- so I'm running with it. I WANT to make 65 Christmas cards this weekend.

Yeah, I want to do something. I don't know if I should be excited or sad. But I want to do something.

Mom Powers

2008-12-11T05:40:00.004-06:00

A few months ago, TallBoy was in his room, being good and quiet and leaving me alone. His music was on at a tolerable level and he was not doing anything wrong. (All was good in the world!)

I was in the living room and watching TV quietly. I made the realization that TallBoy had not showered in *too long* and decided he needed to do so.

I sent him a text message. "You need to take a shower."

His reply: "How can you smell me through four rooms and a door?"

Me: "Mom Powers"

TallBoy was beside himself and made a big fuss about it, but did shower. He STILL uses this instance to discuss how UNFAIR my mom talents are. (I'm also capable of hearing muttered bad words from several rooms away and of knowing homework is not turned in. Just unfair.)

Monday, he was sitting next to me on the couch and cuddling me. He was being good and courteous and helping get me beverages or books or what have you as my leg & foot tried to heal.

I looked over at him and noticed something in his pocket, so I poked it. I did not ask him what it was or say anything about it, I just thought about what it might be. (this whole series of events only took about 10 seconds, maybe) It was rectangular, flat, thin and stiff. It was not a cell phone as that is in my room. It was not keys (wrong shape and size). It was not money. Though it was the right size, it did not have bumps on it and he is too young so it was not a credit card. I quickly deduced it was

"Student ID"

TallBoy's mouth dropped open. He looked at The Dude with this "WTH" expression on his face. He said:

"How does she DO that?!!! How did she KNOW? I just got it today and I didn't even tell her about it! It's just WRONG!"

My reply:

"Mom Powers".

Most of the time my "mom powers" are me being MUCH more observant than I let on. I spend a lot of time acting a little distracted (and sometimes I really am distracted) so my kids tell me things they would never say if they thought I was paying attention. They may not say it out loud, but I watch them and know their body language. I know their moods and habits. I know them very well, because I pay attention. Just quietly.

Other times it is my "been there, done that" experiences. It wasn't that long ago that I was a teenager and I remember some of the things I dealt with all too well. I use my youth to my advantage when dealing with my kids.

Someday I may let my children in on the parental secret. That we're not so dumb after all.

But for now it's a lot more fun to let the TallBoy think I'm some kind of freak, and that I have

Mom Powers.

Dirt Nap

2008-12-08T11:59:00.002-06:00

I've never been a graceful person. In fact, I'm notoriously clumsy. I have a definite KNACK for falling down, bumping things, getting hurt, and even breaking bones (my left foot, three times).

Cash and I have a habit of getting out of the house between 5am and 5:30 to go for a walk. He likes to sniff everything and mark it all- to make sure that other dog knows this is "his" block, and I like to get a LITTLE exercise.

This walk has been very good for me, but I've fallen many times while leading the dog around. I turn my left foot fairly often but can usually hang in there. I usually fall when it's wet or slippery, but now and then I fall for no good reason.

Last winter I feel very hard on my left knee, and just as it was getting stronger, fell on it again. It's been weakened ever since and I do my best not to overwork it.

Today, I took Cash on his walk and as we turned the corner, we saw the dog we call "Bear". He's a HUGE Golden Retriever with as silly a personality as Cash's. Bear was across the street, headed away from us. Cash saw and smelled "Bear" and started acting like a goof immediately. I got him calmed down, went around the block and into the house.

I got ready for work, got my things together and headed out the front door.

Honestly, the next thing I remember is screaming on the walk in front of our house. I absolutely lost the ability to think, to reason, to form any sort of thought. I just screamed. And screamed. And then screamed some more.

SweetPea's room is at the front of the house, right behind the front door. She was getting ready for school. Poor SweetPea was so shaken by the sound of her mom screaming, she panicked and started crying; "MOM! MOM!MOM! MOMMMMMMMMMM!".

That's all I heard for a moment. My beautiful girl was scared and I absolutely could NOT help her. I couldn't do anything. I was the reason she was scared. She was afraid for me.

Then I heard Cash, banging at the door, his tags jangling. Then I saw bare feet, and The Dude's hands, touching me and holding my hand. He'd thrown on pants (but nothing else) before he ran out to help me.

TallBoy was there, too. He was apologizing for something, but at the time, words were not making very much sense to me. Apparently TallBoy thought I'd been shot, or stabbed, based on my crying alone and had run to the kitchen to get a weapon. He was apologizing for taking so long to help me.

I had no idea of time. I only knew pain. Tearing, searing, rip me apart and sew me back together WRONG pain. I know I cried and screamed some more- fairly incoherently- for a while before The Dude could get me calmed down. TallBoy and the Dude finally got my brain back in my head and got me inside- after much back and forth of TheDude and TallBoy for shoes and coats and such.

It had been clear and dry when Cash and I went out for our walk. When I left the house, it was drizzling freezing rain and my front steps had frozen over with unseen ice.

I had slipped on our front steps. My left leg, which is weak already, had turned to the right very sharply as I fell, and all my weight landed on both my knee and ankle when I went down (and I am a big girl, let me tell you).

I spent a while in the front lawn taking a "dirt nap", but now I'm at home, on Tylenol with Codine.

I can't tell you how wonderful The Dude is being to me. I adore this man beyond all possible measure and I am so grateful to him for how well he cares for me. He's not traditionally "romantic", but any man that runs into the front yard with no shirt or shoes in sub-freezing temperatures while it's raining ice to pick me up off the yard is my knight in shining armor.

I have...

2008-12-03T19:39:00.004-06:00

done some of this stuff:

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band (orchestra counts, right?)
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child (helped one of my best girlfriends do so with siblings- does that count?)
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables (when at home with my mom)
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow
22. Hitch hiked (I've picked up a hitch hiker, though)
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant (someone has done it for me)
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing (went shrimping once)
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen (food bank)
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason (one of two times I got flowers from the Dude)
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check (sorry)
68. Flown in a helicopter (airplane)
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial (I was born on Feb 12- in East Central Illinois. )
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job ( I was 17 and stupid)
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone (same one, three times)
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle (when I was 5)
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper (when I was 5)
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating **this will NEVER happen!**
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee
100. Totally copied a post from someone else's blog to your own (ok I admit this was a total blog-theft!)

Why don't they tell me this stuff?

2008-12-03T19:13:00.002-06:00

#1Showering before bed. BEST. TIMESAVER.EVER.
If I had known, I totally would have been doing this -YEARS- ago.

#2My optimal operating hours are 8a-8p. So DUH, a job that is 7a-4p is not entirely ideal. ESPECIALLY when it means getting up at !5! AM. It makes me tired, cranky and not so good at doing my normal mom/wife/me stuff. Thus, #1 is well and TRULY a miraculous discovery.

#3If your schedule requires you to go to bed WAY early (like, oh, 9pm) so you can actually WAKE up at !5! am, caffeine anytime after, um, noon- is BAD.

#4Girl children that are "nothing like" me are way more like me than I ever realized possible- just in totally sneaky, illuminating ways. The mother's curse is a funny thing because I'm discovering I LIKE this girl more and more every day. And understand myself more clearly too.

#5There will be days where you can't keep up with your brain. And then there will be days when your brain is off and your body is hotwired. I keep hoping they will mesh for me someday.

#6I've got a pretty good life. Who knew?

Homebody

2008-11-30T21:32:00.002-06:00

I am a homebody.

I don't like to go out much. I don't like to be drug all over heck & creation for "special events" or any other reason. I like my home, my family and my space.

I like making the rules and having some control over what happens and when.

This tendency often causes me to be a less than stellar daughter, sister, Daughter-in-law or even (I'm ashamed to admit) friend.

I know a large part of it is from years of divorced parents and driving everywhere for holidays and never having a moment's peace. I know some of it is a desire to create a sense of order and calm for myself and my kids. I know some of it is habit, and some is simply me being stubborn.

I can't really make myself like going places or doing stuff outside my comfort zone, but I can DO them in an effort to be more like the me I want to be.

Maybe a trip or visit now and then is good for me. Is it ok if I pick when I go?

Paper on my horizon

2008-11-29T07:32:00.002-06:00

I am going to play with paper today. I have a sort of paper problem. I love patterned paper- but nothing "Cute".

Doodlebug- YUK. KI Memories- BLECK. Sassafrass Lass- NOT for me. American Crafts (paper only) MUCH too cute. BoBunny-I don't do cute.

Give me paper with a little attitude, a little edge. Give me paper from designers that know my life isn't frills and such- it's a mess. With dirt, and grunge and colors outside the primary family.
Give me stuff like:

Basic Grey (I LOVE BG. I am way behind on collections, but I've only seen 2 or 3 I truly did not like)

K & Company. (I can never predict what they'll come up with next. They've gone from heritage to funky and a whole lot more.)

Daisy D's. Cosmo Cricket. (These two are more kit or miss, but their accessories and "fun stuff" always make me smile.)

I'm not any fabulous artist or anything, but I love the papers and the colors. I love thinking about what I can do with them. I can't wait!

My overworked oven

2008-11-26T21:08:00.003-06:00

I am not traditional at all when it comes to holidays, especially not involving food.

I am not doing a turkey because TallBoy does not LIKE turkey and The Dude doesn't like bird on the bone, and SweetPea and I only like white meat. A whole turkey would be a waste and a breast roast would only feed 3 of us. No ham because TallBoy and The Dude do not like it either.

I sort of make it my "tradition" to make NON-traditional Thanksgiving day dinner. In Thanksgivings past, I have made lasagne, meatloaf, pot roast, steak and applesauce chicken (a family favorite).

This year I am making stew, mashed potatoes, an Asian inspired salad, home made bread and shortbread. With a pot of spaghetti for anyone that might not care for stew- a distinct possibility with TallBoy. We also have some friends coming over, and their girl is about 8 and not always reliable about what she eats. I like to at least TRY to have options.

I am trying to do most, if not all, of the preparation/cooking stuff tonight so that I can let the crockpot do the work and sleep in. When you have to be up no later than 5 am every day, sleeping in is a luxury I do NOT want to waste.

So I baked my shortbread and my home made bread tonight. My poor oven is very put out with me. But I really don't mind. There's something terribly relaxing and enjoyable about putting together flour, sugar and butter and getting some of the tastiest stuff ever out of it.

I think that's what I like best about the holidays- time to actually cook and enjoy myself.

Happy Thanksgiving- and I'm giving my oven a rest.

Y, Oh, Y

2008-11-24T21:19:00.002-06:00

TallBoy came over to me and was acting extremely affectionate and lovey and things today. So I returned said affections, hugging and kissing and generally enjoying the bigness of this boy of mine because I love this guy. He's great. Annoying at times, but truly great. He disengages, smiles, says, "I love you", I reply in kind, and then departs for his room.

As he is headed to his room, I hear him snickering to himself. And I am *very* suspicious, *very* suddenly.

Then it hits me.

He has mastered the art of the "hit&run" as it's known at our house- the laying of a silent gaseous cloud so fierce I nearly retch, and get this:

He thinks it's funny.

I really do have 3 brothers, so I should be used to it by now, but *really* . My own son!

I need to go scrub out my nose. And invest in a lot of Glade.

I do love him- I mentioned that, right?

Promises - and rope

2008-11-22T06:45:00.003-06:00

Warning! This post will probably pretty serious and a little sad. I will get back to my weird sense of humor and positive attitude next post. Thank you!
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I had a lot of sadness in my childhood. Despite my mother's very best attempts, we were poor. At one point, she was single with 3 young kids, no job and no place to live. The places she could find to live were too expensive or too small. As her world came crashing down around her, she wrangled up what little courage she had left and asked her friends and extended family for ideas (not money- ideas). She wound up deciding to have us stay with people she knew and trusted for a little while while she got on her feet. I went to stay with a long time trusted friend in Texas for a summer. My brothers went to stay with someone else in Tennessee. (The third brother came MUCH later in my life.)

I know she did what she thought was best and it had to kill her daily not to have us nearby. I know she must have cried and worked her hardest to get us back as fast as she could.

All I understood was that my mom was sending me away, to someone I didn't know terribly well, and I didn't have my brothers with me.

When we returned, we were different. All of us- my mother included. But one of my two brothers had serious issues. My mom tried to overlook it, but I truly think he was seriously harmed by the person she trusted to care for him.

As the years went on, my brother's issues only increased and worsened. Medicine, therapy, discipline-nothing worked to help him improve. My mother was told that my brother was a sociopath and that there was 'no hope' for him to have a normal life. She was encouraged (strongly) to put him into a home. My mother struggled with my brother for years and refused to give up hope that he could change. She fought with doctors and experts and moved-a LOT- in attempts that new surroundings would help, new doctors would help- that ANYTHING would help. She finally had to give up on him at one point and forced him to move out. He went to live with my dad for a while, and my dad went through many of the same issues. Nothing worked to change my brother, and my dad gave up too.

Because of my experiences and what I witnessed with my brother, I promised myself as a mother that I would never - NEVER - give up on my kids. I would never ask someone else to take on MY responsibility. I would never separate my kids or send them away. I promised myself that I would do whatever necessary to keep my pain from repeating.

I recently heard that the father of a young girl I am close to and love very dearly gave her up to someone else. This girl has been through much more trauma than I have ever experienced and is seriously troubled. She has many complicated issues that need to be worked through, with medication, therapy and perhaps surgery. Despite all her many -very serious- problems, she is a sweet and trusting girl. She's beautiful, lively, fun and energetic even with all her concerns.

Her father has admittedly done a lot for this girl that in many ways is above and beyond. I honestly saw signs of improvement and maybe even hope the last time I was with this young girl. However, I'd heard that very recently things had gotten extremely bad and they had temporarily placed her in a psychiatric ward. Her father finally got to a point where he could not handle the girl or her problems any more and has placed her in someone else's care.

Maybe he really thinks this is the best thing for her. Maybe he hopes that new surroundings, new doctors, and a new attitude will help her turn her darkest corner.

Maybe he was at the end of his rope, and he just couldn't hang on any more. He saw a chance for the rest of his family (he has 2 other children at home) to have something closer to a normal life and a way to ease his burden. He accepted the implications of sending one child away and getting his life and house back in order.

I believe this girl deserves better-much better- and there is absolutely nothing I can do for her except pray.

I honestly thought I was at the end of my rope with TallBoy recently. I know in the large scheme of things, grades are just grades, but I have been having the battle since he was in first grade. It's taxing and it hurts me to be the strict parent, to say 'no' to him. Outside of grades he is a wonderful boy- he's loving, respectful, considerate, fairly responsible and generous to a fault. I didn't want to give up on him just yet but I knew I was getting close to the end of my rope. I didn't know what to do, except pray.

Some financial things have been going on at our house that are pretty scary and I was at the end of my rope there, too. I'm far too proud for my own good and couldn't feel comfortable asking for any kind of help and just didn't know what to do. Except pray.

Thursday, I saw a reply to a post about grades at TwoPeasInABucket, a message board I like to read. It wasn't directed at or to me, but it was literally the hand of G-d putting a knot in my rope, and telling me "hold on-there's hope". The reply was the best idea I've ever seen for TallBoy's problems in YEARS and it's DOABLE. It's something my Dude and I feel comfortable with and believe will WORK. The knot at the end of my rope was desperately needed and came at just the right time.

Friday, a new way of looking at our financial situation arrived. It made the knot that I'd been hanging onto just that much larger and stronger, and gave me a little room to breathe. I hadn't realized I'd been holding my breath until that room came, and I just let it all out, and I felt like me again.

Every family has different promises and different ropes- but hold on. There's hope. If you're ever at the end of your rope, let me know. I'll do what I can to help- and pray.